Category Archives: Phil Coke

Tigers split the double header, the bullpen splits some hairs, Ryan Raburn just splits.


Raburn sez HARUMPH, photo by Samara Pearlstein

splitting the DH
I only saw bits and pieces of the games, but with the exception of the 9th inning of the second game, what I did see was mostly good. Rick Porcello was excellent in the afternoon matchup and Bondo was solid in the night game. Both seemed alert and rested and on/near the top of their respective pitching games. Neither showed any signs of DontrelleFlu or ScherzerShakiness. FredFred was living for the ground ball; Bondo was loving the K. The Tigers badly needed both starters to step up, and they both did that very thing. How unaccustomedly satisfying.

Jackson, TDamon, Magglio, Miggy, Boesch, and Santiago played in both games, although Magglio DHed in the first and TDamon DHed in the second– of all these, only Santiago was 0-for-the-day (with a walk). Laird caught Porcello, Avila caught Bondo (so G-Money will probably catch Verlander on Thursday).

Jim Leyland actually admitted that he probably let Phil Coke go too long (35 pitches, 9 batters faced). Rod Allen said, of Robinson Cano: “I didn’t realize Robbie was that thick!” While Figaro was pitching (badly) in the 9th, some dude in the stands screamed, “FERNANDO!!” It was a day filled with wonder and majesty. Yes, the Yankees won the second game. They won it, essentially, off of Coke and Figaro and Phil Hughes’ performance on their end. It could have been so much worse. Overall the team is pleased with the day, and so I shall attempt to cultivate a sense of mild satisfaction as well.

splitting hairs
Because this team is a bunch of idiot manchildren and they were stuck in the ballpark all day, during the break between games, something like half the team acquired mohawks. Yes, you read that correctly.

Of course Traitor Damon already had one, but now everyone in the bullpen does (maybe? I don’t think I saw Valverde, Bonine, or Thomas, and I don’t even know if Figaro has enough hair to cut into a mohawk. Definitely Zoom, Perry, Coke, and Ni (!!!) though.) Alex Avila also has a mohawk– more of a scalp landing strip. Bondo has one, even though it’s about a centimeter high. Asked about it after the game, he said that he just walked in and saw the other guys doing it, so he figured he’d get in on that. He also said that they were bored, and that he would keep it for a while.

Phil Coke got defensive about his mohawk, saying emphatically that he didn’t care what anyone else thought of it. It is clear that he misses the mullet and still regrets getting that haircut after being teased about it. FSND was making jokes about it being the worst mohawk on the team, but the most worrying thing about it, really, is the fact that Coke’s newly exposed scalp portions are scary-white compared to his face and rest of his head-skin. The hair itself is but an afterthought to this disturbing development.

Maybe a few of the other guys have them too, it was hard to see with the hats and whatnot. So far as I can tell, it just started as a doofy bullpen thing and expanded a little when other impressionable, peer-pressure-able, incredibly bored ballplayers wandered by and saw what was happening.

Illustration to come as soon as someone can confirm for me who does or does not have the new ‘do. At least in the bullpen.

Raburn splits
Not voluntarily, of course. But Ryan Raburn was sent packing to Toledo early Wednesday. Between the double header situation and the Dontrelle sickness situation (he’s now saying he thinks it is/was a bad sinus infection), more pitching was badly needed in Detroit, and Figaro needed a spot on the roster. Raburn hadn’t made much of a case for himself with his bat; although he is hitting better than Adam Everett and both catchers, that doesn’t say much, and Brennan Boesch had made him look like a feebly flailing weakling in comparison to Boesch’s (almost certainly unsustainable) bulging might.

Still, you have to feel kind of bad. He’d made the Opening Day roster for the first time in his career. With uncertainty in the outfield and at second, the Tigers made all this noise about Bench Player Versatility, and Raburn must have thought he had finally found a way to stick. Now this. Harsh.

I’m not sure how long Figaro will stay up. The extra arm will definitely be needed through the weekend, but beyond that… who knows? It might depend on Dontrelle’s health or Scherzer’s continued efforts to figure out this mysterious ‘American League’ thing once and for all. Then again it might just depend on how irritable Jim Leyland has gotten from tobacco deprivation at any particular time. We– and Raburn– can only wait and see.

of Aussies and soda


Aussie baseball! by Samara Pearlstein

Coming back to win a game that has already tanked… I’m not sure how I feel about this. On the one paw, great, awesome, good, yay we win, etc. On the other paw, well, we can’t expect to do that every night and get away with it, and in fact it is shocking that we got away with it even once, especially against the Twins.

