Category Archives: Tata

Jordan Tata breaks his hand the stupid way

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Oh man, you know who I did NOT want to see in Spring Training? Huh? Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint: he’s orange, he makes his nests out of energy drink cans and discarded slinkies, and I don’t even have the patience for hinting right now so HE’S THE SPAZZOSAURUS.

But no, we have to meet up with the Spazzosaurus before it’s even FREAKING APRIL because Jordan Tata is a gigantic pile of IDIOCY and pathetically raging male hormones and went and BROKE HIS HAND PUNCHING A DOOR.

WAY TO BE THE NEW KYLE FARNSWORTH, TATA.

The Spazzosaurus is having a frelling FEAST on this one, because Tata’s injury is 100% spazz-out. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t an in-game injury. It wasn’t even like he got in a fight with someone else. He got pissed off because he’s been having a lousy spring, and he punched a door. Because the way to improve a lousy spring is to punch inanimate objects. Why couldn’t he have just THROWN SOMETHING FOR CATS’ SAKES?

Yeah, it’s his pitching hand. Of course it’s his pitching hand! WHY THE HELL WOULDN’T IT BE HIS PITCHING HAND, YOU KNOW, TO MAKE SURE THIS IS AS ASININE AN INJURY AS POSSIBLE.

Last I heard the estimate was about 6 weeks. Oh, and he said his shoulder was hurting him, which is why his pitching had been sucking raccoon nuts before this. Maybe putting him on forced rest for 6 weeks will benefit his shoulder in the long run. Probably not, though. With our luck he’ll come back in 6 weeks and his shoulder will need another month to get back up to playing ability, or the pain will be an infestation of parasitic worms that have taken up residence under his shoulderblade and will have eaten away most of his shoulder tendons before the team doctors find them.

The only people who can feel good about this are the Spazzosaurus and Joel Zumaya. The Spazzosaurus is obvious. Zoom can feel good because he’s no longer the most irritatingly irresponsible Tiger on the team.

Florida Southern goes down; blogger gloats.

photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Well, not really. OK, a little bit. C’mon! The Tigers beat Florida Southern (the Moccasins, hence the image up top) on Tuesday 17-4, which is a veritable THRASHING. Of course the exhibition games are always lose-lose for the pro teams. If you win, yippee, you beat a poor little college team; if you lose, you are completely and utterly embarrassed because you lost to a college team. So even a 17-4 victory shouldn’t seem like much to the Tigers.

But!

The University of Michigan Wolverines TIED the New York Mets, 4-4. AND the Mets only tied it up at the very end of the game, on a controversial home run. The ball hit above the yellow line, and was called a homer, despite the fact that an over-the-line-but-not-outta-the-park ball hit by a Wolverine earlier in the same game was NOT called a homer, and resulted in a triple. I mean, yeah, OK, he came around to score, but it took another out to get him there. CONSPIRACY!

The point is obviously that college teams CAN compete against the third-stringers and minor leaguers invited to big league spring training, so Florida Southern gets no passes from Roar of the Tigers. Legit Tigers win! Legit Tigers win!

One little worrying snag: all 4 Moccasin runs came off of Jordan Tata. Now, it’s early, everyone is still warming up, nobody expects the pitchers to be in anything like top form just yet, etc. etc. Todd Jones, who started the game (bloody WEIRD, that), did just fine, but he’s also something like 243 years older than Tata and thus has 226 more years’ experience getting himself warmed up come spring.

I’m not concerned. I’m just saying that if Dontrelle doesn’t work out, and Bondo’s still convinced that first innings are hiding under his bed at night, and Kenny Rogers undergoes spontaneous decomposition, and Nate’s just not very good… well, we’re going to need a Rick Porcello/Virgil Vasquez/Jordan Tata-type kid to step up and save the rotation. The Tigers have shown time and time again that they’re willing to let young guys develop at the major league level if they think there’s the slightest chance it will help the team. The kittens must be ready.

