Category Archives: Brandon Inge

the Alaskan Assassin and other such cartoons


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Apparently Daniel Schlereth, who was born in Anchorage, wishes to be known as The Alaskan Assassin. True fact (thank you, Mr. Beck). Who am I to deny Daniel Schlereth? So here he is, attired for Alaskan climes, with his sidekick seal and a knife for assassinatin’ folks.

Of course everyone already knows about Papa Grande/the Big Potato. Brayan Villarreal says that he has been calling Al Alburquerque ‘Avatar’; Jason Beck says like the movie, but I don’t really get what he has to do with the movie… it doesn’t matter anyways since I’m just going to keep calling him AlAl. Brad Thomas does not get a nickname because everyone has been content to simply make fun of his accent, which is stupid because his accent is awesome. Still! There are other worthy nicknames in the bullpen!

Villarreal is Zorro. The explanation given for this was “the hair”, even though I thought Zorro didn’t have particularly long hair, he just had that pencilly mustache thing. But… I mean… whatever.

Ryan Perry is Cyclops, because of his recent eyeball-related DL stint. Before that he was apparently called Agent P, and also the Platypus, for reasons completely unknown to me until I googled it and discovered Perry the Platypus. This is sort of amazing and as soon as the eyeball thing has faded from the forefront of our collective memory a little bit I am going to start drawing Ryan Perry as a platypus at all times.

Magglio Ordonez’s bat has been waking up a little. Thank cats.

Joel Zumaya is having exploratory surgery. He is probably done for the season (as if anyone expected otherwise?), he is possibly done forever. At least with the Tigers. Everything is very dire and sad and filled with wistful what-ifs and coulda-beens. If you own Guitar Hero, take your controller outside and burn it as a fitting memorial.

You may notice that Zoom is in civvies here. I just can’t reasonably draw him in a Tigers uniform anymore.

Paws had a birthday! He turned 16 years old, and is now legally able to drive, but he still cannot partake of celebratory champagne (if the Tigers ever start playing consistently and skillfully enough to deserve such things).

There is no real reason for this last, but Brandon Inge has been playing some cruddy baseball lately and I am angry with him, so he gets tattoonsulted. Also, have the rest of you noticed that we’re over a month into the season, and the goatee is still absent? I’m going to keep drawing him with it, though, so as to not upset the balance of the world.

A Detroit Tigers Passover, 2011

Last year we covered the seder plate. This year we will be covering a different aspect of the Passover holiday: the 10 plagues. These were terrible events visited upon the Egyptian Pharaoh and his subjects, basically as a way of harassing them into letting the Jewish people go while at the same time convincing them that the Jews had God on their side. It had to escalate to the plague level because the Pharaoh was totally not being reasonable about that whole enslavement thing.

Here at Roar of the Tigers we will be explaining the plagues in terms of deadly Detroit Tigers, working to free the team (the Chosen people, natch) from the clutches of everyone else in the Central. This is probably blasphemy in some way, but let’s be real, if Carlos Guillen reclining semi-salaciously in a dish of horseradish didn’t put you off last year, this shouldn’t either.

The Ten Plagues, Detroit Tigers Style

Blood
The first plague involved turning the water of the Nile river into blood. Not only did this, you know, turn the river into a river of blood, it also killed all the fish. Double whammy. Here Will Rhymes uses his Science to turn the Cuyahoga River into a torrent of CLEVELAND BLOOD.

Frogs
The second plague was a plague of frogs. There were just frogs all over the place, all over the homes of the Egyptians, clogging the roads, all up in the Pharaoh’s business in his palace, everywhere. I guess this was more annoying and disturbing than deadly, although I guess you could slip and fall on a frog. That would be pretty rough. Brandon Inge of course is the frog, because he leaps about the field with power and abandon.

Vermin/lice/gnats/swarming insects
This plague is variously translated– the one we’ve always used at our seders is ‘vermin’, but I’ve also seen it as ‘gnats’ or ‘lice’. The general idea is that something small, annoying, and probably insectile was sent out in massive swarms to bother the heck out of the Egyptians. Austin Jackson gets this plague because he swarms all over the vast Comerica Park outfield, bothering the heck out of anyone trying to hit balls in that direction.

