Category Archives: Carlos Guillen

Closing the book on Carlos Guillen.


photos and illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Carlos Guillen was a veteran of 14 seasons, a three-time All Star, a Tiger for 8 years, and a non-roster invitee with the Mariners this spring. He was injured approximately 10,439 times over the course of his Tigers career. He was extremely good in 2004 and very good in 2006. He has a small chin and large ears. Now he is no more so far as MLB is concerned. Carlos Guillen has announced his retirement.

Remember the good times, Detroit friends.

The high socks times.

The touching times.

The zombie times.

The IKEA times.

The bathing in horseradish mash times.

The beached times.

The derpy times.

The derpy times.

The derpy times.

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Carlos Guillen lives


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

For now.

Tigers things that have been happening, in Terrible Cartoons.


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Was anyone in the world surprised by the ‘news’ that Joel Zumaya and Carlos Guillen will not be with the team come Opening Day? Of course not. The only way this would have been surprising is if both of them were bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and sound in every limb. That would have been truly shocking.

Zoom has soreness in his elbow (the one that shattered so horri-memorably last season), Guillen has some sort of shenanigans surrounding his knee. They will rest, and maybe the inflammation will go down. At that point they will come off the DL, play a few games, and promptly get injured again. So It Is Written.

Let us remember that I already have an entire cat-egory for Carlos Guillen’s surgically repaired knee, and the only reason I don’t have one for Zoom is because there are too many body parts involved.

Will Rhymes has (at least temporarily) beaten out Danny Worth and Scott Sizemore for the starting job at second base.

This is a positive decision from a Roar of the Tigers viewpoint, so I can only hope the Tigers stick with it, and that Will Rhymes continues to wear his hair long. If he decided to start wearing his socks up too, that would pretty much make things perfect. Oh, also he should continue to hit the baseball in a useful manner. Really, though, this is a good thing. Danny Worth is freaking difficult to render in Terrible Cartoon form, and Scott Sizemore just always looks worried. Not when he’s wearing baseball jerseys that defy the mind and eyeballs, but at most other times: worried. WHAT DOES HE KNOW THAT WE DON’T?

Anyways, I feel safer with Will Rhymes. How can you mistrust the second base-defending skills of someone capable of remaining so calm when he’s about to get his face ripped off by a werewolf?

He is also obsessed with Chipotle burritos. OBSESSED. He can talk about them for a disturbingly long time.

Phil Coke is going to be the fifth starter whether we like it or not, but the Tigers don’t actually need five starters to begin the season. The way the schedule is staggered will let them get away with just four until they get to the weekend of the first home series. So that’s an extra 8 games where Coke gets to hang out in the bullpen with all the other relievers who thought they had gotten rid of him. NOPE.

I watched the Mets game that was on FSND the other day, and Phil Coke said some things during his interview.

–“I felt like I was throwing like a little girl there for a while.”

–On how he knew things were going well in some sort of simulated game situation thing: “[It was just] about hearing a lot of foul language from the guys, ’cause I was throwing a lot of heaters down the middle.”

–On starting the season in the bullpen: “I get to hang out with my boys, man!”

–On not being able to run in from the bullpen to psyche himself up for an appearance: “Coming in like a bull from a china shop.”

–On whether he considers himself a ‘personality’ in the bullpen: “Ah, you guys say that. People are gonna believe what y’all tell ’em.”
Rod Allen: “That’s right!”

–On what he’s going to do now that he’s out of the game for the day: “I’m gonna go kick up my feet, put my hands behind my head (demonstrating), put my feet up on the coffee table and go watch some boob tube.”
Rod Allen: “You got a real nice lifestyle!”

He also recently said the following, after a bad outing:

“It was weird,” Coke said. “It was one of those days. Very rarely does this ever happen to me: I could hear everything today.”

After the bat slipped out of the hands of Lance Berkman and into the Tigers’ dugout twice — once in the first inning and again in the fourth, when it struck infield coach Rafael Belliard in the arm — Coke admitted his concentration was affected.

