photo illustration by Samara Pearlstein
Oh man, you know who I did NOT want to see in Spring Training? Huh? Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint: he’s orange, he makes his nests out of energy drink cans and discarded slinkies, and I don’t even have the patience for hinting right now so HE’S THE SPAZZOSAURUS.
But no, we have to meet up with the Spazzosaurus before it’s even FREAKING APRIL because Jordan Tata is a gigantic pile of IDIOCY and pathetically raging male hormones and went and BROKE HIS HAND PUNCHING A DOOR.
WAY TO BE THE NEW KYLE FARNSWORTH, TATA.
The Spazzosaurus is having a frelling FEAST on this one, because Tata’s injury is 100% spazz-out. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t an in-game injury. It wasn’t even like he got in a fight with someone else. He got pissed off because he’s been having a lousy spring, and he punched a door. Because the way to improve a lousy spring is to punch inanimate objects. Why couldn’t he have just THROWN SOMETHING FOR CATS’ SAKES?
Yeah, it’s his pitching hand. Of course it’s his pitching hand! WHY THE HELL WOULDN’T IT BE HIS PITCHING HAND, YOU KNOW, TO MAKE SURE THIS IS AS ASININE AN INJURY AS POSSIBLE.
Last I heard the estimate was about 6 weeks. Oh, and he said his shoulder was hurting him, which is why his pitching had been sucking raccoon nuts before this. Maybe putting him on forced rest for 6 weeks will benefit his shoulder in the long run. Probably not, though. With our luck he’ll come back in 6 weeks and his shoulder will need another month to get back up to playing ability, or the pain will be an infestation of parasitic worms that have taken up residence under his shoulderblade and will have eaten away most of his shoulder tendons before the team doctors find them.
The only people who can feel good about this are the Spazzosaurus and Joel Zumaya. The Spazzosaurus is obvious. Zoom can feel good because he’s no longer the most irritatingly irresponsible Tiger on the team.