baseball grotesqueries

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Brandon Inge is on the DL with mono. Since I also follow the Red Sox this doesn’t seem as out-of-left-field (har har) to me as it might to some of you, because the Sox JUST WENT THROUGH THIS with Jed Lowrie last season. But really… what the heck? How can players on BOTH my teams get hit with mono in consecutive seasons? Ugh.

It took forever for Jed to get healthy after he was diagnosed, and he ended up out for basically half of last year. He had to spend ages in the minors slowly working himself back up to full strength, because every time he tried to rush his rehab, he’d start to feel like coprolites again. But hey, no worries! Not that we know anyone who starts chomping at the bit the second they get DL’d… not that we know anyone who drives his wife crazy when he has to sit at home doing nothing… nobody we know who’d try to rush back from mono… mmm, nope…

After all, it’s not like we know anyone crazy and determined enough to PLAY BASEBALL, at home and ON THE ROAD, while he’s probably been suffering from MONONUCLEOSIS for AT LEAST A MONTH…

Sigh. What can we even do with Brandon Inge? He’s basically incorrigible. I guess this could go some distance towards explaining the massive power outage in his bat, and the way he has seemed to struggle getting to balls he usually smothers at and around third lately. Suffering from a pernicious virus that brings with it a host of symptoms, including INTENSE, LONG-LASTING FATIGUE, hmm, yes, that might do the trick.

(Let me just note that mono is, of course, infectious. I don’t expect it to shoot around the clubhouse the way colds and stomach bugs tend to do, but IF anyone was sharing drinks with Inge, confusing their Gatorade cup with his in the dugout, etc… well… it has the potential to be rather unpretty. That’s just what every team needs: a mid-season mono outbreak.)

Anyways. Inge is on the DL. Let’s see what that does. Danny Worth is filling in at third for right now, and I guess Don Kelly will get some at-bats there too. I know a lot of you cats complain about the Modern Day Inge, but a Danny Worth/Don Kelly combo does not exactly make my heart sing a love song to third basemen. So… whatever.

As for the game! Andy Oliver was worrying, Charlie Furbush gave up his first run, freakin’ Juan Pierre hit a home run, AJ Pierzynski remains a loathsome creature, much woe. Casper Wells hit a three-run homer that was much appreciated, but it was not enough to stave off the horror that now requires us to view the following:

Look at this, Tigers. Think about what you’ve done.

9 responses to “baseball grotesqueries

  1. I love the fact that Leyland is smoking…

  2. So wrong. God kills kittens? Why am I laughing so hard? I think I feel dirty.


    Dirty Dirty Dirty…

  3. It’s actually a relief to know that Inge has mono–people were saying his skills had declined and that his career was about done.

    • Exactly. The reason he’s been playing like crap for the last month or so is because he’s probably felt like crap. In a way, that makes me feel better about the way his season’s been going, because I do not like that cringing feeling I’ve been getting lately whenever Brandon comes up to bat (or dives for a ball that’s going to get past him).

      This may make the trade deadline interesting. Or, Don Kelly will get his chance to shine. Both of those ideas make me a little queasy too.

      • The key point your missing is that Inge has ALWAYS played like crap. He is a career .238 hitter. That is not good enough to be a major leauger. The only way your mono theory for his poor play is correct is if he has had it for the last 10 years. ..

  4. Oh my poor ingey!!!! He needs to be quarentined.

  5. Too sick to play cards with the other guys on the DL, I see…

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