Category Archives: Ryan Perry

Hellos and Goodbyes in Detroit

illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Hello Octavio Dotel! Welcome to your MLB-record 13th different team!

He’s coming in on a one year, $3.5 million deal with an option for 2013. He’s a righty. He just turned 38 this November. He should be bouncing around the late inning/not-closing portion of the bullpen with Joaquin Benoit and Al Al. He’s been around for so long that he oozes veteran presence from his every pore, especially on hot days. He wears his socks up and thus will provide a new socks buddy for Papa Grande.

He is also Dominican, just like Benoit, Al Al, and Valverde. One nation, one bullpen. Don’t make things weird, Phil Coke.

Hello Collin Balester! I don’t know anything about you except for the fact that you can grow one heck of a mustache when you put your mind to it.

So saith Jason Beck:

The 25-year-old Balester has a big frame at 6-foot-5, and a power arm for a longer reliever.

So Rod Allen should enjoy him, at least.

However, Balester was acquired in a trade with the Washington Nationals. To get him the Tigers traded away Ryan Perry. That means

Yes, Rick Porcello has been deprived of his former roommate/BFF/hetero lifemate/companion donkey. Goodbye, Ryan Perry!

In general I am a fan of these moves. It doesn’t seem like a bad idea to take Dotel on for a year and see what might be left in his ancient body. Balester doesn’t seem like a wholly hopeless gamble. And Perry has the Tigers convinced that he’s a mental midget:

“There’s too much differential between his good [slider] and his bad one for me,” [Leyland] said. “He throws one of the best sliders you’ve ever seen, and then the next one’s not a good one. It’s not good at all. It’s left in the middle and it spins. There hasn’t been much in between. It’s almost an exaggeration, and it’s a little bit the same with his [fastball].”

The 24-year-old Perry pitched in 20 games over the summer for Triple-A Toledo, racking up seven saves while allowing 24 hits over 32 2/3 innings with nine walks and 30 strikeouts. Leyland said the reports from Toledo suggested that he threw his changeup with confidence in Toledo under less pressure.
Jason Beck/

Or whatever. The point is, the team’s faith that he could slay the Inconsistency Dragon and finally access his full talent had become sadly eroded. Balester may be more of the same, but the Tigers don’t know that yet, so they can still look at him with potentialicious optimism.

The only thing I DON’T like is the FredFred angle. Without his companion donkey, I worry that he’ll get himself in a rut again– mechanical, psychological, whatever– and won’t be able to haul himself out of it because he is alone without his Ryan Perry, all alone in the world and the American League. Don’t underestimate the power of the companion donkey.

Alas, if only the companion donkey could have maintained an ERA under 5.00.

~@~never 4get~@~

downed by Diamondbacks

illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

First, and most importantly: VOTE AVILA. We are nearing the end! Voting finishes up this coming Thursday! This is your last weekend to sit in front of the computer making throwaway email address after email address, voting for Alex Avila over and over again, as if it is your only function in life. There can be no finer possible use of your time.

Now, the actual game…

Kirk Gibson will eat your face, but only after he has punched it enough to tenderize it.

I don’t know, obviously this was not a good game. There aren’t any articles containing quotes up yet, but according to a bunch of Tigers writers on The Twitters Phil Coke was all depressed after the game, saying he was ashamed of his performance and so on. You know how Phil Coke gets after a bad start. We can only hope that someone stopped his spiral of depression and self-recrimination by giving him a hug and telling him that it will all be ok.

Of course there was an error in there contributing to the Diamondback comeback, and of course it was a Ryan Raburn error. I will not comment further on that.

Ryan Perry and Brandon Inge are both back with the team (Adam Wilk and Danny Worth sent down respectively). Brandon was 1-for-4 tonight with a single, which is, you know, whatever. But Perry! (deep breath)

He went 2.1 innings, allowed 1 hit and 1 walk, and struck out two. If you didn’t see this game, you’re thinking, Hey, that’s great! Well, I hate to dump sewage on your cornflakes, but it was not great. He inherited two runners from Phil Coke, and he let one score on his watch, so even though the box score says he didn’t give up any runs, he actually kind of DID. Also, more egregiously, he NEARLY INJURED ALEX AVILA.

It was a wild pitch that bounced in the dirt behind home plate. The ball appeared to ricochet off of Avila, bouncing far enough to bring the tying run home. Terrible. Avila popped up in pursuit right away, so at first it seemed like it had maybe hit padding, but after the play was over he squatted down all curled up around his wrist, and Kevin Rand had to come running out, and it was clear that there was a whole lot of pain involved. They spent a long time flexing Avila’s hand and testing his grip and so on. The camera had a good angle on all of this so we got to see Avila grimacing dramatically.

