screaming tiger by Samara Pearlstein
There is a rumor going around saying that the Tigers are shopping Edwin Jackson and Curtis Granderson.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Just go ahead and try to read this without vomiting and/or bursting into tears:
In a cost-cutting frame of mind, the Tigers have let teams now [sic] that Curtis Granderson could be had for the right package, an NL executive told The Post.
Granderson would be attractive to many teams, with the Yankees near the top of the list.
Every time I try to type out how this little blurb makes me feel, I end up just mashing my hands repeatedly on the keyboard while screaming and twitching. asl;dfkjhas;ldkfjasl;dkfjas;dlfkjas;ldfkj. aAalkjasdflikuhoiqwefih;ashv98yq9283rydf, I say. This is, basically, NOT OK. It is possibly the LEAST OK thing I can think of right now when it comes to the Tigers. Holy FREAKIN’ cats, I know it’s the Post and the grain of salt we should take this with is therefore more like a hearty salt boulder, but even the MEREST, SLIGHTEST HINT OF A THOUGHT of this happening is derailing my brain. Screeeeeeech, thud, brain splattered all over the tracks.
Curtis Granderson stays. Period. End of sentence. END OF SPECULATION ABOUT SOMETHING SO HORRIFIC AS THE DEPARTURE OF CURTIS GRANDERSON FROM THIS DETROIT TIGERS TEAM. I hate to get fuzzy on you here, but he is really the heart and soul of the squad, he is one of the most popular guys on the team with the fans (if not THE most popular), he is amazing for the community and for baseball and HE IS A DETROIT TIGER, HE STAYS. HE DOES NOT LEAVE. IT IS NOT ALLOWED.
MR. DOMBROWSKI. I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR YOU, GENERALLY. AND I KNOW THAT THE ECONOMY IS CRUDCATS RIGHT NOW, ESPECIALLY IN DETROIT. BUT YOU ARE NOT WITH THE MARLINS ANYMORE, please do not manage this team all Firesale-in-Florida style. I am begging you. As a blogger who wishes to exit this offseason with at least one strand of sanity left intact, I am begging you to let this rumor remain a rumor and never even sniff the gamy hindquarters of reality.
After that, the Jackson trade rumors seem downright mundane, although they are truly hilarious and absurd. I mean, think about it. The Tigers had soooooooo much extra starting pitching this past season! They can totally spare a dude or two! They practically had starting pitchers coming out of Paws’ ears by the end there, right?
Oh wait, what’s that you say? You say that the Tigers were so strapped for pitching that they spent most of the latter half of the year trying to limp by with three starters instead of the customary five? Ahhhh, so it was. Can’t believe I forgot. Must have blocked all those horrible memories out as a defense mechanism for my poor, suffering brain.
If the Tigers trade Jackson, that amounts to them saying, “You want to see baseball in Michigan this season? Perhaps you should start following the Big 10.”
Now (as I take a blog-version deep breath), these are rumors. Probably nothing will come of them. Probably. Because if something were to come of them… well, that would be crazy and wrong. You know, I know, Paws knows it. Right? Just making sure we’re all on the same page here.