illustrations by Samara Pearlstein
Clunky headline is clunky, but who cares? Justin Verlander has 100 wins! Jose Valverde, with his 33rd consecutive save, becomes the first Tiger to save that many in a row! The team is spared the ultimate indignity of being swept by the Racist Logos! Woo, yay, and hoopla!
In their postgame press conferences, both JVs pretended that they totally didn’t care. Valverde tried to act like he didn’t care much about his own accomplishment, only Verlander’s nice round win total. Verlander tried to act like it was no big deal, just another win among many wins, more important for the team as a whole to get the W, blah blah etc.
Of course they’re both terrible at pretending to not care. During Leyland’s presser, insane screaming and whooping could be heard in the background– this, naturally, was Papa Grande in full celebration mode. He had calmed down by the time John Keating got around to interviewing him, but we heard your war cry, Potato. You cannot hide your glee.
Verlander spent his entire interview standing in front of a locker where the Verlander nameplate had been replaced by a piece of paper that simply read 100, with a bucket of ice at his feet that had apparently held champagne. Sure, y’know, just another win in the clubhouse. No big deal.
On to Baltimore, where Brad Penny is being allowed to pitch at night! Let’s see if he relishes the opportunity to avoid baking in the relentless rays of cruel summer heat… or if he withers and perishes on the mound as he realizes that he is now unable to function without daylight, as his mitochondria have all changed over into chloroplasts and his energy is now derived from the sun.