In that terrible moment I swore that if Ryan Perry had injured Alex Avila, I was going to do SOME SORT OF THING.

Avila ended up staying in the game. He looked a little tender fielding the next pitch, but after that he seemed ok. They had a quick shot of him in the dugout with the trainer after the inning, where it looked like he was getting Advil or somesuch. He had two more at-bats after the beaning and flew out in both of them, but at least he was making contact. He’ll be ok, because if he is not ok Ryan Perry is going to be attacked by a mob of kittens with razor sharp milkteeth and infuriatingly prickly needleclaws.

The big blow was a Wily Mo Pena home run that traveled about five thousand feet. This IS what Wily Mo Pena does, but it had been a long time since I had seen it in action, so it was rather startling. The official distance was 454 feet, the third longest home run in Comerica Park history.

I decided to take a look in my archives and see if I had any photos of Wily Mo Pena from his days in Boston, and came up with this:

photo by Samara Pearlstein


the Alaskan Assassin and other such cartoons

illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Apparently Daniel Schlereth, who was born in Anchorage, wishes to be known as The Alaskan Assassin. True fact (thank you, Mr. Beck). Who am I to deny Daniel Schlereth? So here he is, attired for Alaskan climes, with his sidekick seal and a knife for assassinatin’ folks.

Of course everyone already knows about Papa Grande/the Big Potato. Brayan Villarreal says that he has been calling Al Alburquerque ‘Avatar’; Jason Beck says like the movie, but I don’t really get what he has to do with the movie… it doesn’t matter anyways since I’m just going to keep calling him AlAl. Brad Thomas does not get a nickname because everyone has been content to simply make fun of his accent, which is stupid because his accent is awesome. Still! There are other worthy nicknames in the bullpen!

Villarreal is Zorro. The explanation given for this was “the hair”, even though I thought Zorro didn’t have particularly long hair, he just had that pencilly mustache thing. But… I mean… whatever.

Ryan Perry is Cyclops, because of his recent eyeball-related DL stint. Before that he was apparently called Agent P, and also the Platypus, for reasons completely unknown to me until I googled it and discovered Perry the Platypus. This is sort of amazing and as soon as the eyeball thing has faded from the forefront of our collective memory a little bit I am going to start drawing Ryan Perry as a platypus at all times.

Magglio Ordonez’s bat has been waking up a little. Thank cats.

Joel Zumaya is having exploratory surgery. He is probably done for the season (as if anyone expected otherwise?), he is possibly done forever. At least with the Tigers. Everything is very dire and sad and filled with wistful what-ifs and coulda-beens. If you own Guitar Hero, take your controller outside and burn it as a fitting memorial.

You may notice that Zoom is in civvies here. I just can’t reasonably draw him in a Tigers uniform anymore.

Paws had a birthday! He turned 16 years old, and is now legally able to drive, but he still cannot partake of celebratory champagne (if the Tigers ever start playing consistently and skillfully enough to deserve such things).

There is no real reason for this last, but Brandon Inge has been playing some cruddy baseball lately and I am angry with him, so he gets tattoonsulted. Also, have the rest of you noticed that we’re over a month into the season, and the goatee is still absent? I’m going to keep drawing him with it, though, so as to not upset the balance of the world.

the creature in the lineup

illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

No, I am not talking about Don Kelly. I’m talking about that moment however many games ago, when Rod Allen referred to Miguel Cabrera and Brennan Boesch together in the lineup as a “two-headed beast”. From the moment those words were uttered, this cartoon became inevitable.

Miggy is currently batting .333 and OPSing 1.079. Brennan is batting .333 and OPSing .906. Beastly.

Other stuff that’s been happening

–Ryan Perry is back. He appears to have two functioning eyeballs, although really if they replaced one with a glass model, or perhaps a cybernetic robot eye, I don’t think I would be able to tell even on an HD broadcast. So we might be making some assumptions here. In any event, Perry is on the roster, and Enrique Gonzalez was sent down to make room for him. Papa Grande lost his shopping-for-the-rookies buddy.

–I found this note to myself in my email account, but I have no idea where it came from. Probably the Tuesday game?

“The only time anyone calls me Phillip is my mother when I’ve done something wrong.” -Phil Coke, via Mario

–Don Kelly batting third, Ryan Raburn getting regular playing time at second base. Why is this happening to us?

