the Alaskan Assassin and other such cartoons

illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Apparently Daniel Schlereth, who was born in Anchorage, wishes to be known as The Alaskan Assassin. True fact (thank you, Mr. Beck). Who am I to deny Daniel Schlereth? So here he is, attired for Alaskan climes, with his sidekick seal and a knife for assassinatin’ folks.

Of course everyone already knows about Papa Grande/the Big Potato. Brayan Villarreal says that he has been calling Al Alburquerque ‘Avatar’; Jason Beck says like the movie, but I don’t really get what he has to do with the movie… it doesn’t matter anyways since I’m just going to keep calling him AlAl. Brad Thomas does not get a nickname because everyone has been content to simply make fun of his accent, which is stupid because his accent is awesome. Still! There are other worthy nicknames in the bullpen!

Villarreal is Zorro. The explanation given for this was “the hair”, even though I thought Zorro didn’t have particularly long hair, he just had that pencilly mustache thing. But… I mean… whatever.

Ryan Perry is Cyclops, because of his recent eyeball-related DL stint. Before that he was apparently called Agent P, and also the Platypus, for reasons completely unknown to me until I googled it and discovered Perry the Platypus. This is sort of amazing and as soon as the eyeball thing has faded from the forefront of our collective memory a little bit I am going to start drawing Ryan Perry as a platypus at all times.

Magglio Ordonez’s bat has been waking up a little. Thank cats.

Joel Zumaya is having exploratory surgery. He is probably done for the season (as if anyone expected otherwise?), he is possibly done forever. At least with the Tigers. Everything is very dire and sad and filled with wistful what-ifs and coulda-beens. If you own Guitar Hero, take your controller outside and burn it as a fitting memorial.

You may notice that Zoom is in civvies here. I just can’t reasonably draw him in a Tigers uniform anymore.

Paws had a birthday! He turned 16 years old, and is now legally able to drive, but he still cannot partake of celebratory champagne (if the Tigers ever start playing consistently and skillfully enough to deserve such things).

There is no real reason for this last, but Brandon Inge has been playing some cruddy baseball lately and I am angry with him, so he gets tattoonsulted. Also, have the rest of you noticed that we’re over a month into the season, and the goatee is still absent? I’m going to keep drawing him with it, though, so as to not upset the balance of the world.

11 responses to “the Alaskan Assassin and other such cartoons

  1. ivantopumpyouup

    Not only is Inge not hitting, his defense is suffering. What’s going on, Sam?? Work some magic! Through the power of Terrible Cartoons!

  2. Tigers Weekly showed that Schlereth and Perry have their own little intra-team fraternity called the wolf pack, hence Perry’s scruff. They wear wolf pack t-shirts under their unis at all times, and have a wolf pack handshake, complete with howl. True story. They played together in college, so that’s why they bonded when Schlereth came here. And have you noticed that Rod calls Schlereth “Schlay-reth?”

  3. Long time reader, first time commenter, i think.
    Every time i see Ryan Perry, i say, most times to myself, “oh there you are Perry” I highly encourage the Perry the Platypus angle, and cant’ wait to see Ryan Perry the Platypus. it will be awesome.

    THANKS. I love the site.

  4. I can see the “Zorro” nickname. With that hair he just LOOKS like he should be a swashbuckling devil-may-care swordsman. It’s the attitude he seems to have. :)

    LOVE your terrible cartoons. :)

    • You know, he does kind of bear a resemblance to a young Antonio Banderas. (Not Guy Williams, though.)

  5. Steve-Pete Townsend

    This collection of terrible cartoons reminds me of Dr. Katz when a patient would be describing something odd and Dr. Katz would briefly imagine what the situation would look like. Now that I think about it, I can totally see you as an illustrator for that show, drawing dreidels and menorahs.

  6. Very Funny! Thanks for the laughs,needed them!

  7. After starting out with that seal I thought these couldn’t possibly get better, but I love them all. This blog brings me so much joy.

  8. Schlereth’s seal sidekick has a grin that suggests he’s happy the knife is not intended for him.
    Am I the only one who’s surprised Maggs’ bat didn’t inspire a morning wood joke?

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