terribleness continues

nooooooooooooo

IT’S ALL FALLING APART. AGONY. DESTRUCTION. REALLY TERRIBLE BASEBALL.

Welcome back, Armando Galarraga! Sure, you settled down from the third inning on, but those three runs right out of the gate were a nice way to get back into the swing of things, don’t you think? Yes, yes clearly that is what you think. I am disgusted with your thought process, Armando.

Sure, it’s not like you got any run support whatsoever, but that’s not the point here, now is it. Or, well, it is the point, but only when I’m yelling at the hitters. It’s not the point for YOU, Armando. Like, I appreciate that you were able to stretch yourself into the 8th inning somehow, that’s miraculous and I applaud it, but APPARENTLY Tommy Hunter is some sort of UNSTOPPABLE PITCHING MACHINE and you can’t just GIVE him four runs and expect to get away with it. Who the hell knew? Not us, because as everyone knows the AL West is a fabrication and a lie, just like Mountain Time and fat-free crackers that really do taste like the regular crackers.

And hey, welcome back CASEY FIEN, I didn’t even know you were coming back until I got home tonight and saw that you had already left your stain mark on the game and possibly the mound itself. Three runs of your own and one of Thomas’ that you so considerately brought in for him, like laundry left out in the rain. Well I know you were just trying to be helpful, Casey, but this was laundry that Brad Thomas wanted to ROT. If you had left it we all would have been happier.

Back-to-back home runs too! How exciting you must have wanted things to be for the people at the ballpark! Further proof of your considerate but wildly misguided nature. If only we could figure out how to aim you properly, we would all be so much happier.

Anyways, welcome back to the Majors. We do SO look forward to seeing what sorts of wonderful things you can do with that 10.13 ERA.

September call-ups? For me?!

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Gosh, Muddy, you shouldn’t have gone to all that trouble! Let’s tear off that paper and have a look at what’s in the box…

Jeremy Bonderman

It’s always good to have unstoppable flesh-eating zombie death power on our side, so the addition of Bondo ought to be a welcome one. If the Wrong Sox get pushy in the last month of the season, we can just tell him that AJ Pierzynski has spicy, spicy brains, and he’ll go gnaw ’em right out. Let the fear consume you, AL Central.

His fastball is allegedly back (he was throwing 95ish in rehab starts) (so we are told), which, if true, would be something that we haven’t seen in literal years. Here’s a potentially terrifying thought, though: he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen, so EVERY inning, for him, will be like a first inning. The physical issues have ostensibly been defeated; can the same be said of the mental issues?

Eddie Bonine

The Bovine Kid returns! As you may or may not recall, he was the cat sent packing to make room for Aubrey Huff, who has not done much of anything since he threw dirt in Brandon Inge’s face, and that was before he was a Tiger. Now Bonine gets to come back and exact his revenge. I vote for filling Huff’s entire locker with dirt. As Huff digs out his belongings, a Jack-in-the-box-style toy cow with devil’s horns pops out and hits him in the nose. Don’t mess with the Bovine kid.

Casey Fien

Fien replaced Bonine the first time, back in July. He has the powers of a sea cucumber: the ability to change his body from a solid to a viscous liquid and back again at will, the ability to control his own buoyancy, and the ability to vomit up or poop out his own internal organs to frighten opposing teams. His blood is yellow. He will be a fine addition to the bullpen.

Dusty Ryan

It’s always nice to have extra catchers, but unfortunately for Dusty Ryan, there’s a little somethin’ on the Detroit rosters these days called Alex The Savior Avila. Avila brings a sort of glamor to the backup catcher role that Dusty Ryan can barely even imagine. Avila has a Good Story and an inability to remain clean-shaven for any length of time and his dad is a member of the front office, so… good luck with that, Dusty, you poor sod.

Wilkin Ramirez

A little outfielder, he was up briefly earlier this year when Magglio had some personal stuff that temporarily took him away from the team. He hasn’t been hitting super well in Toledo, but he’s got 17 home runs, and in his two games with the Tigers, he had one homer (his first and so far only big league hit was the homer, actually). He’s also pretty speedy. I guess that’s not a bad thing to have on the bench.

I shall call him Mr. Wilkin.

Brent Dlugach

Rod and Mario were pronouncing this one dih’LOO-gitch (short i sound on the ‘dih’), with that wee ‘dih’ almost elided away. He’s a shortstop. I hope he ends up playing in a nationally televised game at some point, because I look forward to hearing non-Detroit announcers crashing through his name like a drunk tiger in a china shop where all the china is actually made out of eggshells that are extra-thin because the birds that laid them were all eating DDT.

Armando Galarraga

Arrrrrrrrrmando needs no introduction. He also won’t be back up until Saturday, because he has to spend at least ten days with the kids. Them’s the rules.

Pretty good haul, right? Thanks again, Mud Hens! Hopefully we’ll be putting them all to good use soon enough.