Wild beasts
The fourth plague was a plague of ferocious wild beasts, which descended upon the Egyptians and their livestock, doing ferocious beastly things. A lot of clawing and gnawing and loud beasty noises, I would expect. Papa Grande and Paws share this plague, for all the obvious reasons.

Cattle disease/pestilence
Another variously translated plague. I’ve always known it as ‘cattle disease’ but you will see it elsewhere as ‘pestilence’ or something similar. The plague’s plague. It was supposed to take out most of the Egyptians’ livestock (not just the cattle). I had to think for a long time, debating which Tiger would represent this one, but I settled on Alex Avila in the end because he hunts and that’s killing livestock-like animals and he also probably grills things? Grilling things involves livestock also, when that livestock is dead.

Boils
The sixth plague, fairly self-explanatory. Doing things to the livestock had not convinced the Egyptians to let the Jews go, so the plagues went direct to the people themselves. The boils were uncomfortable and disfiguring, and the fact that they all sprang up at once was supposed to be further evidence of Godly might or something. Justin Verlander is handing out the boils as he pelts batters with 95+mph fastballs. Although I guess those are more welts than boils? Either way. Painful skin eruptions!

Hail
This plague consisted of a crazy powerful storm, with lots of destructive hail. It was bad for the crops and the livestock, and any people who couldn’t shelter effectively from it. Probably busted up a lot of buildings too. Miguel Cabrera generates hail by smashing the storm clouds with his mighty home run blasts, of course, that is how weather works.

Locusts
You’d think the crops had suffered enough already, but just in case there was anything left, the eighth plague was a plague of locusts, which descended in a huge swarm and ate everything that was there to be eaten. The plagues were big on swarms. There was the swarm of frogs, the vermin/gnats/lice swarm, the plague of wild beasts actually translates directly to something more like ‘mixture/swarm’, and locusts are all about the swarm. Brad Penny is the locust because he’s eating the crops.

Darkness
For the second to last plague, Egypt was plunged into darkness. All the lights in the sky (sun, moon, stars) were extinguished, and there could be no fire-light in the houses of the Egyptians either. Obviously this was bad for photosynthesizing things, and was highly disconcerting to the livestock and people. Also inconvenient. Max Scherzer here is smashing lights, bringing about the darkness, because it doesn’t matter to him– he can see in the dark with his magical eyes. Duh.

Slaying of the firstborn male
The last and nastiest plague, this was what it says on the tin: the Angel of Death went around and knocked off the firstborn sons of all Egyptians, from the Pharaoh on down to the people who cleaned the Pharaoh’s toilets or whatever toilet-equivalent they had at that point in human history. Which is totally punishing the people for the sins of the leader, like that toilet cleaner really cared about keeping the Jews enslaved? Pretty rude to go killing their firstborn sons too. But you know what the Torah/Bible is like, smiting this and slaying that and everyone being jerks to everyone else, plus all that moral absolutism.

Jim Leyland is the Angel of Death here, because he is responsible for sending down the youthful prospects when he decides their time has come, and he’s also the oldest Tiger in the dugout, so he gets the responsibility of the flaming sword and all that.

This was the plague that finally convinced the Pharaoh to tell the Jews to get the hell out of his lands, which was all they had wanted in the first place. I think we all know what Jim Leyland has to do. Jim Thome, Omar Vizquel, Orlando Cabrera, Matt Treanor– you better watch out.

Happy Passover, kids and kittens!

Tigers aren’t cheetahs, they don’t run, they walkoff.


photo by Samara Pearlstein

This photo is from 2007. You can’t see him, but Brandon Inge is in the middle of that pile, getting mobbed after hitting a late April walkoff home run to beat the Twins. He’s getting love from old friends Curtis Granderson (sob), Magglio’s Hair (sob), and still-current friend Justin Verlander. It is a beautiful thing, even if the net prevented it from being a beautiful photo.

