image by Samara Pearlstein
Here’s a fun activity for you to try at home!
Step 1: Get a large glass and fill it with lukewarm water.
Step 2: Put as much of that water as you possibly can into your mouth. Don’t swallow it, just pour it in there until your cheeks are bulging like Placido Polanco’s head. It’s ok if some of the water escapes. Don’t be afraid to get messy in the name of home science!
Step 3: Go to the nearest bathroom. Make sure the toilet seat is up.
Step 4: Standing over the toilet, bend over a little and open your mouth.
Step 5: As the water pours out of your toothy face cavern, make noises like BLURBLURBLUR and BLARRRGGHURRRRH. This really enhances the experience!
Step 6 (optional): Without wiping off your face, go find the nearest car. Slam your thumb in the car door. This will let you feel really close to Brennan Boesch right now.
Step 7 (optional): Find some neighborhood kids who play Little League, or your local aluminum bat equivalent league (Cal Ripken, etc). Pay them $5 to beat you with their bats. Make sure they get a nice distribution and beat you all over– your limbs, your head, your core. This will give you a nice sense of what Alex Avila is feeling these days!
Congratulations! You have now experienced two consecutive losses to the Racist Logos, one of them a 14-inning game that was lost on a walkoff hit-by-pitch, the other a blowout where Jason Kipnis kicked Rick Porcello repeatedly in the kidneys.
~Just like being there!~
Our only chance to salvage the series will come with Justin Verlander tonight. No pressure, Justin!