Things we learned from a series sweep of the Wrong Sox.

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

–Max Scherzer is good at throwing a small white ball near the midriff sections of Chicago-employed creatures. Like, really good. Really REALLY good. There are people out there who will talk about Max Scherzer’s arm and Max Scherzer’s knowledge of the lineup and even Max Scherzer’s rapport with Savior Avila. But we all know the real reason for his success.

Max Scherzer is so good because he is seeing the strike zone in extra dimensions, far beyond what normal human beings can see. And this, of course, is because of his magical eyes.

–Every time the TV cameras zoom in for a closeup on Max Scherzer’s eyes, a kitten gets gently, lovingly hugged somewhere in the world.

–Brent Lillibridge is a wood elf. Brent Morel is a mushroom. Nobody should trust a team with this many Brents on it.

–Alexei Ramirez is an alien who crash-landed at Roswell and is trying to remain hidden in plain sight by joining a professional baseball team. Evidence.

–It doesn’t really matter how the bats perform when Ryan Raburn gets the start at second base, it is still going to give us a horrible spine-tingling shiver every time we see him penciled in next to that 2B.

–Miguel Cabrera is what opposing pitchers and managers see when they fall into uneasy, nightmare-riddled sleeps. So he’s going to be walked intentionally 5,000 times until Victor gets healthy again, and a couple thousand more times after that.

–Brandon Inge has been kind of yippy in the field lately, but we must take deep breaths and remember that things will be OK and we can’t let the words of the haters take up residence in our minds. Make your mind a happy place for Brandon Inge, and happiness for you will follow.

–Sure is nice when good pitching is backed up/rewarded by good hitting.

–When mascots interfere with FSD broadcasters, everyone wins. On Sunday Trevor Thompson got bothered by both Paws and the giant Easter bunny, and it was good.

–Rod Allen eats his hot dog with mustard, a little ketchup, and a few onions. He also likes it slightly burnt.

–Casper Wells takes a foul ball to the shin, Brandon Inge decides this means he needs to draw an Easter egg on it. This actually happened. I want to know who thought it was a good idea to allow Inge a silver sharpie.

–The essence of true happiness cannot be found in something so prosaic as the result of an early regular season baseball game… but when you decisively sweep the Wrong Sox, you can come quite close to it.

5 responses to “Things we learned from a series sweep of the Wrong Sox.

  1. “Nobody should trust a team with this many Brents on it.”

    The B&B Boys. Less dangerous than the M&M Boys, perhaps, but no less annoying.

    – Another thing that was magical about this weekend series? This was the first time all year I’ve heard Charlie the Singing Hot Dog Guy on TV and radio. Either it was too cold to hear him during the last series, or it was too cold to sing!

    – The broadcasters on Saturdays game kept referring to Comerica Park as “Tiger Stadium”. It made me want to rush the press box and yell “STOP! Not the same thing at all!”

    – They also said something about not being sure of Ryan Raburn’s outfielding skills “because he’s been playing a lot of second base lately.” (Facepalm) Yet, still I didn’t mind listening to those two half as much as Buck and McCarver. I mean, I actually left the sound on.

  2. Completely agree with that last point! Is there anything more satisfying in the regular season than demolishing that team? I don’t really think so :)

  3. Well, now I’m afraid of Alexei Ramirez. Thanks for that. I needed more terror in my life…

  4. Who allows Brandon anything other than washable markers and a box of crayons?

  5. See, now we get the important inside information (like players drawing on one another’s injuries after the game). If only we’d had the Twitter when Matt Joyce rescued the kitten! (No, I still haven’t gotten over not seeing a photo of that.)

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