On a related side note, can you imagine how insane/awesome it’d be if in a couple of seasons our veteran presences in the starting rotation, aside from Nate, will be Jeremy Bonderman and Justin Verlander? I’m getting anticipatory giggles just thinking about it.

an open letter to Jordan Tata


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Dear Jordan Tata,

Thank you so much for pitching so well tonight. It really means a lot to us, and by “us” I mean the team, the fans, and everyone who dislikes the Cleveland Racist Logos.

I’m sure you know that things have been pretty cruddy around here lately. Or maybe you didn’t? I don’t know how much news from the “outside world” you get in the wilderness of Toledo. But if you hadn’t heard, things were getting rough for the Tigers. There had been many, many losses, one after the other, and everyone was a mess. Especially the pitchers, both the starting and bullpen varieties.

Depression was beginning to set in. Fans all over Detroit and beyond were fearful, and fear makes fans sad. It also makes them crazy. People began to wildly and irresponsibly speculate about trades that HAD TO BE MADE OMG OR WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. People began to stalk the movements of Dave Dombrowski. People began to hallucinate and believe that they were seeing large orange dinosaur-like creatures gnawing on the pitchers.

Then Kenny Rogers went and admitted that his elbow was a hot mess, and we all started to feel, if possible, even WORSE.

Ah! But then YOU came along: our ridiculously tall, gloriously sideburned savior. Sure, it’s just one start, and it’s just one game, and last time we won a game and seemed like we were about to crawl up out of the muck, we sank right back into it, but! You are still our hero for the night, because HOLY FREAKIN’ CATS did we need that win.

And of course you, in your very first start at the major league level, getting your very first win! It’s so adorable, we just want to pinch your little tiger cub cheeks. Assuming we can reach that high.

When you got pied in the face after the game by Todd Jones, that was just the sort of thing we needed to see around here to perk our dolorous little souls right back up. Except it wasn’t really a pie so much as it was a towel filled with shaving cream. Which, you know, is obviously a testament to Todd Jones’ ingenuity and improvisational skills, which ALSO makes us feel a lot better about the team.

So thanks again, Jordan Tata. Thanks for calling us all back from the brink, even if it’s only temporary. We really, really, really, REALLY needed that.

Much love,
Roar of the Tigers

Maroth has trouble containing Angel balls, and a critique of Tiger art (!!!)


photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Eh. That about sums it up. Not the worst control I’ve seen Maroth have, and his Exceptional Mental Makeup will doubtless be fine even following his first loss of the season; it wouldn’t be so Exceptional if he were easily rattled. The Rally Monkey Angels just hit him well, and when they hit him it went out of the park. Boom. Ball, meet bat. Ball, get little feathery angel wings. Mike Maroth, get sad frowny face.

He WAS just sick with the flu (or at least those ubiquitous “flu-like symptoms” that dog baseball clubhouses all year long), and hadn’t been eating because his poor stomach does not have the same Exceptional Makeup and toughness that his mind has. I guess he could have been a little weak today, which might have led to him leaving the ball up a little, which might have led to Angel homers. I’m sure he wouldn’t venture to use it as an excuse, but eh, there it is.

As for the Tiger bats… the Rally Monkeys played sick defense. What can you say? Some of those balls would have been hits on another night.

Really the worst part of this game was having to watch them suddenly come to life in the 9th inning, giving us all hope… that insane, swooping hope you get when it seems like the highly improbable is about to happen right before your baseball-loving eyes, and then…. it doesn’t. That was a little agonizing.

Ehhhhhh. I can’t even get too fired up about this loss. I just want to see Bondo come back, which he should do for his next scheduled start (that’s Thursday, mind you). Tomorrow is Colon/Durbin, which, aside from being a matchup wildly in the Rally Monkeys’ favor, has the potential to lead to some EXCELLENT headline generation. So you know there’s stuff to look forward to.
NOW THE IMPORTANT BUSINESS!

National Doodle Day is a fundraiser to raise money for “education, advocacy… and research” about neurofibromatosis. The idea is that they get celebrities (of varying levels of fame) to make little doodles, which they then auction off to raise money.

I point this out here because they had 3 Tigers submit doodles, and OBVIOUSLY WE MUST REGARD THEM CLOSELY. The images link to the eBay auctions for each doodle, where you can see them larger.

