introducing the Spazzosaurus of the Detroit Tigers

photo illustrations by Samara Pearlstein

What, you may ask, is a Spazzosaurus?

A Spazzosaurus is a most curious beast. Although I am sure his kind afflicts many baseball teams, it is the particular species that is parasitic upon the Detroit Tigers with whom we are concerned. You may easily identify him and distinguish him from similar species based upon his coloration, which is distinctly Detroit Tigeran.

The Spazzosaurus is a secretive reptilian, which may be why you have never seen him before. It takes a special camera lens to penetrate the crafty camouflage which has protected these creatures for many millennia, and you are in luck, because Roar of the Tigers has such a camera lens (it’s called “Photoshop and deranged imagination”, and is so expensive that it’s not even available for purchase in stores).

What we have here below is an image of a Spazzosaurus in its native environment.

The first thing you may notice is his crazed expression. This is part of why he is called the Spazzosaurus. The other reason he is so named has to do with his effect on the team that he is parasitizing. You see, the Spazzosaurus feeds off of spazz-energy. If a pitcher is spazzing out on the mound and giving up runs and hits and walks and hit-batsmen, JUST FOR INSTANCE, the Spazzosaurus is there, feeding. You can see his vicious grinding teeth. And his feeding opens up more wounds through which spazz-energy can pass. This is why ballplayers often fail spectacularly and suffer what we term ‘meltdowns’.

There are some ballplayers who can make a mistake and pull themselves back together, and NOT suffer a meltdown. You may think they have some extraordinary mental fortitude, but the truth is that these ballplayers are simply more adept at fighting off the Spazzosaurus.

You may also notice that the Spazzosaurus in this image has a clutch of eggs. Spazzosaurus are not particularly attentive parents, but they tend the eggs very carefully before hatching. The eggs are colored much as the Spazzosauri themselves are. The nests are generally made of discarded Slinkys and empty energy drink cans.

Tonight the Spazzosaurus truly ate his fill. You can see him in the uppermost image, approaching Todd Jones for a large bite. Todd Jones, as we all know, is not very good at fending off a hungry Spazzosaurus. One little nibble is all it takes for him to give in, and when the Spazzosaurus starts chewing, you had better believe that Jonesy starts bleedin’ out that spazz-energy, which just makes the Spazzosaurus want more, and oh my, what a terrible cycle that is.

It wasn’t just Jonesy, though. The Spazzosaurus had a veritable feast tonight. Oh so many MELTDOWNS. So much OUT OF CONTROL INSANITY. So delicious, to a Spazzosaurus! I mean, what the HELL was that 7th inning?? Let me spell it out for you, through the eyes of a Spazzosaurus:

–Diaz is hit by a pitch. The Spazzosaurus nibbles.
–Laird doubles, Diaz to third. The Spazzosaurus is sitting and watching the spazz-energy bleed out.
–Byrdak relieves Grilli. The Spazzosaurus, crazed and drunk off of all the spazz-energy, immediately begins gnawing on Byrdak.
–Wilkerson hits a three-run homer. The Spazzosaurus feasts, gorging itself.
–Metcalf gets to first on an error by Brandon Inge (sniffle). The Spazzosaurus has grown so bold as to begin biting the infielders.
–Hairston sacrifices Metcalf to second. The Spazzosaurus burps.
–Kinsler strikes out swinging. The Spazzosaurus is busy burping and trying to digest the results of its own gluttony. To work off some of the excess, he decides to go for a trot out to the outfield.
–Young gets to THIRD on an error by Craig Monroe, scoring Metcalf. The Spazzosaurus, feeling much better once he was up and moving, began nibbling on Craig Monroe.
–Sosa hits a ground-rule double, scoring Young. The Spazzosaurus is licking his fingers.
–Byrd strikes out swinging. The Spazzosaurus settles down to digest his meal a bit.

That inning could have fed FIFTY Spazzosauri!

Of course all of this madness overshadowed a reasonably good outing in Nate Robertson’s return from his imaginary injury. He pitched 5.1 innings while only giving up one run, which is much better than anyone ELSE managed tonight. Oh, except technically De La Cruz, but since he was so Spazzosaurus-bitten last night he’s still in the Frowny Face Books.

If nothing else, Nate’s return achieved one good thing for sure: Fernando Rodney has been sent to the DL, in part to make room for Nate on the roster, and in part because Fernando Rodney is terrible at throwing a baseball. Talk about someone who’s like a big fat juicy delicious steak in the eyes of a Spazzosaurus…

edit: Wednesday’s game was cancelled by apparently apocalyptic rain, setting up a 1 pm/7pm double header on Thursday. Enjoy the Spazzosaurus in the meantime.