Max Scherzer gave up six runs in 3.2 innings. Usually that would be the kiss of baseball death. But tonight it was not! In part this was because of the bats– which I will get to momentarily– and in part it was because of some BEAUTIFUL BULLPEN WORK courtesy of Brad Thomas (hence your lead image), and also this fellow:

RELIEF PITCHING saving the game? Why I never! But that is what happened. Between B-Thom and Coke there were zero runs allowed, three hits (a double and two singles), five Ks, and ZERO walks, all in 4.1 innings. That’s longer than the starter was in the game, mind you, and infinitely more effective. Thomas inherited two of Scherzer’s runners and didn’t let either one of them score. I’m not sure what happened here, but it brings me joy and I would like to see it repeated.

Of course even the best pitching and defense in the world will not get you back from a five run deficit. For that we had to turn to the bats. And Brandon Inge said, “Max, Max, don’t let the tears of losing mar your beautiful eyes. I will make it all better.” And Scherzer said, “Um, OK, that’s a little creepy. But thanks?” Always a manchild of his word, Inge hit the only Tiger homer of the game, for maximum awesome. They managed to work big, melt-down-y innings in the fourth and sixth, and went from having one run when Scherzer left the game to eleven runs in the end.

So, yeah, this one probably should have been a loss. It wasn’t. Somehow. Do we dare to hope for repeatability?

Some random notes from the game:

–There were actually TWO Australians on the field in this one. Brad Thomas, of course, and Luke Hughes, who played third for the Twinkies in his major league debut today. Sadly he hit a home run in his very first big league at-bat, but it was off of Scherzer, not Thomas, so Australia didn’t explode or anything.

–Jim Leyland on what he thought about a Denard Span dropped ball in the outfield, which may or may not have been a catch: “I’m 65 years old, I can’t see that far.” The reporters chuckle, waiting for elaboration. From Leyland, only silence.

–Scherzer’s eyes in HD close-ups are absolutely captivating. He’s got a snaggletooth on the bottom though that I also never noticed until I saw an HD postgame interview. (As a positive he notes that he didn’t walk anyone today, and this outing did not make him lose confidence in his pitching.)

–Miggy and Dontrelle hugging and hopping in a circle in the dugout. BEAUTIFUL

–OK, I have put off discussing this for long enough. The McDonald’s player of the game fan vote thing: why is Brandon Inge ALWAYS in the top 3? It’s not that I fail to appreciate him, as you all know, but it seems like every single day, regardless of what he’s done on the field or at the plate, Inge is up there in that voting. Who exactly is texting in those votes (I won’t do it because I’m pretty sure once you do, you get text messages from McDonalds)? What sort of crazed IngeHordes have control over this fan vote?

Inge hits the stitches off the ball, and other doodle tales


doodle by Samara Pearlstein

You know what’s annoying? When you’re doodling cartoons during the game, planning to get something to use in the post, and one by one the Tigers go through and invalidate each of your doodles as you finish them. It’s like they WANT to be unpredictable and annoying to bloggers. Would it be so bad to start the game playing well, and just… maintain that for the entire length of the game? Would that really be so terrible?

Like tonight: I started out with an Austin Jackson action figure (props to Rod Allen’s ‘Action Jackson’), because he had a couple of hits and seemed like he’d deserve a drawing. Then Inge went yard, and Miggy started piling up hits, and Jackson’s game didn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.

So I started a doodle of Jeremy Bonderman frolicking with a happy baseball. Bondo was perfect through 3.2 and that was broken up by a Josh Hamilton singleshot homer, which isn’t so terrible in the grand scheme of things. It was looking like his second good outing in a row. It seemed appropriate. Of course then Bondo put a couple of guys on in the 5th and uncorked an incredibly wild pitch that scored a run… then he loaded the bases in the 6th, madness ensued, Zoom had to come on in the middle of the inning, etc. Another doodle negated.

I was too scared to doodle Zoom, lest the bad doodle mojo strike him down mid-pitch.

THEN I started doodling a Coke can with Phil Coke’s facial hair, which, OK, was probably a mistake in the first place, but how was I to know that Phil Coke would blow the save? I know he got the W at the end of the day, I know he wasn’t ~technically~ tagged with any runs, but he inherited loaded bases and let two of them score, which was totally mean to Zoom, so… no can for today.

