Category Archives: Terrible Cartoons

Your Detroit Tigers 2015 Season Preview: Part I

It has been a winter of suffering. A winter of bitter cold. A winter of more snow than this tender land has seen in the age of recorded snow totals, if you live with me in the greater Boston area. A winter of no baseball, the same as every winter, because every year we must go through a time of horrible void and dumb fast indoor sports on TV in order to properly rekindle our appreciation for the noblest slow game that makes a modicum of sense and therefore isn’t cricket.

But now it is March! The players we know and love are in Florida cavorting with the players we know and hate, and forgetting the names of players we might eventually come to know if they get called up at some point. Wealthy young men are parking their excessive cars near a field of play. There is probably a fragrant breeze blowing through palm fronds or something, I don’t know, I still dwell in a landscape dominated by enormous filthy piles of road snow. We are mere weeks away from the beginning of a new baseball year.

What will 2015 bring? I think we can hazard some decent guesses.

–David Price is tapped to pitch the Tigers’ opener. Justin Verlander is extremely sad, until an emissary is sent to cheer him up.


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

–Miguel Cabrera has a slow start to the season, as he is healthy enough to be on the Opening Day roster, but is still working his way back from his injuries. Rival pitchers begin to feel overconfident and stop pitching to him as cautiously as they have in years past. Miggy takes advantage of this collective moment of weakness at the peak of his recovery and has a monster middle of the year, a middle of the year the likes of which Major League Baseball has never seen before. He leads the league in slugging percentage by a wide margin in July. He is intentionally walked a record number of times in August.

–Alex Avila suffers 12 concussions over the course of the season, declares the year a massive improvement.

–Joba Chamberlain punches a cooler in the dugout, inexplicably begins pitching better after.

–Al Alburquerque is recognized for his contributions to visual culture with a gallery exhibition of his Instagram photos.

–Victor Martinez injures both knees again, has radical new surgery in Germany, becomes first MLB player with robot legs, touching off a whole new class of debate about performance enhancement. Little Victor learns how to say ‘transhumanism’.

Part II coming soon!

Meanwhile, as the Tigers report to Spring Training…






illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Some ValenTigers for you.


illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

Happy mid-February, everyone! What better time to proclaim one’s love for another? Here are some Tigers to share their feelings with you, their best beloved Tigers fan.

Meanwhile, here in Boston, there is no love, only a cold, frozen wasteland of snow and aloneness.

May the Tigers bring you greater warmth!

time to go a-caravaning

illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

It’s time for the Winter Caravan, that annual collection of randomly delightful Tigers appearances in the cold and the snow and the dead of Michigan winter. I, with my Massachusetts location, will not be able to attend, but maybe you will? There are many wonderful options to choose from, such as

Rajai Davis at the Frankenmuth Snowfest, doing snow things, or

Nick Castellanos serving you Buffalo Wild Wings, which I know is your true wildest dream, or

Ian Kinsler posing seductively with cars at the North American International Car Show,

or any other number of magical things that will be happening with Tigers in and around them. Hospitals! Rotary Clubs! MudHens! Hockeytown! A police crime lab (??)! The US Customs and Border Protection Agency (??????)! Something at Oakland University that will be taking place on North Squirrel Road! Just what you need to warm up your winter.

Also, we now know how the Max Scherzer situation panned out.

So I suppose that is that. So long, dear friend. We will miss your spot in the rotation and your goofy good nature and most of all your beautiful, extremely cartooning-friendly eyes.

The hunt continues.











illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

BUT HOW WILL IT END??

And so.

beware the pit


illustration by Samara Pearlstein

If that horrible bundle of creatures deep in the bowels of the earth there is the rest of the AL Central, I think we can call this a mostly accurate view of the Tigers right now.

Hang on, Paws! Hang on!