the Tigers will be the smartest team ever and if that doesn’t translate into wins, oh well, it will still translate into AWESOMENESS


photo by Samara Pearlstein, come back Curtis, we are making a team for you!

OK, I know I just posted and seriously go look at that post, but I had another thought and wanted it to be its own post. It’s my blog. Whatever. Shut up.

We already have Will Rhymes and we know that he’s smart (William & Mary! Molecular biology!). We already have Max Scherzer and we know that he’s smart (Scrabble!). Everything is pointing in one direction! Or just two things, but two shiny attractive things, so… again, whatever. I believe that the Tigers’ new goal is clear.

They need to become THE SMARTEST TEAM IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

I started thinking about this because Dirk Hayhurst was released by the Blue Jays, or not re-upped, or something. The point is that he’s available. I know he made a million typos in that blog entry but the dude wrote a book and probably actually reads printed material on occasion, therefore we can assume that he is smart– especially by pro ballplayer standards (“wat are a book?? I don understnd, gimme mah gun”, love Luke Scott). SIGN HIM NOW.

Who else? Obviously we have to get Curtis Granderson back. If we’re putting together a team of smart baseball players, Curtis Granderson has to be on that roster. I know Curtis Granderson is basically perfect and thus gets along with everyone, but it would probably be nice for him to be around people who don’t stare blankly when he uses a word with more than two syllables in it, so really we are doing this for Curtis Granderson’s own good. Also it would make his mom happy.

Miguel Batista is still a free agent, right? He’s an author. He wrote a novel about a serial killer, and a book of poetry. POETRY. How many ballplayers even know that poetry exists outside of simple rhymes about poop? Think about that. Then think about how Miguel Batista is perfect for this team we’re putting together. SIGN HIM.

Well wait, at least one other ballplayer knows about poetry, because Fernando Perez got a degree in creative writing from Columbia. HE UNDERSTANDS ABOUT THE POEMS. He also willingly participated in this video, so we know he has a sense of humor to go with the brains in his head. Why isn’t he ours right now? Because life is unfair and he’s stuck in a region that on the whole doesn’t give a flying cartilaginous fish about baseball. Detroit cares. Give him to us.

The Racist Logos have a kid named Frank Herrmann who has too many extra letters in his last name and an economics degree from Harvard. He had a column in the Harvard newspaper, like Todd Jones, except it was the Harvard newspaper so… not like Todd Jones. BOOM. That was the sound of us stealing him away from the Racist Logos, who plainly don’t deserve him because they’re the Racist Logos.

Of course we must also have Ross Ohlendorf. He has a mind and he uses it. Here’s an article about, among other things, his thesis that I totally do not understand because I studied art and biology in college and hurr durr numburz. I mean, his major was ‘Operations Research and Financial Engineering’. At Princeton. I don’t even know what that is. The thesis, I mean. I know what Princeton is.

Chris Young also went to Princeton and was so dedicated to graduating that he stuck with his senior thesis even after he had been drafted, working on it for two months “from the back of a minor league bus”. The title of his thesis? “The Impact of Jackie Robinson and the Integration of Baseball on Racial Stereotypes in America: A Quantitative Content Analysis of Stories about Race in the New York Times”. Yeah. He used the word ‘quantitative’. Get on this team at once, Chris Young.

How about Jody Gerut? He went to Stanford and I don’t think he’s doing much of anything right now. He’s in someone’s minor league system, I think? Great. BOOM. Signed. Nobody will ever laugh at you for being “[t]he only Tribe player able to spell the last name “Teixeira” correctly for a [Racist Logos] stadium segment” (sauce) ever again, Jody. Now you are among friends.

Then there’s Craig Breslow, who has a BA in molecular biophysics and biochemistry from Yale. He has been called the smartest man in baseball. He’s some kind of crazy genius and he torments left-handed bats and he hates cancer and he’s Jewish so basically he is perfect. If the Detroit Tigers loved me, they would have pried him out of Oakland by now. HE IS ALREADY A TIGER IN MY HEART.

WHY ISN’T THIS ALL REAL LIFE ALREADY. MENSA TIGERS 2011!

30 responses to “the Tigers will be the smartest team ever and if that doesn’t translate into wins, oh well, it will still translate into AWESOMENESS

  1. That is the cutest picture of Curtis I have ever seen. Thank you, for bringing it into my life.

  2. Casey on the Bench

    At least we have the smartest bloggers in baseball. That’s pretty awsome, too.

