Happy Birthday, Nate!

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

On Thursday Nate Robertson turned 32 years old. His facial hair is as magnificently abundant as ever, his goggles still clear, his jaws still powerful enough to masticate an oversized lump of gum should he so choose, his pitching… not too shabby, as it turns out. This is a New and Improved Nate that we’ve been seeing lately. I would say something about how we’ll have to wait and see if it sticks, but it’s his birthday, so we’ll all be nice.

Because the Tigers had to go all the way to extra innings to win the game, Nate did not get a big W on his birthday, even though he pitched six ~*~scoreless~*~ innings and the Tigers were leading when he left the game.

Placido Polanco gave him a little bit of a present by hitting the always majestic Walkoff Sac Fly, but I expect this was negated by the ANTI-PRESENT given to Nate by Fu-Te Ni (who had an unusual amount of struggles and I still love you, Ni! I still love you!). Nate gave himself a present, in a way, by pitching so well, but he shouldn’t have to give himself presents on his birthday! Wasn’t it enough that they asked him to make a start when by rights he should have been stuffing his face with delicious cakes in the clubhouse all day long? Wasn’t that enough?!

I have decided to create a list of things the Tigers could get for Nate to make up for all this. The Tigers should feel free to consult the list as needed. I’m sure Nate won’t mind if his presents are a day or two late.

Presents the Tigers Should Get Nate Because Even Though They Won They Did Not Get Him An Actual Win of His Own For the Start He Had to Pitch on His Own Birthday

–a very large sack of Big League Chew, tied up with a fancy bow

–a Wichita State shirt with a logo making some obscene joke about the Shockers

–Spazzosaurus repellent

–a pack of cleaning wipes for his goggles

–a signed Mike Maroth baseball card

—One Thousand Beards

–one of those orange foam Tiger claw things, those are wicked

–delicious cakes

—this hat

–a remote control airplane that’s cooler than Brandon Lyon’s

–a coupon book containing coupons for things like “one free noogie of an infielder” and “ten minutes alone with the postgame spread before everyone else gets to it”

–Jim Leyland’s Complete Guide to the Growth and Care of Your Mustache

welcome back Nate! and other bits from the weekend

photo by Samara Pearlstein

This past Saturday, Nate Robertson returned from the dead, looking more like a reasonably well-preserved human being than a mothily decaying corpse. So I have been told, anyways. This was supposed to be the FOX afternoon game but instead FOX was showing the Kennedy funeral, or wake, or memorial service, or whatever the hell it was. Did that happen in Detroit also, or was it just in Massachusetts because Massachusetts is insane when it comes to Kennedys?

Nate gave up two runs in four innings, but only one of those runs was earned. He gave up four hits, none of which went for extra bases. He threw 70 pitches, which is not great, but he only walked one dude and he struck out four, so I feel OK about it.

When was the last time I was able to say that about a Nate Robertson start without all sorts of sarcastic nudges and winks? Honestly can’t remember.

The Tigers lost the game, but it wasn’t actually Nate’s fault; the bats were just shut the hell down by David Price. Actually they were shut the hell down on Sunday too, by Jeff Niemann this time. Lots of bat-shutting-down this weekend.

All that came to an end in the eighth inning, though, when Placido Polanco, of all cats, hit a three-run homer to put the Tigers in the lead. I always imagine him doing this when he hits one out, and then I imagine the pitcher lying prone on the mound because he has been struck down by his own shame over the fact that he has given up a home run to Placido Polanco, whose slugging percentage, after all, is a majestic .385. Miggy’s SLG is .565, just to give you a point of comparison.

The homer meant that the Tigers and Justin Verlander would get the win. Number 69 on the year for the Tigers, number 15 on the year for Verlander. Did he throw 100+ pitches? You don’t need me to type the answer to that question. You know the answer in your hearts.

Rosters expand on Tuesday! Get psyched, get psyched, we gonna see us some kittens.

Monday’s game is at 1:05 pm for some reason. I mean really, mid-day on a Monday? What is that, a makeup game or something? I keep opening up the schedule and looking at it because I think it’s a typo, but every time it is still there. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome is a sign of madness, isn’t it? Damn.