First up, Sean Casey.

[IMAGE]
It kind of looks like he just signed his name over and over again in differing levels of sloppiness. I think I see a “Mayor” thrown in there too. There’s also a… I hesitate to call it a person, since the limbs appear to be sausages, but there’s a FIGURE in there anyhow. Maybe it’s a self-portrait. In which case we can only tell the Mayor that his ears really aren’t that big, he doesn’t have to feel so bad about them.

Next! Ernie Harwell!!

[IMAGE]
Nice and simple. His handwriting is good. The baseball is recognizeable. He could have gotten a little crazier with it, I think… after all, it’s National Doodle Day, not National Design a Greeting Card Day, and in this sense the Mayor has him beat. But it’s Ernie Harwell, so that’s at least 50 awesomeness points right there.

My personal favorite of the bunch (when it comes to doodles, anyhow), Jordan Tata.

[IMAGE]
This one you’ve GOT to see large. He actually. Drew. A mudhen. WADING THROUGH A MARSH. Wearing a baseball hat. HE SPENT TIME CAREFULLY RENDERING THE TEXT LOGO OF THE TEAM. This is an amazing piece of doodlework and my estimation of Jordan Tata is at least doubled by it. He obviously spent some time and thought on it. HE DREW A MUDHEN. I may never get over this.

in the spring, tiger cubs may begin to display playful aggressive behavior


Jordan Tata, both photos by Roger DeWitt

It still is far, far away from spring here in Michigan, but down in Lakeland the season has started to rear its wobbly little naked baby head. Some of the Tigers, eager little buggers that they are, have reported early.

*insert happy little “eeeee!” noise here*

And here we have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE! Visual proof that while we shiver abjectly in our underheated studios (or maybe that is just me, thank you University of Michigan art school), there are big baseball men running around in shorts and sunshine. All is not lost in the deep freeze of February! See? SEE??!!

For this, we have Roger to thank. Many of you may know Roger, or “hueytaxi”, from the MotownSports messageboard. He’s a denizen of the Lakeland area and he is all kinds of ace for sharing these images, these HAPPY, TIGERFUL IMAGES with us.


Craig Dingman and Jeremy Bonderman, photo by Roger DeWitt

These photos, the ones I’ve got up here, are particularly interesting for a few reasons. The one right here is fun because it shows Bondo huffing and puffing and HOPEFULLY getting some sort of tan, because he’s translucently white, to the point where I’m slightly concerned he won’t survive a season of exposure to even weak sunlight without some kind of protective pigmentation. And running along next to him? CRAIG DINGMAN.

CRAIG DINGMAN IS ALIIIIIIIVE!

I really hope he kicks rear and makes the team, because, wow. A comeback from arterial bypass surgery in his shoulder? A surgery that involves taking part of another blood vessel (I’m not sure if they used an artery or a vein, although I’m inclined to say vein… and I can’t be the only one consistently annoyed by the lack of medical specificity available in sports news reports, right?) from his leg, and grafting it into the damaged part of his shoulder? HOLY FREAKING CATS. How WICKED would that be?
Of course, there’s the downside that involves every announcer spending the whole season mentioning this Amazing Comeback if/whenever Dinger comes in to pitch, but that’s a price I’m more or less willing to pay.

The photo up top there is just amusing because it’s Jordan Tata being a cheeky fellow. I am not at all down with the blatant and unnecessary use of different fonts for the front and the back, but the message is, I believe, one we can all get behind.

And isn’t it NICE to think that this is a statement that most teams, nowadays, won’t actually laugh out loud at? After 2003, someone wearing a shirt like this would be jeered out of existence, or else carefully ignored out of a sense of deep pity. Today, no, perfectly normal sentiments for a young whippet like Tata!

I think it’s about 7 days ’til pitchers and catchers officially report. The vast, pathetically excited anticipation continues.

edit: Also, good thoughts going out to Big Al of The Wayne Fontes Experience, a genuinely hilarious bloggin’ dude who’s got some unfortunate stuff going on right now.