“Once my focus was interrupted, I was garbage,” Coke said.
George Sipple/Detroit Free Press

Fifth starter, ladies and gentlecats: psyched out by crowd noise. I’m not saying this is necessarily going to be an issue during the season, but it is a thing that happened in real actual life. Panic at the level you deem appropriate.

You know how sometimes during a broadcast Rod will just start to lose it, and Mario will continue to doggedly attempt to call the game, but you can totally tell that he’s one wrong word away from cracking up himself, and also he knows Rod is being distracting and incredibly unhelpful but he can’t get mad because Mario just can’t stay mad at Rod? You know what I mean. Anyways, I always imagine it like this. Noogies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA GRANDE! Jose Valverde turns 33 on March 24. Put on a pair of glasses, squat down, bug your eyes out as far as they will go, and scream at the top of your lungs to properly celebrate.

The end.

it’s raining on your birthday, cats


image by Samara Pearlstein

No game today (Thursday), only rain. As a result, the Tigers will play yet another double-header on Friday, assuming the clouds do not continue to weep upon Baltimore. Apparently the Baseball Gods are really into having the Tigers play all of their final games at once. If there was a way to compress them all into one single deathmatch day of baseball, that is probably what would happen.

BUT WAIT, ALL IS NOT SADNESS. September 30 is a big day for the Tigers even without a game, because it is

~**~the birthday~**~

of Carlos Guillen, and Danny Worth!

They share a birthday! Just like Max Scherzer and Dave Dombrowski (scroll down in that link). Carlos Guillen is turning 35 years old today, and Danny Worth is turning 25. Yes, you are reading that correctly: Carlos Guillen is exactly ten years older than Danny Worth.

Way to make your teammate feel even older than his Surgically Repaired Body is already making him feel, Danny.

Anyways, hopefully this happy day will have resulted in clubhouse cake gorging. The team was stuck in Baltimore on a rainy day, they truly had nothing else to do with their time but celebrate the birthing of Carlos Guillen and Danny Worth. I am aware that neither one of these guys is actually on the roster at the moment– Carlos still and forever languishing on the DL; Danny also on the DL, see, they are destined to be together– but when has such a minor detail stopped a ballplayer from partying before? Especially when cake is involved. Everyone loves cake. (Except for Julio Franco.)

The Roar of the Tigers series: Game 2


photo by Samara Pearlstein

Just David Ortiz doing what David Ortiz does. Nothin’ you can do about that.

–Jeff Frazier got his first big league hit! For some bizarre reason as soon as I heard he would be making his debut in Boston I got all my little hopes up about seeing his first hit, so that was a definite highlight. Ryan Kalish also got his first big league hit in this one. ~A game of beautiful firsts~

–Max Scherzer was not bad at all, even though some of his pitches were looking weirdly high-effort partway through the game. He also had some odd throws to first where he would make the first move aggressively, then sort of stop himself and lob a soft floater over to Cabrera. I’m sure there was some good reason for this, but I didn’t like it.

In any event, brutal for poor Max to go 6.1, give up only one run (which was an inherited runner that he didn’t even bring home himself!), leave with a fair lead, and not get the win.

–Aside from the usual Verlanders and Cabreras and even still Grandersons (and, yes, Inges), some other Tiger jerseys I saw in Fenway Saturday: two Kirk Gibsons, a Ramon Santiago, and a Phil Coke (!!). There was also a lady in the front row right near the Tigers dugout who stood up to applaud guys almost every time they were coming back in, and she had on an Austin Jackson shirt. RotT approves.

–Why does Kevin Youkilis ALWAYS get hit when he’s batting against the Tigers? He got plunked on Saturday, he was hit on Friday… and of course there was this

Lee of Tiger Tales was there. I took a photo of him with the Spazzosaurus, which of course you will be seeing eventually.

–The Miguel Cabrera home run in the first was beyond massive. I haven’t seen the distance anywhere, but judging from how it looked in the park, I would conservatively put it at 700 feet. It prompted a lot of discussion around us (among Red Sox fans!) about how Miggy might well be the best hitter in baseball right now.

