A public service announcement from Miguel Cabrera and Paws.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Guess who just pled no contest to his DUI charge?

Cabrera will get a year of probation, a 6 month license suspension, and around $1400 in fines. He’ll have to take a couple ‘guys this is a bad thing, don’t do it’ classes. The plea allows the charge of resisting arrest to be dropped, and Miggy will avoid jail time. He will also have all the court stuff behind him before Spring Training 2012 gets started. All things considered he is getting off lightly.

KIDS! Let this be a lesson to you! Don’t drink and drive! Do not disappoint Officer Paws, arbiter of peace and justice, guardian of the streets! Because, look: you aren’t Miguel Cabrera.

You get pulled over with a bottle of Jack in the front seat next to you, you yell at some cops, you probably not going to get the kindly treatment afforded to a superstar first baseman. Your license gets suspended for 6 months, you are not going to have your job paying for someone to chauffeur you around: yer takin’ the bus, buddy. And while $1400 is the change that Miggy digs out of his couch cushions, it’s probably not quite such a trivial amount for you or I.

Learn from this, cats and kittens! Do not let Miguel Cabrera’s idiotic example have been in vain! Separate your drinking and your driving. It will be better for everyone. And Officer Paws will be proud.

7 responses to “A public service announcement from Miguel Cabrera and Paws.

  1. You get pulled over with a bottle of Jack in the front seat next to you, you yell at some cops, you probably not going to get the kindly treatment afforded to a superstar first baseman.

    With my lawyer hat on, I’ll say that Cabrera got a petty typical sentence for a first time offender.

    • Does the previous drunken domestic disturbance count, though? It wasn’t a DUI, but it involved the cops and alcohol, and I’m sure it’s still on his record.

    • And, to be fair, I think his sentence is ‘kindly’ in the context of a dude who’s a superstar 1B, and would be less so for Average Joe. The fact that he can easily get a driver, $1400 is no big deal, etc make it a pretty consequence-light sentence for Miggy… while it wouldn’t be for normal people.

      • Yeah, Miggy is supposed to make $21 million this year. If I’m doing my math correctly (no guarantee), that means $1,400 is less than .00007% of his salary for 2012.

        Now, for me, $1,400 would be… um, quite a bit higher percentage.

        Facts derived from BaseballPlayerSalaries.com

  2. Officer Paws!!!

  3. Pingback: Winter Classic 2013 at the Big House? | Detroit Sports Weblog

  4. Let’s also not forget that this was no “bottle of Jack” on the front seat of his Range Rover (Land Rover, perhaps? I now forget.)… It was a bottle of James Buchanan whiskey. Wikipedia tells me this is named after a Scotsman, not the 15th President of the United States. But it was a damned fine detail that added to the flavor of the story, nonetheless.

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