–Raburn became the first person ever to hit the roof of Safeco Field in Seattle with a popup. This seems kind of unbelievable but I have no way to fact-check it so I suppose we’ll all just have to believe the Man when he tells us that this is so. Regardless, it was fun when it happened because the ball changed directions when it hit the roof, and we all got to see Chone Figgins run around like a crazy person in pursuit.

–There was some ‘news’ on Joel Zumaya, but it basically amounted to “yeah, he’s still injured, but we are sharing with him the quiet delusion that he can return at some point and pitch in the Majors without his arm exploding. Shhh. Shhh. He wants to believe.”

–Victor Martinez is on the DL with strained groin-bits. He tried to play through them but it was extremely clear that sheer willpower alone was not going to be enough; he could barely move around on the field, and even a DH has to be able to stagger semi-competently around the bases. Omir Santos is up to take his place so we will hopefully never ever need to see Don Kelly, emergency backup catcher, wearing the gear.

MORE IMPORTANTLY. We were informed that Victor Martinez plays the accordion. In fact he played Happy Birthday on his accordion to Miguel Cabrera.

I repeat: VICTOR MARTINEZ PLAYS THE ACCORDION. He owns an accordion. We have a baseball player on the Detroit Tigers who plays the accordion. A-C-C-O-R-D-I-O-N. The fact that there are no photos of this yet is a tragedy of a scope that cannot be comprehended, but until such time as the universe/team photographers see fit to bless us with photographic evidence of Victor Martinez playing the accordion, you’ll have to make do with a Terrible Cartoon.

Ryan Perry hits the DL with an infected eye.

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

This was my very first thought when I heard the news.

I could have sworn the Mothership article initially didn’t specify which eye was infected, so I just put the eyepatch wherever, but now it says that the problematic eyeball is Perry’s left, so the cartoon is wrong. Ugh. Whatever.

It doesn’t sound like his eye is about to fall out or anything, but he wears contact lenses and he can’t put them in while his eye is oozing pain and sickness all over the place. He apparently can’t wear glasses/wicked cool pitching goggles because they don’t work for him as well as contacts do… because… uh, astigmatism? I’m not sure how that works but Kevin Rand said it, so I guess we have to trust it.

He also has a ‘corneal abrasion’ on the same eye. DON’T RUB AT IT, KIDS.

This is all (hopefully) just a matter of letting the infection and itchy bits clear up to the point where Perry can see ok and safely put in his contacts again. Robbie Weinhardt is up to take his roster spot, at least for the time being. The bullpen has been so cringe-worthy lately, though… if Mr. Weinhardt can scrape together a couple effective innings, he might stick around even after Perry regains full binocular vision.

Max Scherzer pitches like a baseball god, gets nothing.

insert ‘Maxwell’s silver hammer’ joke here

So I was going to write a whole bunch of angry things about Ryan Perry, and how he RUINED EVERYTHING, and how he did this AWFUL UNSPEAKABLE THING to Max Scherzer, and really we are talking MASSIVE RUINATION here, but I figure he probably doesn’t need me to tell him about that, you know? I am sure he feels pretty terrible right now all on his own. He has to know that he screwed up (against division rivals) (twice, in two nights) (part of this is your fault, Jim Leyland). What good does it do for me to add to the pile?

Let us speak instead of MAXWELL M. SCHERZER.

(Anyone know what the ‘M’ stands for?)

A VERITABLE FEAST OF PITCHING WONDERS. Scherzer went the full 9 innings. He allowed a total of four hits, only one of which went for extra bases (a Delmon Young double). He only gave up one walk. He only gave up one run. He struck out nine. It only took him 106 pitches to accomplish all of this.

It was a fantastic outing. It was the kind of outing that makes the fans swoon, definitely another love-letter-worthy game. It was, in fact, the kind of outing that we like to imagine Justin Verlander might still have if he could just remember how to reign in his pitch counts.

Liriano was basically just as good (five hits, one walk, seven Ks, no runs over 7 innings), but not quite as efficient (104 pitches through 7). And by the time Scherzer’s day was done, that one run didn’t make much difference, because Jhonny Peralta had made some scoring happen and Scherzer was guaranteed a no-decision at the absolute least.

He got the very least.

Sigh. Poor Maxwell. He deserved something better. Pitching like that, he really, REALLY deserved something more. But it was not to be. Partly this is the fault of the bats, and partly it is the fault of Ryan Perry, but we are not talking about that. Only Scherzer. Our wonderful and wonderfully screwed Max Scherzer.