Finally, after BRANDON INGE’S SECOND HOME RUN OF THE GAME, I figured he was a safe enough doodle bet, and the hastily rendered image up top there is the result. I swear to Paws, if he had committed an error in the bottom of the 9th or something, I would have just thrown down my pen in rage and you would have had to deal with another lazy-day photo.

Now the Tigers go home (yay!) to play the Twinkies (…eek). They won 5 games on the 11-game Wrong Coast road trip, which is obviously not great, but is also not as terrible as it could have been. I guess? They’re still over .500 (by a sliver), and they actually have the 5th-best record in the AL right now. Weird. Anyways, as frustrating as things have been, they could have been much worse. So let’s concentrate on getting those hamstrings restrung, let’s enjoy the fact that we’ve escaped utter destruction so far, and let’s start playing some cleaner baseball (Justin, FredFred).

Those Twinkies aren’t going to eat themselves, you know.

Miguel Cabrera’s birthday win


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Miguel Cabrera turned 27 years old today! On Saturday, Ryan Raburn turned 29! Happy birthday, kittens! I hope you got lots of awesome presents and cake, although Miggy said that he didn’t get anything from his teammates because they’re all cheap. You should be ashamed of yourself with that zillion-dollar contract, Magglio.

At least Miggy got a win for his birthday. That’s something, even if he had to do most of it himself, driving home three of the Tigers’ four runs with one swing of his mighty birthday bat. Poor Ryan Raburn went 0-for-4 on his birthday, and they lost. Celebrate today, Ryan! Miggy will share his cake with you.

Things:

–I didn’t see Saturday’s game, therefore it does not exist. I’m sorry, has Justin Verlander pitched yet? No? He can’t have pitched, that would mean a combination of Ryan Rowland-Smith and the Seattle bullpen out-pitched him, and I think we all know that is not a possible thing. I guess they’ll just be skipping his spot in the rotation this time around. Oh well! Onwards.

–Best thing about Ryan Rowland-Smith is his Twitter handle. Hyphen18? Adorkable. He also uses exclamation points a lot, which makes him seem incredibly hyper.

–Seriously, poor Rhino. Batting .188/.381/.250, reinforcing that line on his birthday. And he doesn’t get to play the next day to try to make up for it. Hang in there, li’l guy.

–Snell. How is that hard to say? SNELL, pronounced exactly like you would think. Rod Allen cannot stop calling him “Ian Schnell“. I don’t even know where he’s getting that pronunciation from, but it is consistent.

–I note that Alex Avila has stopped fighting the inevitable and is letting his beard grow out. Of course he might just be doing it for hockey or something, but his face is clearly incapable of remaining clean-shaven for more than five minutes post-razor anyways; he may as well learn to rock it.

–I also notice that Phil Coke got a haircut, although he is for now at least keeping the facial hair (and PLEASE keep the facial hair, Mr. Coke, I beg you on behalf of cartoonists everywhere). I guess the teasing got to be a bit much.

With Coke’s Fu Manchu and hair style resembling a mullet, the Tigers also acquired a new target for ribbing out in the bullpen.

“We need to perm his hair, man,” reliever Joel Zumaya, after breaking into laughter, said prior to a recent Tigers home game. “Me and (Eddie) Bonine were joking around a bit. I heard it’s kind of a touchy subject, his hair. We’re going to buy (wigs) and come out in the bullpen with this long hair.”

Coke responded to his teammate, who fashions a buzz cut: “Well, he’s just hatin’ — just hatin’.”
Scott DeCamp/Kalamazoo Gazette, via Mlive.com

Don’t ever worry about what Zoom thinks when it comes to facial hair styling and tonsorial dressing, Phil Coke. Just look at what he has on HIS chin. I mean, honestly.

–Starting to feel a little less worried about Max Scherzer. It’s still early, of course, the league doesn’t really know him yet, etc, but he’s not such a terrifying total unknown to us Tigers fans anymore, and that’s nice. I like to have a minimal amount of complete panic in my day.

–The Tigers head out to Anaheim/LA/whatever next. Fernando’s with the Rally Monkeys. Prepare yourselves.

–I have not yet come across a commercial so disgusting that I turned off a baseball game to avoid it. But those new Labatt Blue Light ‘Refreshment Duo’ ads might be the ones to do it. I know I joke a lot about things like the overplayed Little Caesar’s ads and the April in the D ads and even the uncomfortable undertones in the Foundation for a Better Life ads, all that, but those Labatt Blue commercials honestly, truly make me want to put the remote through the screen. Or completely dissociate myself from the entire baseball fandom demographic which apparently makes an ad like that acceptable.