  3. I remember Jody Gerut! Wow. I think he’s with the Padres now, or at least in their system.

  4. That all sounds great… But if we do that, what do we do with Brandon Inge? Or Jim Leyland, for that matter?

    (Sorry guys. We love you. You have baseball smarts. But I couldn’t resist.)

    • Poor Brandon. His talents lie elsewhere. And you know they say ignorance is bliss, so we could keep him around to cheer up the nerd ballplayers when they start overthinking things. A beautiful symbiosis!

      • Actually Inge is very modest about it, but he composes a sonnet each game (yes, even when he doesn’t play, so there are 162 per season), and is waiting until his retirement to release the collection, which is to be called, provisionally, “3rd Base Lines.”

        I saw a draft of “Begloved is the Spinning White Orb ” and I can tell you with confidence that it will be worth the wait.

  5. This actually prompted me to Google it. It looks like article is two years old, but the answer was the A’s.

    http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124511558996917441.html

  6. I can just see it now…

    Sitting in the club house the Mensa Tigers are all huddled around chalk boards with SABR stat books strewn around. Calculating the air speed of different bats and debating the use of high socks vs. bell bottoms.
    All the while Inge, Leyland and Paws sit with head in hands wondering what the heck they’re all talking about.

  7. ivantopumpyouup

    I WOULD WET MYSELF IF WE SIGNED DIRK HAYHURST, NGL. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DD. I’LL BUY YOU A LIFETIME’S SUPPLY OF STRIPED SHIRTS IF YOU DO.

  8. ivantopumpyouup

    Also Porcello was on the National Honor Society and maintained a 3.93 GPA in HS. And Perry was on the National Honor Society too, and I think majored in . . . American Studies? Family Studies? Something like that.

  9. I fully support this idea. Especially cause it involves getting Grandy back!!! OMG Dirk Hayhurst … *drooling over the collective smarts of the players mentioned in this post*

  10. And clearly as team captain, a man who is both smart (Dartmouth grad) and whose very name exudes awesomeness. BRAD AUSMUSNESS.

  11. yes. can we just get all the jewish players? we’ll definitely be on our way to the smartest and most chosen team.

  12. Sounds wonderful, especially the re-Grandification, and a few poets could only help the group dynamic. But I’m thinking thinking doesn’t usually translate to on-field success. As Sparky once said about clean-living pious moral ballplayers, there’s a lot more of “the other kind” in Cooperstown. Do we really want a team of Moe Bergs –brainy, chosen, & admirably fluent in a gajillion languages, yet appallingly unable to hit in any of them? A team that’s apparently in danger of being too smart for Brandon-freaking-Inge? Of course “his talents lie elsewhere” –he’s good at baseball!

    Why do announcers keep telling us how shallow the outfielders are, anyway? It just seems unnecessarily insulting. It’s not like we have to talk to them, for cat’s sake, we just want them to catch the damn ball…

  13. I have a quesiton: I just signed up at Bless You Boys and was wondering if I could use the Terrible cartoon of Raburn riding a rhino as my icon (the post featuring it was from August 16, 2010). If it’s a problem I can find something else; I just wanted make sure it was alright since you are the artist.

    • No prob, knock yourself out! I’m pretty much always fine with icon use in non-commercial settings (since they’re so small, it’s easily fair use). But thank you for asking. :)

      • I’ve been in the habit of using your artwork as my Facebook profile images every since the Toy Verlander collection. Hopefully that’s okay with you? Since I’m in full Red Wing mode now, is there any chance you have any Red Wing artwork I can borrow? The Mule is my favorite, but any current or former Red Wing would be be awesome.

        • Ha ha, nope, not a problem. I don’t really have any Red Wings doodles… in terms of Detroit sports, pretty much just Tigers and Lions. I find it tough to follow the Wings over here; I end up following the Bruins just so I can talk to people at work, as this time of year I work with a lot of hockey coaches, and they’re almost all Bruins fans.

      • Thank you very much. Again it was just so I wouldn’t be in trouble by using someone else’s hard work as my own icon. I gave credit to you as the artist in my signature as well!

  14. Pingback: Monday Links – Packers and Ravens Win On the Road, Pistons Involved In Melo-to-NJ Deal, Jim Joyce Still Haunted By Blown Call, & Chicago Media Can’t Identify Matt Garza | Detroit 4 Lyfe

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