illustrations by Samara Pearlstein
No, I am not talking about Don Kelly. I’m talking about that moment however many games ago, when Rod Allen referred to Miguel Cabrera and Brennan Boesch together in the lineup as a “two-headed beast”. From the moment those words were uttered, this cartoon became inevitable.
Miggy is currently batting .333 and OPSing 1.079. Brennan is batting .333 and OPSing .906. Beastly.
Other stuff that’s been happening
–Ryan Perry is back. He appears to have two functioning eyeballs, although really if they replaced one with a glass model, or perhaps a cybernetic robot eye, I don’t think I would be able to tell even on an HD broadcast. So we might be making some assumptions here. In any event, Perry is on the roster, and Enrique Gonzalez was sent down to make room for him. Papa Grande lost his shopping-for-the-rookies buddy.
–I found this note to myself in my email account, but I have no idea where it came from. Probably the Tuesday game?
“The only time anyone calls me Phillip is my mother when I’ve done something wrong.” -Phil Coke, via Mario
–Don Kelly batting third, Ryan Raburn getting regular playing time at second base. Why is this happening to us?
–Raburn became the first person ever to hit the roof of Safeco Field in Seattle with a popup. This seems kind of unbelievable but I have no way to fact-check it so I suppose we’ll all just have to believe the Man when he tells us that this is so. Regardless, it was fun when it happened because the ball changed directions when it hit the roof, and we all got to see Chone Figgins run around like a crazy person in pursuit.
–There was some ‘news’ on Joel Zumaya, but it basically amounted to “yeah, he’s still injured, but we are sharing with him the quiet delusion that he can return at some point and pitch in the Majors without his arm exploding. Shhh. Shhh. He wants to believe.”
–Victor Martinez is on the DL with strained groin-bits. He tried to play through them but it was extremely clear that sheer willpower alone was not going to be enough; he could barely move around on the field, and even a DH has to be able to stagger semi-competently around the bases. Omir Santos is up to take his place so we will hopefully never ever need to see Don Kelly, emergency backup catcher, wearing the gear.
MORE IMPORTANTLY. We were informed that Victor Martinez plays the accordion. In fact he played Happy Birthday on his accordion to Miguel Cabrera.
I repeat: VICTOR MARTINEZ PLAYS THE ACCORDION. He owns an accordion. We have a baseball player on the Detroit Tigers who plays the accordion. A-C-C-O-R-D-I-O-N. The fact that there are no photos of this yet is a tragedy of a scope that cannot be comprehended, but until such time as the universe/team photographers see fit to bless us with photographic evidence of Victor Martinez playing the accordion, you’ll have to make do with a Terrible Cartoon.