photo by Samara Pearlstein, come back Curtis, we are making a team for you!
OK, I know I just posted and seriously go look at that post, but I had another thought and wanted it to be its own post. It’s my blog. Whatever. Shut up.
We already have Will Rhymes and we know that he’s smart (William & Mary! Molecular biology!). We already have Max Scherzer and we know that he’s smart (Scrabble!). Everything is pointing in one direction! Or just two things, but two shiny attractive things, so… again, whatever. I believe that the Tigers’ new goal is clear.
They need to become THE SMARTEST TEAM IN MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.
I started thinking about this because Dirk Hayhurst was released by the Blue Jays, or not re-upped, or something. The point is that he’s available. I know he made a million typos in that blog entry but the dude wrote a book and probably actually reads printed material on occasion, therefore we can assume that he is smart– especially by pro ballplayer standards (“wat are a book?? I don understnd, gimme mah gun”, love Luke Scott). SIGN HIM NOW.
Who else? Obviously we have to get Curtis Granderson back. If we’re putting together a team of smart baseball players, Curtis Granderson has to be on that roster. I know Curtis Granderson is basically perfect and thus gets along with everyone, but it would probably be nice for him to be around people who don’t stare blankly when he uses a word with more than two syllables in it, so really we are doing this for Curtis Granderson’s own good. Also it would make his mom happy.
Miguel Batista is still a free agent, right? He’s an author. He wrote a novel about a serial killer, and a book of poetry. POETRY. How many ballplayers even know that poetry exists outside of simple rhymes about poop? Think about that. Then think about how Miguel Batista is perfect for this team we’re putting together. SIGN HIM.
Well wait, at least one other ballplayer knows about poetry, because Fernando Perez got a degree in creative writing from Columbia. HE UNDERSTANDS ABOUT THE POEMS. He also willingly participated in this video, so we know he has a sense of humor to go with the brains in his head. Why isn’t he ours right now? Because life is unfair and he’s stuck in a region that on the whole doesn’t give a flying cartilaginous fish about baseball. Detroit cares. Give him to us.
The Racist Logos have a kid named Frank Herrmann who has too many extra letters in his last name and an economics degree from Harvard. He had a column in the Harvard newspaper, like Todd Jones, except it was the Harvard newspaper so… not like Todd Jones. BOOM. That was the sound of us stealing him away from the Racist Logos, who plainly don’t deserve him because they’re the Racist Logos.
Of course we must also have Ross Ohlendorf. He has a mind and he uses it. Here’s an article about, among other things, his thesis that I totally do not understand because I studied art and biology in college and hurr durr numburz. I mean, his major was ‘Operations Research and Financial Engineering’. At Princeton. I don’t even know what that is. The thesis, I mean. I know what Princeton is.
Chris Young also went to Princeton and was so dedicated to graduating that he stuck with his senior thesis even after he had been drafted, working on it for two months “from the back of a minor league bus”. The title of his thesis? “The Impact of Jackie Robinson and the Integration of Baseball on Racial Stereotypes in America: A Quantitative Content Analysis of Stories about Race in the New York Times”. Yeah. He used the word ‘quantitative’. Get on this team at once, Chris Young.
How about Jody Gerut? He went to Stanford and I don’t think he’s doing much of anything right now. He’s in someone’s minor league system, I think? Great. BOOM. Signed. Nobody will ever laugh at you for being “[t]he only Tribe player able to spell the last name “Teixeira” correctly for a [Racist Logos] stadium segment” (sauce) ever again, Jody. Now you are among friends.
Then there’s Craig Breslow, who has a BA in molecular biophysics and biochemistry from Yale. He has been called the smartest man in baseball. He’s some kind of crazy genius and he torments left-handed bats and he hates cancer and he’s Jewish so basically he is perfect. If the Detroit Tigers loved me, they would have pried him out of Oakland by now. HE IS ALREADY A TIGER IN MY HEART.
WHY ISN’T THIS ALL REAL LIFE ALREADY. MENSA TIGERS 2011!