illustrations by Samara Pearlstein
Stop the rampant, wanton abuse of innocent baseball fan eyeballs. End the suffering of teammates, family, friends, unwary bystanders. Help raise awareness of this terrible blight upon Detroit and all who must play against them. Think of the kittens.
Take action against this unjustifiable crime. Speak up and out! Delmon Young, you need to stop whatever it is that you’re doing with that mustache right this very instant.
In happier news, this
was a thing that happened.