They are not cute, they are not funny, and I don’t really care if this makes some of you think I’m a humorless feminazi or whatever eyerollingly stupid term you want to use. Not cool, Labatt. Not cool.

Good things happen. I don’t quite trust it, but I like it.


Magglio by Samara Pearlstein

I’m not even sure what to say about these last couple of games. The Tigers won both, so… good. I am still not positive HOW they won on Sunday, but, you know, good. The only thing I know for sure is that Magglio Ordonez is ON FREAKIN’ FIRE. He’s got 12 hits and 6 runs in 6 games so far; he’s batting .462/.517/.769. Obviously that is an unsustainable pace, but do you really care? No. You don’t care. You’re like me, you just enjoy the hell out of the Magglio Ride while it lasts.

I was working during the Saturday game, so I didn’t see it. I know that Bondo apparently did a whole bunch of positive, old-school-Bondo-type things. I know that Magglio hit a two-run homer in other example of pure Magglio gloriousness. I know that it was the Chinese New Year of the Tiger celebration and that Fu-Te Ni, appropriately, got into the game. I know he hit a couple of batters, but it was Year of the Tiger Day, ok, Ni had free reign to do whatever he wanted, and if what he wanted was to be a little bit wild while not ruining the game, so be it.

I did watch on Sunday, though, and… um. Verlander had a disturbingly bad first inning (43 pitches and five runs, including a Luis freakin’ Valbuena grand slam). A true Bondo first inning, actually. Now we have to hope that the First Inning Syndrome was not contagious. It’s bad enough that every little cold gets passed around the clubhouse because ballplayers do not believe in tissues and hand sanitizer; First Inning Syndrome would be even worse. Basically what I’m saying is: WASH YOUR HANDS, BONDO. Sheesh.

After giving up five runs in the first and not scoring any runs themselves until the 5th, the Tigers absolutely should have lost this game. But in baseball, there is no ‘should’! There is only ‘oh yeah that actually happened, huh, look at that’! Still. The Tigers left 18 cats on base. There were three Racist Logo home runs and zero long shots from the Tigers.

But stuff just kept happening. It may have taken them to the 5th to get their first run, but the Tigs scored in every inning after that. Bonine gave up some runs, but the bats kept on clawing back, and suddenly it was the 9th inning, and it looked like this:

–Raburn grounds out.
–Magglio, hero, singles. The crowd begins to act like they believe the Tigers can actually do this thing.
–Miggy walks.
–Carlos Guillen doubles, scoring Magglio and making the score 8-7. The crowd goes nuts.
–Inge grounds out to Asdrubal Cabrera, who makes a fairly insane diving stop on the ball.
–Ramon Santiago walks, loading the bases. A couple of the pitches are borderline, but we’ll take it. Even with two outs, everyone is losing their minds.
–Johnny Damon pinch hits for G-Money. He walks in the tying run on four straight balls. Crowd goes bonkers. The Racist Logo pitcher is thoroughly freaked out.
–With Sizemore up, the Racist Logo pitcher throws one ball, then chucks a wild pitch that the catcher has no chance on. Guillen scores. Tigers win, 8-9. Everybody jumps on everybody else at home plate. Beauty and truth prevail.

So Verlander is saved from a loss, the home opening series is magically transformed into a sweep, Magglio continues his campaign of fabulousness, and all the new cats get to hop around in a walkoff party pile. The best part?

Eddie Bonine started the 9th and had to come out in the middle of his first batter (not sure what happened, I wasn’t paying very close attention). Leyland brought in Phil Coke. The batter had a full count and Coke let him single, but he followed that up with a line-out to third and a double play. The game was 8-6 Racist Logos at that point. Since the rally came in the bottom of the 9th, it was Coke who got the Win-with-a-capital-W.

In light of his immense sadness following what he considered a poor performance, this just warms my cold little heart. See, Phil Coke! I told you it wasn’t so bad.

welcome back to Detroit


cartoon by Samara Pearlstein

The gates have opened, the hot dogs are roasting (or whatever it is they do to make those things nominally cooked). The lights are on, the grass, despite the temperature, is green. Rod and Mario have returned to their accustomed booth. Paws has swept the dust from home plate. It’s the home opener!

And the Tigers won. Which is great, because I had scrawled spring cleaning Paws up there before the game, and his smugly pleased expression would have looked awkward if we’d lost. Thanks for that, Cats.

