I’ve been thinking, oh and also Merry Tigers-related Christmas.

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Ever since I read that the Tigers were looking for new members of the Energy Squad (that’s Paws’ entourage, if you weren’t already aware), I have been thinking. This is all part of someone’s idea about What People Want to See at Comerica. To be honest the Energy Squad is already kind of borderline with me: I understand the need to keep sugar-drunk children and alcohol-drunk adults from mobbing Paws, but they’re toeing a very fine line, and the other side of that line is where Baseball Cheerleaders live. I have gone to Marlins games. I know firsthand how very, very, VERY terrible it is when a team slips into full-on Baseball Cheerleaderism.

But what would I like to see at Comerica?

–A live tiger. This one is obvious. The Rays have a touch tank full of live rays, there has probably been a live bald eagle at a Nationals game at some point, the Athletics have live athletes at every game. Give us our live tiger. LSU can make it happen, why can’t Detroit? I know there are tigers at the Detroit Zoo, so there are people in the area who are already experts when it comes to tiger-housing and tiger-treatment.

Tigers need large enclosures, but Comerica already has a vast outfield going to waste. It just needs some small adjustments. Figure some boulders, downed tree trunks, a moat, etc. This is the sort of problem that I expect Mr. Ilitch can just throw money at until it solves itself.

There may be a SMALL chance that a full-grown tiger is too much trouble… well, that’s where the toyger steps in. I will accept a phalanx of people-friendly toygers in place of a single large tiger. They can patrol the concourses during the game, drawing in the crucial Old Cat Lady demographic. Plus, everyone knows that the Internet loves cats, and everyone is on the Internet. What a draw!

–Matte batting helmets. The Tigers obviously do not need an alternate jersey or alternate hats due to the inherent beauty of their uniforms and the inherent perfection of their logo, but maybe we could get a couple alternate batting helmet days a year just so we could break out some matte loveliness? I’m talking about something like what Japan was rocking during the last WBC. Sharp. I want this with an olde English D on it.

–Dugout cams. We the Internet have been asking for this in Boston for years now. Just imagine: during broadcasts, there are cameras at all times trained on the dugouts, waiting to catch Brandon Inge or Rick Porcello or Miguel Cabrera acting like an oversized manchild (oversized child-child in FredFred’s case). Hundreds of these moments are lost to history every game simply because there are no high definition glass eyes watching the dugout. A CRIME AGAINST BASEBALL. Set up the dugout cams and everyone’s viewing experiences would be improved.

–A skate park. Some of you may say that it is courting danger to encourage young people to show up at the ballpark with skateboards in tow, all those ruffians with their slang talkin’ and flat shoes and disregard for skinned knees and whatnot. I say none of us have truly lived until we’ve seen someone do a 360 hardflip off the giant tiger sculpture by the gates.

–Dunkin Donuts stands, at least one in each corner of the ballpark. Comerica is already successfully courting the RotT Blogger demographic by offering kosher hot dogs and Dippin Dots in multiple locations, but Dunkin Donuts would really put it over the top in the RotT Ballpark Food books. I know there’s the Dunkin Donuts race, but is there an actual Dunkin Donuts in the park? I haven’t seen one.

–Striped polo shirt giveaway day. There are already various shersey giveaways. There is already a worthy polo up in the online store (the only one that would qualify for the ladies is a sad offering, though). Why assume that fans only want to dress like their favorite player? Bring Dave Dombrowski fashion to the masses.

–A bullpen car. Everyone is always complaining about the fragility of relief pitchers and the subsequent awfulness of signing them to any kind of multi-year contract. Well, here is one simple way to ease their physical burden and maintain (enhance, even) the beauty of the game.

–Coke products. I know Comerica is a Pepsi stadium and this will probably not go over very well but come ON, Tigers, you are a team that is employing Phil Coke. RUN WITH IT. Make it happen.

–Better official bobblehead offerings. This one is no joke. As of right now your options are: Miguel Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Justin Verlander, Paws, not-nearly-discounted-enough Dontrelle Willis and Edgar Renteria, and… whatever the hell this Terrible-Cartoon-esque thing is. There’s a discounted three-pack with Magglio, Miggy, and Pudge in it. That’s IT.

The Red Sox shop right now offers 13 different players in various bobblehead and figurine forms. The MFing Yankees have 20 different players. The Tigers get SIX? Seven if you include 3-pack-with-Pudge? This is UNFAIR and an OUTRAGE and must be rectified IMMEDIATELY.

(If you go off the official site, you can of course get all sorts of Tigers bobbleheads– Bobby Higginson bobblehead, anyone?— but it’s the principle of the thing. WHERE IS MY OFFICIAL WILL RHYMES BOBBLEHEAD, OK. WHERE IS IT.)

(I could make one, I guess, but that is so not the point.)

–Mandatory high socks. No explanation necessary.

That’s really all I had time to think about. Reflect upon these as you will in your time off.

Merry Christmas from Paws, the heads of Alex Avila, Justin Verlander, and Miguel Cabrera, and Roar of the Tigers! Those of you who are celebrating, we all hope it’s a good one. Those of you who are not celebrating– enjoy the Chinese food. ;)

26 responses to “I’ve been thinking, oh and also Merry Tigers-related Christmas.

  1. Dunkin is owned by the malicious Carlyle Group. Can’t support that until they spin them off.

  2. I’ve seen many a skater downtown doing their thing on bannisters at Hart Plaza on occasion (no bikes, skates or skateboards allowed at Hart Plaza in the first place) , and houses of Worship (when the clergyman/clergywoman isn’t looking), so they need a place where they can do their thing safely. I like that idea for a live Tiger at Comerica, as well as the Striped Polo giveaway (maybe Mr. Dombrowski can approve?)

