Justin Verlander gets his 100th win, Jose Valverde becomes Tigers consecutive save leader


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Clunky headline is clunky, but who cares? Justin Verlander has 100 wins! Jose Valverde, with his 33rd consecutive save, becomes the first Tiger to save that many in a row! The team is spared the ultimate indignity of being swept by the Racist Logos! Woo, yay, and hoopla!

In their postgame press conferences, both JVs pretended that they totally didn’t care. Valverde tried to act like he didn’t care much about his own accomplishment, only Verlander’s nice round win total. Verlander tried to act like it was no big deal, just another win among many wins, more important for the team as a whole to get the W, blah blah etc.

Of course they’re both terrible at pretending to not care. During Leyland’s presser, insane screaming and whooping could be heard in the background– this, naturally, was Papa Grande in full celebration mode. He had calmed down by the time John Keating got around to interviewing him, but we heard your war cry, Potato. You cannot hide your glee.

Verlander spent his entire interview standing in front of a locker where the Verlander nameplate had been replaced by a piece of paper that simply read 100, with a bucket of ice at his feet that had apparently held champagne. Sure, y’know, just another win in the clubhouse. No big deal.

On to Baltimore, where Brad Penny is being allowed to pitch at night! Let’s see if he relishes the opportunity to avoid baking in the relentless rays of cruel summer heat… or if he withers and perishes on the mound as he realizes that he is now unable to function without daylight, as his mitochondria have all changed over into chloroplasts and his energy is now derived from the sun.

13 responses to “Justin Verlander gets his 100th win, Jose Valverde becomes Tigers consecutive save leader

  1. Casey on the Bench

    “[Brad Penny] withers and perishes on the mound as he realizes that he is now unable to function without daylight, as his mitochondria have all changed over into chloroplasts and his energy is now derived from the sun.”

    You have to show us this.

  2. Ms biology major leaves her imprint everywhere! Readers wonder about the exact copper content of Mr Penny and if sun product Coppertone might relieve his condition. That is, so others might not have to relieve the condition with which he’s left the game quite so frequently. Your thoughts? (One one cent piece not required.)

    • This is because biology major science nerds are the very best of all sports fan science nerds. #fact #BSinBiology1991 #scienceisawesome :D

  3. Wilcoxon Signed Rank

    Our JV team will beat your varsity squad.

    Milton

  4. That’s one Heck of a Potato up there!

  5. I wish I had enough wall space to make that Papa Grande cartoon into an ENORMOUS POSTER OF GLEE.

  6. Yeah, the sweet embrace of night made Brad Penny turn out to be Just Good Enough. We could all hope for so much.

  7. you should do something for Betimet or however you spell it. i’d rather have inge but this guy deserves to be a terrible cartoon just not as extreme as your papa grande but i dont think that could ever be beat

  8. JV and Big Potato are beasts no questions asked, peroid, Final!

  9. Nice glove work Sam

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