FredFred gets the win, and although he only went five innings (87 pitches), he looked sharp. He gave up two runs: a singleshot homer from Travis Hafner, and an RBI single from Mike Redmond, who stayed with the ball way deep into the strikezone and just poked it through the defense. Porcello didn’t look that bad in either at-bat. And did I mention how cold it was during the game? Because it was apparently cold. Miserably, Detroit-ly cold. Not-great-for-pitchers-ly cold. FredFred handled it well. It could have been more efficient, it could have been a little cleaner, but I am content.

Inge on Porcello’s lack of big game jitters, after the game: “He’s a better guy than I am, I dunno. He’s toeing the mound with 50,000 people out there and it doesn’t look like it bothers him at all.”

Scott Sizemore got his very first big league hit! A single with one out and a man on in the fifth. He eventually came around to score on a hilarious series of bad defensive events on the part of the Racist Logos. I’m just glad he got it out of the way before the season wore on much longer; if he started pressing to get that first hit, it probably would not have ended happily. (As an aside: in this game, there were two Sizemores [Scott and Grady] and two Cabreras [Miguel and Asdrubal].)

A note on how cold it was: the loudest cheers of the day were on the few occasions when the sun came out. The first time it happened, Rod and Mario had just mentioned Ernie Harwell. Suddenly the sun comes out and the crowd roars. They couldn’t have planned it better, unless Rod Allen can control the clouds with his mind, which I guess is a possibility that must be considered.

Jim Leyland, after the game:
–Porcello wasn’t sharp by his own admission, couldn’t get strike one, had a little trouble with his control, but it was a good sign he could come out when he wasn’t on top of his game and still get the win.
–Agrees that we need to start doing better against starting pitchers.
–He’s “never one to look for excuses”, won’t blame FredFred’s lack of ‘feel’ on the weather. Claims he thought it was going to be brutal, but wasn’t as bad as he expected. “Fans got excited when the sun came out a few times, and so did I. I mean, I’m old. It felt good, believe me.”

FredFred, after the game:
— “In regard to some of the other guys in this clubhouse, I haven’t done much. It’s a good start and I’m happy with what I’ve done so far, but it’s a long season ahead of us…”
–Struggled with his command early in the counts, rest of the team backed him up.
–Agrees with Leyland that the weather was not much of a factor, says he was just a little erratic.
–He was pretty amped up, especially for the first inning. “I was prepared for it, but at the same time, you can’t help being a little excited out there.”
–Calls Joel ‘Zoomy’.

Damon, after the game:
— “We are definitely going to count on all 25 guys here, and also some guys we had to send out at the end of the spring…. you need everybody, guys you can count on, guys like Raburn, guys like Santiago, Kelly. You need those types of players and these guys, they fit well into the system. I think that’s why we’re going to be a very good team.”
–On the burgeoning beard: “It feels a little messy [reporters laugh]. I would shave it, but we’ve been playing good baseball. Who cares what I do? I’ll sacrifice a few o-fers for team victory.”
— “I promise you there’ll be some hits in my future, and some contribution.” Said this with a grin, the reporters laughed.

Phil Coke, after the game:
— “It was a hairy situation, felt like I went out there and handled the hairy situation… Everybody’s got to do something, I might as well make it interesting once or twice.” Stands up, goes on to say that he can’t stand doing that really, felt like he let down his teammates a little bit.
— “It’ll get better from here, I promise.”
–He has freckles! Thank you, HD.
–Asked about how the bullpen feeds off of each other, he starts talking about how they do, and they rally ’round when you might have a guy who struggles. Then he takes himself and his performance today as an example. Holy cats, someone needs to go in there and give the man a hug.

Seriously, Coke faced five batters. He gave up no hits and no runs. He inherited one baserunner, who did not come around to score. He walked two guys and had to leave them for Zoom to deal with, which must be what has got him so down, but Zoom didn’t let either one of them score. It’s not that bad, Phil Coke! Please cheer up!

Tim Allen, Detroit area native, in the booth in the second inning:
–Sadly admits that he is a Lions fan.
–Hates on the FSND headset, says it’s like something “from the ’30s”, asks why they don’t have Bluetooth yet.
–Expresses surprise that Dave Dombrowski went to Western Michigan and got a good job (Allen himself went to Western).
–Big fan of Dave Bing, thinks he respects the city and knows what needs to happen.
–People ask him to do the Buzz Lightyear voice all the time, but it’s disturbing for small children, because he doesn’t look like Buzz Lightyear. Says it’s like a kid seeing a guy in a Mickey Mouse suit with the head off.

