Justin Verlander is the dominant life form on our planet.


photo by Samara Pearlstein

I think it’s high time we all came to terms with this. We humans have had the run of the Planet Earth for a good long time now, and we’ve gotten pretty used to it. Sure, there are still large predators around, and occasionally a shark or bear or stressed-out tiger will kill and possibly eat one of us, but those moments are few and far between these days and for the most part we are the baddest things around. Aside from ants, but ants ain’t building no International Space Station, you know what I mean? I mean even if they do build one, they totally do not have the means to put it into orbit.

This has more or less been the status quo for many a century, but now! Now we have to realize that we are no longer the dominant life form on this planet. Another branch of Earth-based life has emerged from the roiling genetic soup and it is so clearly superior to us in every way. Accepting this is going to be no easy thing, but that is why we should get started now. The sooner we can accustom our minds to the concept of being planetary second-rung, the happier we will be in the new world order.

I mean, I don’t know if you noticed, but Justin Verlander struck out 14 Diamondbacks in 8 innings on Saturday, holding them scoreless and walking only ONE. He allowed two harmless singles and two harmless doubles (both to Gerardo Parra, the #9 hitter, weirdly) and got his 10th win, not that wins mean anything.

Wins for Justin Verlander are like the over-the-top plumage sported by many male tropical birds. It’s technically pointless and it’s not the most accurate indicator of fitness/pitching ability, but it aims to fool the less discerning into THINKING it’s an accurate indicator of fitness/pitching ability. And it looks pretty.

Justin Verlander is not like you or me. He is more, and he is better. He throws 100mph when he is at the end of his outing. He is the next evolutionary step, destined to inherit and then rule the planet. Or maybe he rules it first and then inherits it. Either way, Justin Verlander ends up on top, because he is so clearly the dominant life form here.

MLB, AL Central, and cockroaches beware.

10 responses to “Justin Verlander is the dominant life form on our planet.

  1. I’ve often found it funny that my first and most natural response to Justin’s vicious strikeouts and utter soul-crushing dominance is to jump up and down and giggle with glee!

    Does this make me a rotten person?

  2. I for one am ready to bow down before our new overlord.
    Samara I think you need to start a Verlander Cy Young campaign like the vote Avila campaign.

  3. All Your Base Are Belong To Justin!

  4. The 8th inning was unreal. The game was out of reach, but there were men at 2nd and third, nobody out, and all that remained in doubt was the possibility of a shutout. Verlander simply overwhelmed the Diamondbacks in striking out the side. He is truly the best in the game right now.

  5. I, for one, welcome our Justin Verlander overlords.

  6. I watched the eighth inning replay, and I don’t know if I got chills from the crowd or the strikeout to end it – but it was all something special.

  7. “occasionally a shark or bear or stressed-out tiger will kill and possibly eat one of us”

    The stressed-out tiger wouldn’t possibly be Jim Leyland, and “us” be an ump, would it?

    • I don’t know if we want to count umpires as “one of us”… if Verlander is above us on the evolutionary ladder, umpires might be one rung below us. :P

  8. Very few humans will be able to measure up to the new criteria that Mr. Verlander has set before us. All HAIL Verlander!!!!

  9. I twitter asked for a no-no so I’m satisfied with this.

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