Category Archives: Royal Pain

the skull of KC haunts us


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Do you think it gives me pleasure to post this? Do you think I want to have to look at the malformed, mutated, biologically improbable skull of Sluggerrr every time my browser happens over this way? Do you think this is fun for me, Tigers? Do you??

This is what happens when the Tigers get swept by the Royals, on the very home turf of this accursed creature. It is true that anyone can get swept by the Royals– it happened to the Wrong Sox earlier this month, it happened to the Rays back in June, etc– but that did not make it any easier to watch in progress, and that does not make it any easier to swallow now, after the crime has been committed. I submit that it is one thing to be swept by the Royals and it is another, significantly worse thing to be swept by the Royals while involved in extremely close races for both the division and a wild card spot.

(Although those races are getting less close all the time, as a result of things like being swept by the Royals.)

I know that there’s a month left. I know that it’s a roster-expanding month, with all the new maneuverability that implies. I know that so many things over which the Tigers have no control could happen: maybe the Wrong Sox pitchers eat some bad shrimp at a post-game buffet and all come down with debilitating ailments of the digestive tract; maybe the A’s start playing horribly at home because their field is getting all messed up from football games; maybe Tampa just stops trying because nobody’s watching them anyways; maybe the Orioles remember that they’re the Orioles and experience a spectacular yet appropriate statistical rationalization.

But for the love of Paws, the Tigers could have REALLY used this series.

Eric Hosmer terrorizes Tigers


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

So excited to be done with the Royals for now. Sure, it’s the Wrong Sox up next and they’re a slightly bigger deal, but I think we all need a break from Eric Hosmer. He’s just not right. One might even call him baseball evil.

Did you know that every single time he came up to the plate on Thursday, Hosmer reached base? He was 3-for-3, and he also had two walks. He homered, AGAIN. He is a Royal Pain in the Posterior. A couple weeks off from him can only be a good thing.

Jacob Turner was back for this start, and was victimized by Hosmer, among others. He gave up 6 runs in 4.1 innings, but the pattern of the offense meant that Phil Coke was the one who got tagged with the loss (and the blown save). A simple tale of pitching woe, except for the fact that it came against the Royals. I don’t care what Jim Leyland says about how dangerous the Royals have become, it’s the principle of the thing. They are still the ROYALS.

But of course Jacob Turner is a mere kitten. As Jason Beck pointed out, there is less difference in age between Turner and the Kids Take the Field urchins (max age 14– 6 years younger than Turner) than there is between Turner and Magglio Ordonez (age 37– 17 years older than Turner).

Maybe this Sunday they should let Turner run the bases.

Speaking of elderly right fielders, Magglio actually had a very good game. Like, almost Hosmer-good! He was 3-for-4 with two doubles and a home run AND a stolen base and a pleasant little boost to his self esteem. He will undoubtedly be icing his entire body right up until gametime tomorrow, but it’s nice to see the old cat has some play left in him.