This scene was reenacted in the modern era today, as Brandon Inge hit his fifth ever walkoff home run! Let me just insert this here:

The homer let the Tigers put a 3-2 victory up on the Rangers. Yesterday the Tigers won 5-4 on a Miguel Cabrera walkoff bases loaded single. They’ve just been strutting to victory all over the place.

I know that we as fans are supposed to enjoy the walkoff win, because it’s exciting and whatnot. I do enjoy them, in the sense that I of course enjoy watching the Tigers win, but a walkoff win means that the game was close, probably TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT. I get nervous, ok. I don’t like being the sort of nervous that means a walkoff win is possible. The walkoff win may be THRILLING and INTERESTING and A POSITIVE RESULT IN THE SCOREBOOKS, but I don’t trust it the same way I trust a nice, solid, hardly-ever-in-doubt win.

I’m not really complaining. These are, first and foremost, WINS. Paws knows we need those. They also probably have a positive effect on the fragile psyches of the Tigers themselves, which will be a good thing coming off a string of unattractive losses and barreling headlong into a spin ’round the west coast.

Still, I would like to see some wins that are NOT decided at the last possible moment. I need a few of those before I can truly start feeling better about the team. I’m a worrier, ok.

ETA: There’s been a move. Weinhardt down, Alburquerque up. Eh. Why not?

Brandon Inge saving the underwater city of Atlantis from certain destruction.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Let’s just concentrate on this sort of thing for a bit.

pug marks, 11/8


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

It has been approximately one thousand years since our last pug marks post, so you know what that means! No you don’t, you’ve forgotten because it’s been so long since we did one of these. Anyways. It means that it’s time for a pug marks post.

pug mark 1
Apparently the Tigers have signed Jhonny Peralta to a two-year deal. Good news for a team without a hot sexy shortstop prospect chomping capably at the triple-A bit, bad news for twitchy newspaper editors. Jhonny had said that he wanted to stay in Detroit, so nobody is exactly screaming with uncontrollable joy, but everyone is moderately pleased, and that’s fine by me.

pug mark 2
Brandon Inge won the Marvin Miller Award for being so freakin’ awesome. This is a league-wide award, mind you, not one of those where one guy on every team gets it. Brandon Inge is such a stand-up fellow that the entire league stands in awe of him. Am I surprised? No. Of course not. Am I pleased. Yes. Yesssssssss.

pug mark 3
Were you wondering who won the pumpkin carving contest? Wonder no more. Although technically that is a scraping, not a carving. Also I think that to win a Brandon Inge bat, you should have to create a Brandon Inge-themed pumpkin. I believe that would have only been fair.

pug mark 4
The Tigers sent Brent Dlugach to the Red Sox for the usual cash-or-a-PTBNL. I’m assuming that most of you don’t really care, but he has been in the system for a while so maybe someone has strong feelings about it. I hope he makes it up with the Sox so I can listen to Jerry Remy struggle to pronounce his name.

pug mark 5
Happy belated Diwali! I don’t have an image of Paws holding a bunch of candles ready to go or anything, so have some Comerica lightbanks. That works for a festival of lights, right? Right.

pug mark 6
Will Rhymes has been having some dog problems.

The dog is a pug; I can’t remember whether or not we know his name, though. Anyone? This is vital information.

pug mark 7
Lee is doing a contest: correctly guess the first new player to sign with the Tigers (from outside the organization), win a book! It’s a pretty good book, you know. It’s got some nice cartoons in it.

pug mark 8
So I guess it’s really the offseason now. If there’s anything you’ve been dying to see rendered in Terrible Cartoon form, speak now and maybe I will draw it. I’ll need little drawing warm-ups now that it’s coming into Wicked Massive and Intense Holiday Card Creation Season anyways.

Once again the Tigers acknowledge the splendor of Brandon Inge.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

PRAISE BE TO PAWS! The Tigers have signed Brandon Inge to a new deal!

He was going to be a free agent this winter, and I was all set to be an anxious mess about this, as is my way. But the Tigers understand. They know the full worth of Brandon Inge is not measured in batting average or on base percentage. Or home run totals. Or even specious error totals that seem unnaturally elevated as a result of his incredible range and his complete inability to see a ball heading in his general direction without hurling his body at it.

