tearing into Cleveland


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Look, don’t feel bad. Everyone knows that Slider is an abomination against decency and Nature, one that exists only because a logo-based mascot would be so racist that even a team with a racist logo realizes it would not be acceptable. Karmically speaking, Slider deserves every indignity the universe can think to heap upon his frazzled magenta head-dollop.

Verlander was nowhere near his best, but the offense picked him up. And when I say ‘the offense’, I mean “Victor Martinez”, and when I say “picked him up”, I mean “hit a grand slam”. Victor is not literally picking up Justin Verlander. He may be strong, but Verlander is concentrated pitching power, so his density is very high, like a black hole. A black hole where other, non-Tigers teams go to die.

There was a squirrel on the field. It was chased into the Cleveland bullpen, where the relievers had some fun trying to effect a capture before the squirrel climbed a fence and made a flying leap off into the brush. It’s no mantis (obviously– Cleveland lost), but it’s clearly worth a mention.

The previous game was a 10-1 crushing victory. Al Alburquerque came back, struck out two guys, then started looking very shaky. Recovery is a process. It’s ok that his first day back was not perfect. Rick Porcello looked good and the offense looked great. That was plenty.

The bit about Jason Kipnis not being back until after this series turned out to be a lie, but even that worked out just fine. That is how you knew things were going to be OK.

The Tigers sweep the series, the RLs are dejected, Slider rubs his bare patch while Paws cackles and starts claw-felting his own personal hot pink tribble. Good things.

10 responses to “tearing into Cleveland

  1. “Paws cackles and starts claw-felting his own personal hot pink tribble”
    That sounds so…so…naughty.

  2. Re: AlAl- I totally blame Mario. After the first two outs Mario said “The tigers are about to win their 80th game..” at which point I screamed at him “Don’t say that!” Sure enough, AlAl forgets how to pitch and had to be taken out. See Mario, that’s why you don’t say things like that, even when there’s only one out to go with a 9-run cushion.

    • that happens more than you think. When Duncan was up, Mario has to say how raw power he has. And then when he comes again he said he hit a homerun in his last at bat and might do it again.

    • Personally, I call that a “Thanks a lot, Mario” (and/or “Rod”) moment.

      I think noticing them helps prevent them from blowing up in the Tiger’s faces. Sometimes, but not always. So, be sure to say “Thanks a lot, Mario” before the next pitch is thrown if you ever notice him saying something like that again.

  3. But what Is Slider?? At least Paws makes sense!

  4. We’ve named these proclamations that result in something bad happening to the Tigers ” Announcer Jinx “. It’s not exclusive to T.V. as I’ve heard Jim Price and Dan Dickerson do it too. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

  5. Just 2 great series for the Tigers. Let’s bring it home Tigers!

  6. Alright this thing is just a freaky weird freaky purple dancing racist. Yeah so what I used freaky twice to empisize the word weird!

  7. Where have you beeeeen? We’re missing you. So much excitement, so few terrible (wonderful) cartoons… We’ve won 10 straight! Brandon Inge hit a walk off home run! There is joy in Tiger town, but it is incomplete without Samara!

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