In fact, when he was intentionally walked later in the game, a little kid sitting behind us asked his dad/uncle/grandpa/older brother/male-guardian-figure why the Sox were doing that. The older guy explained that it was because Miggy had “the best swing in the Majors” and the Red Sox “just don’t want to mess around with that”.

–I saw a Red Sox fan and a Tigers fan have a long, earnest discussion of some sort in the aisle between innings. Notable only because they looked so very serious and very intense, and the Detroit fan was wearing fuzzy tiger ears.

–Did Fox show the mourning dove on the field? We were really enjoying it. I do have photos of its epic stroll around the infield.

–This is the 4th David Ortiz walkoff game I have seen in person (not Red Sox overall… just David Ortiz). I saw two in 2006 (a three-run homer vs. Texas, an RBI single in extras vs. Philly) and one in 2005 (a three-run homer vs. Baltimore). The ’05 game was the first walkoff I had ever seen in person.

–After the game, we were walking out of the park, heading towards Boylston St. This guy was walking next to us. Jeans, white tshirt, no hat. I glanced at him and thought, Hmm, that guy looks familiar. I looked again and thought, Boy, that guy has, like, no chin. I wonder if he’s related to Carlos Guillen? Then I looked again and realized it WAS Carlos Guillen. Just walkin’ out of Fenway, moving freely among thousands of Red Sox fans.

Good news: he was bookin’ it somewhere, basically going as fast as he possibly could without breaking into a run or looking psychotic. So I reckon his leg is feeling just fine by now.

–Verlander/Buchholz in a few hours! EeeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEeeEEEEeeeeeeee and other excited high-pitched dolphin noises!

Curse you, Stomper. Curse you.


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

I know it’s been all bullet points all the time around here lately, but I am simply too freakin’ tired for Real Person Paragraphs that are, like, all connected and coherent and whatever. It’s not happening.

–Two in a row dropped to the A’s! Ugh. It’s not even as if the A’s are bad this year. I just still have this idea that we should always be able to take on AL West teams. I am aware of the fact that the Central is the Division of Overarching Patheticness now, not the West, but this is just a vestigial bias of my own and I find it annoying to see it trod upon so carelessly by everyone involved. The Tigers should play up and the A’s should oblige us and play down. What is Mark Ellis doing hitting those home runs? I mean, really. What does he think this is, 2007?

–Carlos Guillen has played a couple of games at second base now. So far it has not been completely disastrous. From what I’ve seen he has actually looked more comfortable there than he ever really did at the corners, or maybe I’m imagining things because I want him to be OK. In my mind he has looked like a mostly competent second baseman. Not Placido Polanco, mind you, but then again no one else is.

–Speaking of Placido, Roy Halladay threw a perfect game for the Phillies today in Florida. In the pile afterward I saw a happy Placido all jumping around in there and I got all sad and jealous and sadly jealous. I wish Placido was still on our team, and that Justin Verlander would throw a perfect game so Placido could do happy perfect game jumps with him. SIGH.

–Rick Porcello had a ton of fly ball outs tonight for whatever reason. He’s usually a big groundball pitcher, so this was strange and uncharacteristic. In truth he wasn’t horrific in this one, just sort of uninspiring and vaguely inefficient (as opposed to acutely, or Justin Verlanderly, inefficient). Brad Thomas and Eddie Bonine were the cats who provided the pitcher suffering. Please note that while Bonine’s line doesn’t look so bad on the face of it, he inherited three baserunners from Thomas and let them all score.

–I had no idea, but ‘fly ball’, two words, is the baseball term. ‘Flyball’, one word, is a sport for dogs. Seriously. They have leagues and everything.

–I noticed that Miguel Cabrera is letting his horrifying chin fuzz grow out a bit. This doesn’t improve it, just makes its horrifying lack of cohesiveness, awkward fluffy fly-away texture, etc. even more obvious.

–Magglio Ordonez made a great catch in the 4th on a Kouz hit. He caught his cleat against the wall (in the space between the padding and the dirt, it looked like) and fell over, but he managed to make the catch as he was going down, and he held onto it for the out. I was honestly a bit terrified, because it looked like the kind of play where he tore every single bit of connective tissue in his foot and ankle, but he got up and stayed in the game, so I guess we should (?) assume that he’s OK.

