Ryan Raburn spilled the Coke.

hasty illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Phil Coke spilled. The Coke fizzed out. Coke all over the table. I don’t know. It wasn’t pretty. It was ugly enough to make me resort to Phil-Coke-as-soda talk.

Seven runs in 4.1 innings. One of those was an inherited runner that Brayan Villarreal brought home, and one of those was the Raburn-aided home run. So that’s like 5 runs and change that Coke truly gave up by himself. Don’t get me wrong, that’s still firmly on the side of Not Good, but it’s slightly less horrific than 7 through 4.1. This is what Phil Coke needs to concentrate on, this slightly less terrible fact. The last thing we need is for him to start getting into his own head even more than he already has.

There’s video of the Raburn play over here at the Mothership, in case you didn’t see it but you still feel like feasting your eyeballs on some painful absurdity.

I’m not even sure how that happens. The ball hit Raburn’s glove, shot into the air, and went over the fence. If he hadn’t touched it, it would not have been a home run. If he had… you know… caught it, it would not have been a home run. If the ball had gone into his glove and he had immediately dropped it, it would not have been a home run. So how was this a home run?

It was almost like he reached out and threw it over the fence. Obviously that’s not what happened, because Ryan Raburn does not hate the Tigers and want them to lose, nor does he (presumably) hate Phil Coke and want to ruin his life. But that’s what it LOOKED like. Then there was that dive at the end of the play, which also had the potential to be bad. Raburn’s lucky that he ran out of skidding momentum before he smashed his head/neck into the fence or its posts.

Maybe Raburn got himself all used to playing second base, so he was rusty in the ways of the outfield? Who knows. Just weird. Weird and awful.

Consolation: at least it was the Mariners and not a more loathsome AL Central team. At least it was a King Felix start, which always has the chance to be a loss even under normal circumstances. At least Brad Thomas had a confidence-building scoreless inning. At least Will Rhymes got on base and came around to score, even if he didn’t have a hit.

At least tomorrow is Verlander.


15 responses to “Ryan Raburn spilled the Coke.

  1. To be fair, perhaps Miguel Olivo aimed his shot off of Raburn’s glove, the way a hockey player will deflect a shot on goal off of another player’s skate.

    It is a terrifying thought, the thought that Sir Puffalot uses Raburn as a late-inning defensive replacement.

    At least he only had 3 Ks; otherwise he would have had not just the Golden Sombrero, but a spinning, Christmas-light-festooned, Platinum Sombrero, with optional clown-nose accessory.

    Rough day for the Rhino.

  2. Perhaps the important question here is whether Phil is actually even a Coke of the soda–oops, pop–type.

    Could he be a Coke of the COAL type? Consider this: he was once briefly a CHIMNEY SWEEP. I only mention this because cartoonish angles…

  3. ivantopumpyouup

    If only Raburn had knocked back onto the field instead of in the bullpens. :(

    Phil Coke’s postgame was appropriately . . . depressing.

  4. Is it just me or have there been a lot of WEIRD things going on at the ballpark lately? It’s like the Tigs wake up in the morning and think to themselves, “What can we do tonight that the fans have never seen before?”

  5. “What can we do tonight that the fans have never seen before?”

    Raburn let us down, though–the home run business has been seen before:

    • I actually think this Raburn play is even MORE ridiculous/impressive in a way, because it hit his GLOVE, and thus totally should have been either a catch or a drop. Bouncing off Canseco’s head is one thing, ricocheting wildly off the very thing MEANT TO CATCH A BASEBALL is a whole other wacky cat.

      • It occurred to me that Wacky Cat would be a pretty good nickname for Raburn. Then it further occurred, why not a whole lineup of Cat Names? I’m quite unsatisfied with Boesch’s, but, nonetheless, I offer up this:

        CF Catjacked
        2B Wacky Cat
        DH Cattlio
        1B Cabby Cat (or is Meowgel Catbrera better?)
        SS Khitty Purralta
        LF Bengal Baesch
        3B Ceiling Cat (old BYB joke)
        C Allie Cat
        RF Cats Purr Well

        • Literal lol at ‘Cats Purr Well’.

          Miguel Cabrera is already nicknamed The Puma (not by us, I guess by other ballplayers). I am not sure I am comfortable with the idea of Brandon Inge as Ceiling Cat…

          • But I’m loving the idea of calling him “Meowgel Catbrera”.

            Also, the whole Ceiling Cat thing is disturbing anyway.

  6. raburn is the worst outfield the tigers have ever had.

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