TraitorDamon may be going recursive.

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

Word on the street/internet here in Boston is that the Red Sox have claimed Johnny TDamon off of waivers. This may still not happen– Rotoworld says he has a clause in his contract limiting the teams he can be foisted upon, and that excludes the Sox– but it’s a Thing, so I’m throwin’ it up here.

Of course I didn’t even mention the fact that TDamon had been waiver’d alongside Inge in the previous post, but you are all familiar with my thoughts on both players by now, so that should come as no surprise.

I suppose the idea here is that the Tigers would get rid of his contract and would have one less reason to talk to Scott Boras, while the Sox would get an additional outfielder to help hide the fact that every single person on the team is injured. The problem is that (I guess?) TDamon would have to approve the trip back east to overrule the wording of his contract… which, given the way Boston has handled him (front office) and reacted to him (fans/media), he may not want to do. And the Sox really need someone who can play every day if he has to and come fresh off the bench a lot otherwise, which may not be what TDamon is at this point in his decrepit life.

And then there’s the fact that TDamon apparently just plain ol’ likes Detroit:

Johnny Damon said he wants to play for the Tigers next season, even if he is traded to a contender before the season ends.
…
“I like the direction this team is headed and I want to grow with it,” Damon said. “I know there are a bunch of young kids here, but I believe this team for years to come will have a chance to compete and win the Central Division. From there anything can happen when you make the playoffs. You have a chance to win the whole thing.”
…
“I like it here,” Damon said. “I have a bunch of friends that live in Detroit. Spring training (Lakeland, Fla.) is 45 minutes from home. There are a lot of benefits for me and hopefully I get to stay with this club. I love it so far. It is as simple as that.”
Terry Foster/Detroit News

Paws knows he’s had enough experience and Boras-coaching to know how to say The Right Thing to the media, but I also think he’s too stupid to make up elaborate lies on the spot by himself, so he might genuinely enjoy his situation in Detroit. It is a lot less pressure than Boston or New York, but it’s not as likely to mean long-term baseball death as Kansas City is. He might like that and he might not be too keen to give it up.

Whatever ends up happening here, the team probably wants him to stay. Who else is going to buy next year’s batch of clubhouse bathrobes?

ETA: I hate to quote Twitter, but Ed Price just said,

Damon can block and told me he’s not inclined to go back to Boston
Ed Price’s Twitter

So, whatever.

ETA2: I don’t think I mentioned this, but The Only Casper in Major League Baseball is back. Enrique Gonzalez was sent down. While I was gone, apparently Robbie Weinhardt was designated and Alfredo Figaro is back. Not that any of that matters, but just in case someone cares, there it is.

a bird-brained win just means that the Tigers brained some birds

photos by Samara Pearlstein

What a day for T. Damon (I won’t use the full name tonight, as he maybe deserves it after this performance). He got his career 2,500th hit early in the game, earning him a standing ovation from the hot sweaty Comerica crowd. He had two hits on the night, the first being a single for that #2,500. The second hit? A walkoff two-run homer in the 11th.

He may always be T. Damon to me, but even I have to admit that that is a heck of a night. And I’m certainly not going to turn my schnozz up at a Tigers win.

Miguel Cabrera, who hit a super sexy two-run bomb to tie the game in the 9th, has been confirmed for this year’s Home Run Derby. I suppose that means we all have to watch it now, as incredibly drawn-out and boring as it will inevitably be. Scott Pickens will be going with him to pitch, according to Jason Beck.

Oh, and Miggy had a kidney infection last weekend? How did I miss that one? I thought it was reported as simple ‘back stiffness’… ‘though a kidney infection would definitely explain that.

Arrrrrrrrmando was sent down to Toledo after tonight’s start. He had just gone 6.2 innings, giving up 10 hits and 3 walks, but only 3 runs, and one of those was an inherited runner that the bullpen brought home. This demotion is basically just a roster shuffle, not necessarily a reflection on his pitching (although it is, a little bit), but Armando was MAD.

“I don’t want to talk to you guys,” Galarraga said before briskly walking out of the clubhouse.
Steve Kornacki/MLive.com

Sick burn, man. Robbie Weinhardt was called up to take his place for one start (?) on the roster ’til after the All Star break, then Armando will be back in Big Cat action. It’s a big step down from a perfect game, though, so his annoyance is in that sense understandable.

