Justin Verlander frightens the opposition with his fastball and his strangeness.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

He almost seems to be getting stronger as the season continues. At least, he seems to be going deeper into games, maybe not throwing QUITE as many pitches early, which is making his overall outings look much stronger simply because he is able to control the game for a longer stretch of time before it all goes to Ohio hell. This goes against all logic, of course, but I suppose that when you really think about it, the entire existence of a power pitcher goes against all logic. Justin Verlander is an anomaly in space and time where the rules of physics and biology do not apply as they should.

This would explain so many things. It would even explain Jim Leyland’s insistence on letting Verlander throw 100+ pitches almost every single time he takes the mound. Leyland knows that the universe’s petty laws do not apply to Justin, so why should normal modern-day MLB pitch count rules apply? Or, say… sanity? If it’s good enough for the universe, by Paws, then it’s good enough for the Tigers.

Further proof of space-time continuum madness: Casper Wells tripled and hit a home run, Brennan Boesch stole a base, and Gerald Laird had two hits. Like… woah. Clearly a vortex of mind-warpingly weird space-time shenanigans was swirling over the ballpark tonight.

But it’s fine, because the box score has no conventions in place for recording abnormal spatiotemporal phenomena. So this whole game just looks like a regular ol’ win, no parentheses or asterisks anywhere.

Of course it is an utterly useless game– the Tigers are crispy fried, and the Twinks have already got the division title socked away– but then again we are talking about the Twinkies. It’s a matter of principle, and that noble principle, as we all know so well, is making the Twinks hate their baseball lives. Mission temporarily accomplished.

Thanks, space-time continuum anomaly! Thanks, Justin Verlander!

3 responses to “Justin Verlander frightens the opposition with his fastball and his strangeness.

  1. I love how you equate hell with Ohio.

    That was a very strange game, wasn’t it? I liked the eventual outcome, of course, but even I felt the Twins might have had a beef or two with the umps. (Although they blew a couple of our calls too.)

    2010: The Year of the Pitcher and The Year of Incredibly Awful Umpiring

  2. It’s now a race to finish above .500 and we’re doing ok. Since we can’t win the division, I’m really hoping to beat that 50% mark.

  3. A space-time anomaly… of course, why didn’t I know that? Suddenly it all begins to make sense.

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