In any event, this is what I feel about the Twinkies after these past two games:

Let’s not think about the Wrong Sox. Have YOU voted for Miguel Cabrera yet today?

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

If for some strange reason you have NOT yet voted a bunch of times for Miguel Cabrera, you should get right on that. It is probably the most important task you will undertake today, you don’t want to risk it falling through the cracks. Vote vote vote!

As for the game, I didn’t actually see most of it, but I didn’t really need to, now did I? I can picture it just fine. The early lull, drawing us into complacency. The gentle hope revolving around FredFred on the mound. The pleased celebration when Brennan Boesch (whom I have been writing in on all my All Star ballots, for the record) goes yard.

The slow, growing horror as it all falls apart in the 4th, only to repeat itself in the 8th. The smug awfulness of Wrong Sox fans. Magglio Ordonez’s oblique laughing from the dugout.

Yes, I can picture it all perfectly. But, you know, I don’t really WANT to picture that. So let’s all instead just imagine Miguel Cabrera and Austin Jackson frolicking about Angel Stadium in 2010 All Star Game jerseys. Group visualization time!

ETA: Ryan Perry has been placed on the DL. He has “a mild impingement around the back of his rotator cuff and some mild tendinitis around his biceps.” Impingement can result from inflammation/tendonitis too, so all his arm pain may be related. Or maybe something’s torn! Ha ha, who can say?! It’s all just a big hilarious mystery of pain and terribleness! Whee!

Enrique Gonzalez has been called up to take his spot in the bullpen. Apparently he has been starting for Toledo.

Now if only we could figure out what’s wrong with FredFred…

this post brought to you by happy coincidences and the letter P

I haven’t been able to see any games lately, and I am so pro-Dontrelle that I can’t really say anything about the rotation-fight situation and sound sane. But this happened and it is clearly very important that you all know about it.

A few days ago, in a little pack of random baseball cards, I got this:

which, naturally, set off a reaction like this:

and then, a day later, Jason Beck tosses up a story about Porcello and Perry being BFFs.

[Porcello said,] “It’s easier to go through a new experience with someone else there going through the same thing than it is to go through it by yourself. When either one of us was struggling, you have a friend there, somebody to talk to.”

It’s not just that their age and playing levels make them a match. Their personalities complement each other almost perfectly.

“We definitely get along very well,” Perry said. “He’s definitely more low-key. I’m kind of more out-there.”

“Maybe that’s why we get along so well,” Porcello said. “I don’t want to say we’re exact opposites.”

Said Perry: “We definitely complement each other well. We’ve never had an issue with each other, and we’ve lived with each other for the last year or so.”
Jason Beck/


demise via Wrong Sox

lulz by Samara Pearlstein

I dislike having to use this image again, I really do. I hate the fact that CERTAIN PEOPLE need to be reminded about this. I hate the fact that they allow these atrocities to continue. You know who you are. *cough*Tigers*cough*

Mark Buehrle… I don’t know, I don’t want to talk about it. We can talk about whatever it is that Bobby Jenks is growing on his face these days, though, because seriously: what is that? It’s like a puffy goatee, extending way past the end of his chin, that has been bleached as close to pure white as he can get it (this, only more so, because it’s grown longer since that shot was taken). Does he really think it looks good? Has someone been telling him it makes him look hot, as some sort of cruel practical joke? I am at a loss. It defies comprehension.

Positives… positives… um. Hmm. Two hitless, scoreless innings from Ryan Perry, that is a good thing to see. Yes, they were mostly pointless innings, but a good showing in even a zero-pressure situation can be a big deal to a kitten at this tender age. The Wrong Sox beat up on Armando early, but Ryan Perry scoffed at their bats and sent them packing. He should feel good about himself.

That is a positive thing that came from this game! See, I am totally not reaching at all.

If you want a second positive thing… ummmmm…. Polanco had a couple of hits, including the double that broke up Buehrle’s perfect game? Thus were the Tigers spared potentially crippling embarrassment. Well done, Placido, well done.

After the first inning, which was really bad (really, really bad), Armando settled down enough to make it through six innings and showed great mental fortitude?

Yeah, I got nothin’ else. Sorry.

Friday night’s matchup will be Justin Verlander vs. Cliff Lee. Did you know that Cliff Lee’s full name is Clifton Phifer Lee? I did not know that. I thought he was a Clifford.

Rick Porcello and Ryan Perry in the arms of Paws

Sketchbook. That’s what you get on offdays.