No, the true worth of Brandon Inge is measured in OVERALL DEFENSE and GRITTY McHEARTFACE and ENTRENCHMENT IN MICHIGAN and also RIDICULOUS FACIAL HAIR. Or, as Dave Dombrowski puts it:

“I think with Brandon, you have to know what you have in a player,” team president and general manager Dombrowski said at season’s end. “First of all, he’s an outstanding defensive third baseman. We all know he’s a gamer. He gives you everything he can. He represents what you want on the field. He never leaves an ounce of anything behind that’s out there.

“He gives you some offense. I don’t think you write down Brandon Inge as coming out and hitting 25 home runs and knocking in 100 runs all of a sudden. I think you have to look at the numbers he’s put up and figure that’s probably the type of hitter you have. If he gives you more, that’s great.”
Jason Beck/DetroitTigers.com

Basically what I said, except I hate and never use the word ‘gamer’, and Mr. Dombrowski did not see fit to mention the facial hair (possibly he thinks it’s so well-known that he doesn’t even have to bring it up).

This is a two-year deal with an option for a third year, at which point Inge will be 36 years old. Obviously something like a 5-year deal was not going to happen, and Inge was not going to be content with a one-year deal. This is a compromise that makes everyone happy except for the grumpy fans who don’t like Brandon Inge and also hate FUN and KITTENS and SECURITY AT THIRD BASE.

The financial terms have not been made public yet, although I’m sure the amount will be high enough to make the majority of fans scream shrilly. There had been talk that Inge was not going to settle for a two-year deal, so even with the option I have to believe that they’re paying him enough to make that relatively short contract seem more palatable. Oh well. The Tigers should have some money freed up from other contracts ending this year anyways, and if they wanted to sign a different third baseman (like, say, Adrian Beltre) they probably would have ended up sinking more money into that than they did into Brandon Inge anyways. Awkward sentence. Just like Brandon Inge.

What this all boils down to is really just the fact that

and it doesn’t matter, because Brandon Inge is One with the Tigers for at least two more seasons. Barring a trade. Paws forbid. In any event I am sitting here in front of my computer, rubbing my hands together and cackling gleefully, so this is a good day, yes indeed.

Terrible Cartoons from the 8/24 game


all illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Most importantly, CONGRATULATIONS TO BRANDON INGE ON THE OCCASION OF HIS 1,000th MAJOR LEAGUE HIT!! Let us note that all 1,000 of these hits were of direct benefit to the Tigers, because Brandon Inge The Wonderful has been a Tiger the entire time.

Do you know how special that is? DO YOU YOU KNOW HOW IT WARMS MY COLD BLOGGER HEART?

Relatedly, last night I had a nightmare that the Wrong Sox had claimed Brandon Inge off of waivers (this is an actual nightmare that I had). It was so realistic that I woke up like this:

and had to turn on my computer and check the internet to make sure it was really just a dream, and not something that had happened in real life. Because how terrible would that be, right? It was not a good dream and my unconscious needs to not repeat it any time soon. I understand that this probably says some worrying things about my state of mind at the moment, but I’m sharing with you lot anyways.

Late in the Wednesday night game, Rod Allen was talking about Will Rhymes, and called him MIGHTY MOUSE. What immediately sprang to mind:

Rod actually said that Will Rhymes WAS Mighty Mouse, but this was my first thought. Just imagine the adventures they would have together! I know Mighty Mouse usually fought AGAINST cats, not with them, but I feel certain that he would make an exception for Will Rhymes. I don’t know if Rod came up with this one by himself but it is wonderful in any event.

Another thing that Rod said: “Ryan Raburn is ON FIRE!”

Which he is. Rhino was 2-for-4 with a home run in this game, and he is now batting .311/.363/.595 for the month of August. To give you a point of comparison, Miguel Cabrera is batting .284/.478/.552 in the same month (sidenote: gaze upon that .478 OBP in wonder, and behold the result of all those intentional and semi-intentional walks).

Now, obviously Rhino is Rhino and Miggy is Miggy, but for this one month, Raburn is really surfin’ the heck outta those flames.