  3. Oh yeah, after seeing that picture of Maggs’ head on the pic there, I thought of the article in either the Detroit News or the Detroit Free Press in which someone mentioned Maggs cutting a mean rug at Alex Avila’s wedding a few weeks back

  4. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

    twas the night before Christmas
    when all through the flat
    not a creature was stirring
    not even a cat
    the stockings of all of the players pulled high
    in the hopes that St. Sparky would soon amble by

    The players were nestled all snug in their beds,
    While visions of post-season danced in their heads.
    Dumbrowski all stripey, the hot stove was heating
    We’d settled our brains for a long winter meeting

    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
    Away to the window I flew like a flash,
    Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

    The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
    Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
    When, what did my wondering eyes surely see
    But a miniature man and eight tiger jerseys

    With a little old driver, next an old guy named Ernie 
    I knew in a moment it must be St Sparky
    More rapid than bengals his coursers they came,
    Then he puffed his old pipe, and called them by name!

    “Now Gibson,  now Morris
    now Parrish and Brookens
    On Evans On Chet on Trammell and Lou
    To the top of the porch! Even over the roof
    Now dash away in your Tiger Stadium blue!

    As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
    When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
    So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
    With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Sparky too.

    And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the eaves
    The prancing and pawing of all of their cleats
    As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
    Down the chimney St Sparky came with a bound.

    He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his knees
    And pipe ashes and soot lined 
    His old English D
    A bundle of Toys he had flung on his shoulder
    And he smiled like a child but 50 years older

    His eyes-how they twinkled! And what maybe seemed oddest
    One reindeer seemed built just like a Greek goddess
    His droll little mouth didn’t know how to frown
    As he hopped over lines on his way through the house

    The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
    And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
    With his wrinkly face and a little round belly,
    That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

    He was white-haired and spry, a right jolly old guy, 
    And I laughed when I saw him tip-toeing on by
    A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

    He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
    And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
    After smacking his nose on a wooden support
    He shrugged and said, don’t worry– pain, it don’t hurt

    He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a goad 
    And they left the old house by the side of the road
    Then Ernie intoned as the sleigh went vertical 
    “Farewell until spring brings the voice of the turtle.”

  5. . . . and Cabrera hits a long fly ball to deep center . . . Grady Sizemore is at the fence . . . he leaps. . . and the Tiger got him! Ladies and gentleman, a Tiger has eaten Grady Sizemore! And the umpries are rulling that one a home run!

  6. I’m assuming that the ‘live tigers’ comments are tongue and cheeck! Since the tigers at the Detroit Zoo are all rescues from some deplorable situations, I would absolutely HATE to see any animal used to entertain the uncaring. Let’s just enjoy our great Detroit Tiger baseball team, without all of the unneeded junk.

  7. The cheerleaders aren’t even the worst offense at Marlins stadium. I refer, of course, to the MANatees.

    • Aw, I liked the Manatees. They had some MOVES, and a sense of humor. And they actually got the crowd going, unlike the cheerleaders.

      • You are a far more charitable soul than myself then, and they must have been far more engaging than when I saw them. The franchise bears an indelible stain by virtue of having cheerleaders to begin with. There’s just a thin layer of spandex between party patrols and all-out cheerleaders at most parks anyway, but it is all that is standing between us an anarchy. ANARCHY.

  8. Damn… now I want the Higgy bobblehead. I have the jersey but where’s my bobblehead?

    Sorry, I did love this piece, you have some grand ideas that should be taken into serious consideration… my ADD just kicked in when I saw that note about the bobbleheaded Higgy.

  9. Wait I think a real tiger is a legit real concern. We should be able to have one. Immediately. Imagine the family photos! It could be a paws tiger nature preservation place. Or something. And the proceeds could lead to more bobbleheads. Tigers+bobbleheads=love. And then naturally ford field could get a family of lions. So cool.

  10. I was a little scared by your cartoon, until I saw the mention of the Bobbleheads. (For a second there I was wondering if Paws had gone nuts and decapitated JV, Maggs, and Alex – although I did notice they had little feet.)

    I am so on board with the Coke thing. At some point last season I was expecting someone to make bad jokes when Phil was called out of the bullpen, like “Coke is it” or “He’s the real thing”.

    But nothing. I can only assume it was the influence of the PepsiCola Corporation and their namesake Porch!

    • Come to the Bless You Boys gameday threads. Where Coke jokes never get old…

      Did anyone see the Pedro Almodovar film “High Heels” (Tacones altos)? It takes place in a convent with a live tiger. It looks slightly problematic.

  11. Wow. So I checked out the Energy Squad thing (bleh…fire whoever thought up that name. Although perhaps Energy Squid would have some resonance with Wings fans…)

    So I clicked on the link in the story for more information on how to apply, and ended up at a very unintuitive Tiger jobs site (hint: select location=all, leave the other field blank, click search).

    So a list if all 24 “jobs” comes up (eventually, because it is an MLB site, which are frickin’ slow)…22 internships, the energy squid job, and…mascot? Hmmm…

    So I clicked on it and…HOLY CATS, they are interviewing FOR PAWS!! For frictkin’ PAWS!!!

    Of course I did, we all must, ONE OF US MUST BE PAWS!!!

    May the best Paws win…

  12. As soon as I saw this Tweet I thought of ROTT

    SI Vault Photo (2009):
    I have no idea why, but Andy Van Slyke is giving Magglio Ordonez the sexy eyes:

    • And then to make it even better…he corrected himself:

      si_vault Andy Gray
      You never know how many people are reading your posts until you make a stupid mistake (like confusing Ordonez for Cabrera). Then you realize

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s