–Forgot to mention this yesterday, but I saw The Farns pitch in Fenway for the Royals, and it was glorious. He has pitching goggles and a goatee now. I took about a million photos, which you lot will see eventually.

–Zach Miner had successful Tommy John surgery, ending his season. The hope is that he will be back by the time next season starts, maybe even by Spring Training if his rehab progresses very, very well. But you can definitely shelve any Miner-thoughts you were still having about 2010.

–Max Scherzer will be back from his Toledo interlude to start Sunday’s afternoon game in Detroit. He was very good in a couple of starts in triple A and now we shall see if his alleged mechanics adjustments actually apply up here, or if it was all smoke machines and clever use of mirrors.

But you can’t get something for nothing and somebody had to go to make room for Scherzer. There was some speculation that it would be Armando. But Armando is safe for now; instead it will be Dontrelle who is designated for assignment. Jason Beck seems to think this means that it’s all over with Detroit and Dontrelle:

…the Tigers technically will have 10 days to try to trade Willis or see if another team claims him on waivers. Neither option seems likely.

With Willis all but certain to decline a Minor League assignment, this essentially means the end of a pairing that went perplexingly bad from the start in 2008 and never saw Willis return to his Florida Marlins form.

For now, Willis will be in roster limbo but could well be headed for a release. Claiming Willis on waivers would involve taking on the rest of his contract. He is scheduled to make $12 million this season, the final year of the three-year, $29 million deal he signed with the Tigers after they acquired him from Florida in the Miguel Cabrera trade.


With Willis all but certain to decline a Minor League assignment, as is his right, he could become a free agent in a week and a half, which would allow him to sign with another team for the Major League minimum and have the Tigers pick up the rest of his salary. More importantly for him, he’ll get a fresh start in a new organization.
Jason Beck/DetroitTigers.com

I don’t know why he’s so dead certain that Dontrelle would decline a minor league contract, but if so, this is sadface indeed. You all know that I love Dontrelle and want Dontrelle to work out so badly that I am rarely able to see reason where he is concerned. Does he have the worst numbers in the rotation right now? Yes? Well… I reject your numbers and substitute my own. So whatever.

Wherever he ends up, whatever he ends up doing, I just hope Dontrelle can find a way to be happy. Ever since I had to hear about his joy for the game of baseball being gone, that’s really all I’ve wished for him.

the agonized cries of the Tiger


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

So I’m sitting on the subway, heading home after the Thursday night Red Sox game (a loss, for those who care). I’m listening to the screeches of the wheels on the terrible track system, the whoas of drunk Red Sox fans subway-surfing around the turns, the conversation the people to my left are having, in French, about whether or not the crowd is always this bad after a game.

Suddenly I hear a tiny but distinct voice, breaking through the hubbub. Help meeeeeee, it says. Heeeelllllllp meeeeeeee.

I look around, but I can’t see where the voice is coming from. There are some kids on the train, but the ones who are talking are really belting it out there. Nobody’s speaking in a tiny little voice, so far as I can tell.

The voice gets louder as I get closer to home. “Help meeeeeee. So tired. Sooooo tired. I just want to rest, why won’t you let me rest??!” I still can’t tell where it’s coming from! This is the worst.

I get home and turn on the Tigers game, because it’s what I do. Immediately the voice becomes much louder and clearer. “Rest, beautiful rest, just let me beeeeeee!”

Of course that was when I realized: it was Justin Verlander’s arm, crying out for mercy. Alas, Jim Leyland does not believe in showing mercy to Justin Verlander’s arm, not last year and not this year. Verlander needed 125 pitches to get through five innings today. Do I really need to say anything more?

Oh, and Carlos Guillen collapsed on the basepaths with a hamstring that suddenly decided to explode snap undergo spontaneous matter conversion strain itself. He was trying to go from third base to home, landing about halfway between the two. I wish I could say I was surprised by this turn of events, but it’s Carlos Guillen. It was never really an issue of IF he was going to get hurt. It was just a matter of WHEN.