Brief moments when I regret the HD:

–the camera focuses on umpire Joe West’s sweat-soaked shirt

–the realization that, with his summer undershirt providing less collar coverage, you can now see Carlos Guillen’s chest hair

–camera pans to the dugout, any manager starts picking his nose

–Ryan Perry’s chinstrap (ugh, just get rid of it already, Ryan, it looks terrible and you aren’t a penguin)

Non-Tigers news:

—Jake Peavy is hurt. He came out of the game after throwing a pitch today, didn’t even wait for the trainer, just stormed off towards the dugout. Ozzie Guillen was sticking his tongue out, apparently because that is how he displays consternation.

–The Racist Logos/Rangers game was interrupted today when a fan fell out of the upper deck while reaching for a foul ball. It was about a 30 foot drop, and he hit four people on the way down, mildly injuring them. The homeplate ump halted play for around 15 minutes. It seems that the guy never lost consciousness and was able to move all his extremities, so it’s definitely not as horrific as it very, very easily could have been.

–The Diamondbacks DFA’d Dontrelle. Read this if you want to be depressed. The Padres released Eric Munson, who had been with their triple-A team.

–The Twinks badly want Cliff Lee. I don’t want this to happen. I mean, I enjoy the idea of depleting the Twinkie farm system, but I don’t like the idea of them acquiring a player who makes them significantly better for the rest of 2010. I like this 2010 Tigers team (mostly), I don’t want them to suffer.

the bullpen amazes, Traitor Damon spits upon his old compatriots

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Dontrelle needs to stop being such a sicky kitty. I feel like we just had a start where he was scratched because of illness… in fact I think it was against the Rangers, because I remember saying something about the Rangers being the epicenter of all food poisoning in MLB this year and they had PROBABLY poisoned Dontrelle. Obviously this was bad but since it was also a measure of how much they feared him and his wily pitching ways, it was also kind of good, you know?

So far as I know there have not been any outbreaks of food poisoning on the Yankees, though. This doesn’t put them in the clear, of course; they simply may have poisoned Dontrelle in more subtle ways. A tasteless emetic powder slipped into his dinner… a sack of tree pollen emptied into his bedroom vents at night… Dontrelle wakes up the next morning sniffly of nose and queasy of stomach, he thinks it’s just flu-like symptoms, he never even suspects. Not like with the Rangers. The Rangers just give you some of their tainted chicken. Don’t ever eat chicken prepared by the Rangers.

Anyways, the point is that today was Dontrelle’s start, but Dontrelle was unable to make it and pitching duties devolved to the bullpen.

Brad Thomas got the ‘start’; he gave up two runs in three innings, throwing 68 pitches (Verlander-esque). Then came Eddie Knuckles Bonine, who allowed a whole bunch of baserunners (including two that were inherited by Zoom) but somehow got out of trouble without giving up any runs. He also got the technical Win. Joel Zumaya came in and gave up two runs, although one was a runner that Coke inherited and let score. Phil Coke came in for a couple of outs. Ryan Perry threw a few pitches. Papa Grande closed it out with a 1-2-3 save.

It was neither tidy nor efficient, but it WAS enough (barely) for a win. Against the Yankees. The Yankees, who were on a streak of a billion wins in a row or whatever, who kept winning despite the fact that their entire team is falling apart at the bodily seams, which is absolute proof of the fact that they operate on black magick and evil. Let’s be honest, nothing else could explain their performance thus far, and since Curtis Granderson is on the DL there is nobody in that clubhouse willing to stand up against these stygian horrors. The Detroit bullpen is brave.

Also brave: Brennan Boesch, who braved the wrath of the Yankees to hit the heck outta the baseball, right in their Yankee faces. He went 2-for-3 with one walk, zero Ks, and 3 RBI. One of those hits was a triple. Boone Logan was all, “Dude, what is a Brennan Boesch?” and then Boesch hit that triple and Logan was all, “Oh. I see.” Then he hung his head in shame, shame, shame.

As for Traitor Damon, he hit a solo shot off of Sergio Mitre. He was DHing today, so the Yankees were forced to look at the thing he does well (hitting) while being denied the opponent-pleasure of watching him do the thing he does so very poorly (fielding). Crafty Tigers. So dedicated to the noble idea of causing Yankees the greatest pain possible.