Mario, asking about Tim Allen’s comedy start in Detroit: “Were you funny back then?”
Tim Allen: “I’m gonna knock you out. If I can get this headset off, I’m gonna knock you out.”

things Rod Allen said:
— “You know what they say, there ain’t no party like a Detroit party, and that’s absolutely a known fact.”
— “This much I do know, he’s got a big league name! AUStin JACKson!”

Magglio had another good day, Inge had a good day. Adam Everett had yet another hit. The Tigers turned three double plays once again. It would be nice if all of this could have resulted in runs WITHOUT the necessity of a Racist Logo screw-up, but I guess a win is a win. Happy Home Opener to us all.

happy first night of Tigannukah!


tigannukiah by Samara Pearlstein

Tigannukah… that doesn’t really work, does it? Oh well. Anyways, all I want for Chanukah is Curtis Granderson back again. Sadface.

JJ Putz won’t be one of our presents either, as he’s been signed by the Wrong Sox. What is up with them getting their grubby mitts all over Wolverines? DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN THE WORLD, WRONG SOX? And they’re saying that the Cane Toad will still be the closer, so Putz will be a set-up guy… this is just unnecessarily harsh. It’s like they’re purposefully taunting us.

‘Cause, you know, right now our closer is the Ghost of Joel Zumaya’s Good Health. Fantastic! I’m sure that will go really well and will totally not end in tears.

As for the rotation… Phil Coke for fourth/fifth starter? He is a lefty, which is a point in his favor, and he’s breathing, which is really the only hard and fast qualifier for the Detroit rotation these days. The Yankees didn’t seem to view him as a starter (the last time he started was back in double-A), but maybe all he needs is a little tender loving encouragement?

“I want the ball no matter what,” said Coke, 27. “I don’t mind the title that I have. I may be labeled as a reliever, but I’m just as capable as a starter. If you want me to go nine innings, cool, no problem.”
John Lowe, Detroit Free Press

Well, Cokes m’boy, the difference between starting and relieving involves a BIT more than a mere title. This isn’t one of those rose, scent, equivalent sweetness kinds of situations. But sure, your confidence is adorable and appreciated, so we’ll just pat you on the head for now and send you along to work on stretching yourself out for the season. Seriously. If we’re going this route, start those workouts NOW.

Contest entries will be accepted up ’til midnight tonight! The post announcing winners and whatnot should be up at some point tomorrow. Vast excitement.

the Worst Thing

Reports indicate that the Tigers/Yankees/Dbacks trade is a go.
eta: Report from The Mothership as of 3 pm Tuesday.

So the Tigers would get:
–Max Scherzer (Dbacks)
–Daniel Schlereth (Dbacks)
–Phil Coke (Yanks)
–Austin Jackson (Yanks)
–maybe Mike Dunn? (Yanks)

The Tigers would give up:
–Edwin Jackson (Dbacks)
–Curtis Granderson (Yanks)
–faith in the inherent goodness of the world

THIS IS THE WORST THING

Trading Granderson was always going to be awful, heart-rending, soul-destroying, etc, but sending him to the Yankees is like… it is like taking the most beautiful thing you can imagine– say a kitten with enormous eyes and soft fur, sitting on a bed of fresh flowers under a rainbow while butterflies soar above it and Mozart plays in the background– and setting it on fire, then dumping it into an open sewer, then setting the sewer on fire, then putting that fire out with nuclear waste, then having sex with a bunch of half-decayed donkey corpses, and throwing those onto the nuclear waste sewer, and setting fire to the whole thing again. That is what Curtis Granderson on the Yankees is like.

As for Edwin Jackson… oh my gosh who will be Justin Verlander’s dugout buddy now??

My problem with the Jackson-for-Scherzer swap is that it doesn’t really help the starting rotation, it just shuffles the problem over. The issue was never that Jackson didn’t help the rotation– because he did– it was that there simply weren’t enough Real Live Actual Starters on the team. So, fine, we pick up Scherzer, great, a new starter… but giving up Jackson at the same time and failing to get a second starter anywhere else in this trade (Schlereth is a reliever) means that the Tigers are right back to where they were before. Before, the rotation was Verlander, Porcello, Jackson, and scraps. Now the rotation is Verlander, Porcello, I guess Scherzer, and scraps. THAT DOESN’T HELP.

But I guess the payroll is reduced, GREAT, I HOPE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD ABOUT THAT, FRONT OFFICE. I HOPE REDUCING PAYROLL WAS WORTH MAKING FANS CRY.