So Curtis Granderson was on the Martha Stewart Show.

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

I repeat: Curtis Granderson was on the Martha Stewart Show. And I watched it. I know that he isn’t ours anymore, but he’s still Curtis Granderson. Due to my very strange work schedule I was actually home while it aired, and I just… Curtis Granderson on Martha Stewart. I had to see.

Here’s how it went:

(First I had to find what channel the show was on, and then I had to find out what number that was, because I have never watched anything on that channel in my life. The ‘Hallmark channel’, really? REALLY? Apparently so. We begin!)

–Martha Stewart is a Yankees fan. She calls Granderson one of their ‘best offensive players’ and says that he is her favorite player.

–Granderson comes out, wearing a purple striped shirt. I nearly tear up. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SENT AWAY FROM US, CURTIS, WHY. They hug. WHY.

–They ‘met’ on Opening Day this year. Martha Stewart was sitting right behind the Yankee dugout, because she is such a huge freaking Yankees fan. Remember kids, when you buy Martha Stewart products, you support Yankee fans. Think about that. Anyways, he was having trouble with his batting gloves, so she called him over and fixed the velcro for him. This is a true thing that actually happened.

–While at the game she apparently tweeted a photo of him taken from her seats. Because she’s right behind the dugout and Granderson is facing the field, all you see is his back.
Martha Stewart: “I tweeted ‘nice backside’ or something, and oh, did I get in trouble.”
Granderson: “Is that why you like those seats right there?”

–“I wanted you to be on the show last year, but you had an indescribable groin injury.”

–On the subject of the Yankees not making the World Series, Granderson says that everyone either hates them and wants to watch them lose, or loves them and wants to watch them win, so when they’re out of it “everyone is like, ‘what do we do now’?”

–His mom knows that he’s on the show today. She’s got her cell phone out, her Facebook out, she’s ready.

–He’s going to go home to Chicago for Thanksgiving. They have a normal Thanksgiving meal with just family, 6 or 8 people, and then they have a second meal where all of Curtis’ buddies show up. His mom has to have two fridges, one with food for the family and one with food for all of his bottomless pit friends.

–They’re cooking macaroni and cheese. Martha Stewart is showing him how to make a crispy cheese for the topping, spreading it over this pan. Granderson says that she has to give him good instructions, because he won’t know how to do it otherwise. She says it’s easy, you just use your sil-pan.

Hilarious panic on the face of Curtis Granderson, as he tries to figure out what the hell a ‘sil-pan’ is, and if it’s outrageous for him to not know.

“Do you have a sil-pan?”
“Uhhhhhh.”

Martha Stewart declares that she will give him a sil-pan, because gifts are great. Turns out it’s just a pan with a sheet of silicone on it; in this particular case you bake the cheese on it, then can break it up easily into delicious cheesy crumbles because it’s on silicone instead of, I dunno, tinfoil or whatever. Don’t feel bad Curtis, I had no idea what it was either.

–She tells him to grate a half-cup of gruyere into a bowl. He asks how he should measure this, she tells him to eyeball it. More panic on the face of Curtis Granderson, as it is clear that he has no idea what a half-cup of grated cheese looks like when not in a cup. Again I sympathize.

–On the hitting adjustments he made this season: “It’s almost like a cooking class, when I start burning stuff I gotta change it up.”

–She adds salt. Granderson asks if they’re using regular salt or sea salt. SCORE ONE FOR CURTIS GRANDERSON IN THE KITCHEN. But Martha Stewart stone cold shoots him down by saying that actually she usually uses coarse salt/kosher salt. Granderson is crestfallen. He wanted so hard to seem knowledgeable about salt.

–“I love to eat, so we can definitely get after it right now.”

–Martha Stewart reveals that Granderson has brought everyone in the audience a Granderson shersey. Pan to the audience, everyone cheers. Are these people all Yankee fans, or just fans of the splendor that is Curtis Granderson? Because let me tell you, readers, I am definitely the latter, but I still wouldn’t wear a Yankee shersey.

–When they come back from a commercial break Martha Stewart says that she has been trying to extract information from Granderson about whether Derek Jeter is getting married or not. Granderson says that he hasn’t gotten an invitation, so he doesn’t know either way. Martha Stewart declares that “it’ll be a sad day for all us ladies.” Don’t forget your gay dude fans, Martha Stewart. The Yankee fans among them will be saddened too.

–Talking about the Grand Kids Foundation, showing a photo of Curtis Granderson with Michelle Obama.

–Now they’re making cornbread. Martha Stewart gives Granderson a bowl and a whisk, tells him to get whisking.
Granderson: “We gotta whisk. See, these terms, I just call it ‘stirring’.”
Martha Stewart: “No. That’s a whisk.”

–Martha Stewart takes a fancy dish out of the oven, where it has been warming. “I just love to bake in a decorative dish like this.” My eyes roll so hard that they fall out of my head.

–Granderson exclaims, “This is the first time I’ve ever used a dish that was already hot!” The Martha Stewart Show: it’s for learning.

–Martha Stewart tells him to scrape the cornbread batter out of the bowl and into the ~*~decorative dish~*~.
Granderson: “So we have wisp, stir, and scrape.”
Martha Stewart: “Not ‘wisp’. Whisk.”

–She tells him to pour cream into the very center of the cornbread, very slowly, so it goes right through the middle. Somehow he’s pouring it wrong, because it spreads out over the top instead of sinking in. Of course there’s a properly made display cornbread ready on the side anyways, so Martha Stewart doesn’t say anything, but you can almost see her gnashing her teeth.

–Granderson brought Martha Stewart a big lap blanket thing. It’s pinstriped and has a big number 14 on it, but the name on it is ‘Stewart’. My brain says, “Since when did Ian Stewart sign with the Yankees?” Then I realize. Then I hate myself on several different levels.

–She gives him a piece of cornbread to eat as we go to commercial, but because of the SooOperSpeSHUL creamy center, it’s falling apart and he can barely pick it up, let alone get big pieces into his mouth. He’s trying, though. This is why Curtis Granderson is so good at baseball.

–Now there are a couple non-Granderson segments. I pay little attention to them, but at one point Martha Stewart is in a restaurant with two guys (one of whom is wearing oversized hipster glasses that he has to push up every five seconds, because they keep falling off his face). A waiter brings out a truffle the size of my cat’s head, to shave it over their food. Oh my HOLY PAWS I would grab that truffle and run. GIVE IT TO ME.

–A different guest, some guy who can actually cook in his own right, says that he’s a New Yorker and a big Yankee fan, so being in the studio today with Martha Stewart and Curtis Granderson is basically the greatest thing ever. He also makes fun of Granderson for not knowing about ‘whisking’. Granderson is backstage at the time and cannot defend himself.

–Nobody mentions the sil-pan again.

–At the very end, all the guests and Martha Stewart come out. The last guest was making these oversized salmon sandwich things, and each person is holding out half a sandwich, as if to say, hey, look at these spectacularly gorgeous sandwiches, eh? eh? Only Granderson starts eating his.

After a bit everyone starts eating, but the others are all mostly nibbling. Curtis Granderson is plainly determined to finish his half a sandwich. He is chowing down. If I was Dave Dombrowski, this is where I would use the word ‘gamer’.

–The show ends. I turn off the TV before my brains leak out of my ears and short out the keyboard. I DID IT FOR YOU, READER. FOR YOU.