Oh, and I guess FredFred had a good game today too. I should probably throw some love at the poor beleaguered pitching staff while I’m doin’ this Terrible Cartoon thing.

There.

PS: With this win the Tigers have achieved the ~*~magical .500~*~ record. Sarcastic hooray!

PPS: Traitor Damon is staying. The fact that I still call him ‘Traitor Damon’ should really tell you all you need to know about why he did not want to go back to Boston.

how about no


photos by Samara Pearlstein

Um, I go away for the weekend and when I come back I find that SOMEONE has gone and put Brandon Inge on waivers?

I can’t leave you cats alone for ONE WEEKEND before you go PUTTING BRANDON INGE ON WAIVERS? I mean, who authorized this? Because it sure as Paws was not me. I never said that this was OK and I should have a say when it comes to these sorts of things, I believe we all know this. I own a Brandon Inge All Star Game jersey and I have worn it in public. That is a fact. I SHOULD BE CONSULTED.

Yes, I know this doesn’t really mean he’s out the door, I know nobody should be panicking yet, I know I know I know. THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. This sets a dangerous precedent. Playing around with the removal of Brandon Inge from the Tigers is NO JOKE. It should be not treated so cavalierly.

So… let’s just not do this, Front Office. OK? Because… um…. no.

Welcome back Edwin, except… not.

Oh Edwin Jackson. Remember all those good times we used to have together?

Yeah… me neither.

(sadface)

–Brandon Inge is back, WAY early. He was 3-for-4 in his return, so things are either feeling good, or they’re at least down to a level of pain that he can handle (and we’ve had ample evidence that Inge will play through pain basically until someone scrapes him off the field and locks him into a clubhouse bathroom or something).

Obviously I like seeing him back out there. It just makes me nervous that he came back so early. The last thing you need to do is reinjure that hand, buster. Don’t be a hero. You probably aren’t going to hit enough to make a difference that way anyhow.

–Is Danny Worth really injured, or is he just on the DL roster-move-style?

–Bobby Jenks’ beard is not OK.

–I hate losing to the Wrong Sox. HATE IT. It burns, precious, it burns us.

the terrible game of terribleness


photo by Samara Pearlstein

No sense in beating around the outfield shrubbery here: Brandon Inge has a broken bone in his hand and will miss 4-6 weeks.

NooooOOOOOoooOOOOOooOOOOOOoooOooOooOOoOOOOooooooooooooo!

In case you missed it, he tripled early in the game. It was majestic, spectacular, awe-inspiring, etc. Actually it bounced out of Nelson Cruz’s glove against the wall, but nobody should feel bad about that. Yesterday the Racist Logos got an inside-the-park home run when Rhino fell through an unlocked door. So it goes.

Anyways, his next time up, Inge got hit in the hand. I don’t know if Feldman was pitching him inside because of the triple, or if he just lost all semblance of control, but it was a 90+ mph fastball and it got Inge just below his left pinky finger. He reacted badly right away but went to first, where he refused to touch it and tried to act like a manly man. When they finally got him out of the game, they immediately sent him off for X-rays, which revealed the break.

Now is the hour of Don Kelly’s awakening. But I cannot even get properly fake-excited about this, because NO NOT OUR PRECIOUS LITTLE BRANDON INGE, NOOOOOO.

THEN Austin Jackson slammed a baseball back up the middle, right into the head of Rangers reliever Dustin Nippert. Scary stuff, and Dustin Nippert was all: sadface.

They took him to the hospital as a precaution, but he never lost consciousness and the Rangers training staff apparently thinks he’s going to be OK. This is, of course, extremely lucky. It could have been a whole lot worse.

Then poor Enrique Gonzalez, who had been up in the THIRD INNING when Bondo was struggling, had to stand up and pitch the 14th. Of course he struggled and lost it. He had started warming up literally hours before! What did we think was going to happen, miracles and rainshowers of candy? NO. NO CANDY AT ALL.

PS: Andy Oliver out, Arrrrrrrmando in.

PPS: Happy birthday, Phil Coke. Sorry nobody could get you a win on your special day. At least you personally did not give up any runs?