illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Ever since I read that the Tigers were looking for new members of the Energy Squad (that’s Paws’ entourage, if you weren’t already aware), I have been thinking. This is all part of someone’s idea about What People Want to See at Comerica. To be honest the Energy Squad is already kind of borderline with me: I understand the need to keep sugar-drunk children and alcohol-drunk adults from mobbing Paws, but they’re toeing a very fine line, and the other side of that line is where Baseball Cheerleaders live. I have gone to Marlins games. I know firsthand how very, very, VERY terrible it is when a team slips into full-on Baseball Cheerleaderism.
But what would I like to see at Comerica?
–A live tiger. This one is obvious. The Rays have a touch tank full of live rays, there has probably been a live bald eagle at a Nationals game at some point, the Athletics have live athletes at every game. Give us our live tiger. LSU can make it happen, why can’t Detroit? I know there are tigers at the Detroit Zoo, so there are people in the area who are already experts when it comes to tiger-housing and tiger-treatment.
Tigers need large enclosures, but Comerica already has a vast outfield going to waste. It just needs some small adjustments. Figure some boulders, downed tree trunks, a moat, etc. This is the sort of problem that I expect Mr. Ilitch can just throw money at until it solves itself.
There may be a SMALL chance that a full-grown tiger is too much trouble… well, that’s where the toyger steps in. I will accept a phalanx of people-friendly toygers in place of a single large tiger. They can patrol the concourses during the game, drawing in the crucial Old Cat Lady demographic. Plus, everyone knows that the Internet loves cats, and everyone is on the Internet. What a draw!
–Matte batting helmets. The Tigers obviously do not need an alternate jersey or alternate hats due to the inherent beauty of their uniforms and the inherent perfection of their logo, but maybe we could get a couple alternate batting helmet days a year just so we could break out some matte loveliness? I’m talking about something like what Japan was rocking during the last WBC. Sharp. I want this with an olde English D on it.
–Dugout cams. We the Internet have been asking for this in Boston for years now. Just imagine: during broadcasts, there are cameras at all times trained on the dugouts, waiting to catch Brandon Inge or Rick Porcello or Miguel Cabrera acting like an oversized manchild (oversized child-child in FredFred’s case). Hundreds of these moments are lost to history every game simply because there are no high definition glass eyes watching the dugout. A CRIME AGAINST BASEBALL. Set up the dugout cams and everyone’s viewing experiences would be improved.
–A skate park. Some of you may say that it is courting danger to encourage young people to show up at the ballpark with skateboards in tow, all those ruffians with their slang talkin’ and flat shoes and disregard for skinned knees and whatnot. I say none of us have truly lived until we’ve seen someone do a 360 hardflip off the giant tiger sculpture by the gates.
–Dunkin Donuts stands, at least one in each corner of the ballpark. Comerica is already successfully courting the RotT Blogger demographic by offering kosher hot dogs and Dippin Dots in multiple locations, but Dunkin Donuts would really put it over the top in the RotT Ballpark Food books. I know there’s the Dunkin Donuts race, but is there an actual Dunkin Donuts in the park? I haven’t seen one.
–Striped polo shirt giveaway day. There are already various shersey giveaways. There is already a worthy polo up in the online store (the only one that would qualify for the ladies is a sad offering, though). Why assume that fans only want to dress like their favorite player? Bring Dave Dombrowski fashion to the masses.
–A bullpen car. Everyone is always complaining about the fragility of relief pitchers and the subsequent awfulness of signing them to any kind of multi-year contract. Well, here is one simple way to ease their physical burden and maintain (enhance, even) the beauty of the game.
–Coke products. I know Comerica is a Pepsi stadium and this will probably not go over very well but come ON, Tigers, you are a team that is employing Phil Coke. RUN WITH IT. Make it happen.
–Better official bobblehead offerings. This one is no joke. As of right now your options are: Miguel Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, Justin Verlander, Paws, not-nearly-discounted-enough Dontrelle Willis and Edgar Renteria, and… whatever the hell this Terrible-Cartoon-esque thing is. There’s a discounted three-pack with Magglio, Miggy, and Pudge in it. That’s IT.
The Red Sox shop right now offers 13 different players in various bobblehead and figurine forms. The MFing Yankees have 20 different players. The Tigers get SIX? Seven if you include 3-pack-with-Pudge? This is UNFAIR and an OUTRAGE and must be rectified IMMEDIATELY.
(If you go off the official site, you can of course get all sorts of Tigers bobbleheads– Bobby Higginson bobblehead, anyone?— but it’s the principle of the thing. WHERE IS MY OFFICIAL WILL RHYMES BOBBLEHEAD, OK. WHERE IS IT.)
(I could make one, I guess, but that is so not the point.)
–Mandatory high socks. No explanation necessary.
That’s really all I had time to think about. Reflect upon these as you will in your time off.
Merry Christmas from Paws, the heads of Alex Avila, Justin Verlander, and Miguel Cabrera, and Roar of the Tigers! Those of you who are celebrating, we all hope it’s a good one. Those of you who are not celebrating– enjoy the Chinese food. ;)