That solo homer turned out to be huge, as the game ended up being a 5-4 Tigers win. Traitor Damon did not just spit in the faces of his former teammates, he stomped on their toes with cleats and farted in their gloves and THEN he spit on them. I was so torn by this development. On the one paw, anything that annoys the Yankees is a good thing. On the other paw, it’s TD. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Whatever. A win is a win, especially against the Yanks. We’ll take ’em.

hair and hairball-like play

illustration by Samara Pearlstein

If it’s time to start voting for the All Star game, does that mean it’s also deep enough in the season to start panicking properly? I think so. I think you can’t really have the one without the other, logically speaking.

There were lots of points where the Tigers could have won this game. But that would have involved hitting Scott Kazmir, like, at all (the two runs counted against him were both inherited runners that the bullpen brought home), and we all know that the 2010 Detroit Tigers do not believe that starting pitching should be hit. I don’t really understand this, unless it’s a hopeful do-unto-others sort of thing, where the Tigers are hoping that their refusal to hit balls thrown by starting pitchers will cause other teams to refrain from hitting Tigers starting pitching. It’s not working, though, so the offense should feel free to stop this strategy at any time.

Really. Any time now.

Sooo…. I tried to write something about FredFred’s performance several times here, and it’s not going to happen. Sorry. Every time I make an effort it just turns into capslocked screaming about doom and disaster and sophomore slump cliches and nobody needs to read that. FredFred doesn’t need it, you lot don’t need it, and I need to reject it. Let’s talk about HAIR.

Tigers Hair has been much in the news lately, first because of Phil Coke’s hair-related teasing and subsequent haircut, now because bearded hero Alex Avila has given Traitor Damon a mohawk, thus adding to the fine diversity of hair styles on the team. For your convenience I have briefly illustrated the subject at the top of this entry.

As any good lazy cartoonist would tell you, distinctive hair and facial hair styles are fantastic. They make life easier on everyone: the drawing process is easier, and it’s easier for those looking at the drawing to quickly tell who is who. They display personality and help a guy stand out when he’s lumped into a league with hundreds of other guys who are mostly going to be around his size, more or less around his age, and, like him, will have a fondness for country and rap music, and a complete inability to dress themselves. With a buzzcut you’re just that cretin at the bar in the Ed Hardy shirt. But a Phil Coke mullet takes it to a whole other (terrifying, yet intriguing) place.

Not everyone can do crazy/intense hair. Jeremy Bonderman, for instance, looks weird as hell with hair and should remain bald for all his days. I fear that longer hair would completely overwhelm Brandon Inge’s small frame (luckily he has found a facial hair configuration unlikely to be copied by very many people, as it is uniquely awful). But Justin Verlander, say, is one good haircut-less month away from powerful emo hair. I’m not saying it would be good-good, but it would definitely be weird and harmlessly trainwrecky and interesting, and that’s what I want out of my ballplayers.

Traitor Damon, of course, is already familiar with wacky hair. In fact it’s part of why so many people knew who he was and gave a flying rat pellet about him when he was with Boston: the hair (and beard) made him recognizable and distinctive. People noticed him more. He got a few nicknames and a reputation and a book deal. Not bad.

Then he went to New York, where the law decrees that hair shall not descend past the jaw and facial hair shall be restricted to the upper lip only. Yankee management doesn’t trust its bevy of overpaid, undermatured manchildren to make good (or any) decisions on their own, you see, so they do everything they can to reduce the number of decisions a ballplayer is allowed to make. Traitor Damon bought into that, in a fit of Boras-induced greed. He cut his hair. He started looking boring again.

Now he’s on the Tigers, where hair is allowed to roam free; where Jim Leyland will not hesitate to say that he thinks your hair looks terrible, but he will defend to the death your right to wear it in whatever terrible way you want (as he did with Magglio, back in those glory days). I did think Damon was going to let his hair grow out again, but for now he has gone with the mohawk. It’s weird but not too weird– there are other guys in the majors who have fauxhawks and mohawks to varying degrees– and it helps him bond with the rookie catcher as a sort of simian group grooming experience.

It’s good. It’s what we want to see from the team. More of this sort of thing.

Anyways!

The Tigers are playing .500 ball at the moment… and are still second in the division. Thank you AL Central. Any other AL division right now, they would be fourth at best. As it’s getting to be ASG voting time, I am starting to be concerned. Things aren’t clicking. Starters we were relying on aren’t coming through often enough; stranding men on base has become a hobby. If the Tigers end up doing well on the season, it will be because of their weak division.

Random thought from this game that fits nowhere and thus is tacked on here at the end: Scot Shields, Garret Anderson, and Mat Latos should all be on the same team. Just to screw with the local reporters and editors. Make it happen, MLB.

welcome back to Detroit

cartoon by Samara Pearlstein

The gates have opened, the hot dogs are roasting (or whatever it is they do to make those things nominally cooked). The lights are on, the grass, despite the temperature, is green. Rod and Mario have returned to their accustomed booth. Paws has swept the dust from home plate. It’s the home opener!

And the Tigers won. Which is great, because I had scrawled spring cleaning Paws up there before the game, and his smugly pleased expression would have looked awkward if we’d lost. Thanks for that, Cats.

FredFred gets the win, and although he only went five innings (87 pitches), he looked sharp. He gave up two runs: a singleshot homer from Travis Hafner, and an RBI single from Mike Redmond, who stayed with the ball way deep into the strikezone and just poked it through the defense. Porcello didn’t look that bad in either at-bat. And did I mention how cold it was during the game? Because it was apparently cold. Miserably, Detroit-ly cold. Not-great-for-pitchers-ly cold. FredFred handled it well. It could have been more efficient, it could have been a little cleaner, but I am content.

Inge on Porcello’s lack of big game jitters, after the game: “He’s a better guy than I am, I dunno. He’s toeing the mound with 50,000 people out there and it doesn’t look like it bothers him at all.”

Scott Sizemore got his very first big league hit! A single with one out and a man on in the fifth. He eventually came around to score on a hilarious series of bad defensive events on the part of the Racist Logos. I’m just glad he got it out of the way before the season wore on much longer; if he started pressing to get that first hit, it probably would not have ended happily. (As an aside: in this game, there were two Sizemores [Scott and Grady] and two Cabreras [Miguel and Asdrubal].)

A note on how cold it was: the loudest cheers of the day were on the few occasions when the sun came out. The first time it happened, Rod and Mario had just mentioned Ernie Harwell. Suddenly the sun comes out and the crowd roars. They couldn’t have planned it better, unless Rod Allen can control the clouds with his mind, which I guess is a possibility that must be considered.

Jim Leyland, after the game:
–Porcello wasn’t sharp by his own admission, couldn’t get strike one, had a little trouble with his control, but it was a good sign he could come out when he wasn’t on top of his game and still get the win.
–Agrees that we need to start doing better against starting pitchers.
–He’s “never one to look for excuses”, won’t blame FredFred’s lack of ‘feel’ on the weather. Claims he thought it was going to be brutal, but wasn’t as bad as he expected. “Fans got excited when the sun came out a few times, and so did I. I mean, I’m old. It felt good, believe me.”

FredFred, after the game:
— “In regard to some of the other guys in this clubhouse, I haven’t done much. It’s a good start and I’m happy with what I’ve done so far, but it’s a long season ahead of us…”
–Struggled with his command early in the counts, rest of the team backed him up.
–Agrees with Leyland that the weather was not much of a factor, says he was just a little erratic.
–He was pretty amped up, especially for the first inning. “I was prepared for it, but at the same time, you can’t help being a little excited out there.”
–Calls Joel ‘Zoomy’.

Damon, after the game:
— “We are definitely going to count on all 25 guys here, and also some guys we had to send out at the end of the spring…. you need everybody, guys you can count on, guys like Raburn, guys like Santiago, Kelly. You need those types of players and these guys, they fit well into the system. I think that’s why we’re going to be a very good team.”
–On the burgeoning beard: “It feels a little messy [reporters laugh]. I would shave it, but we’ve been playing good baseball. Who cares what I do? I’ll sacrifice a few o-fers for team victory.”
— “I promise you there’ll be some hits in my future, and some contribution.” Said this with a grin, the reporters laughed.

Phil Coke, after the game:
— “It was a hairy situation, felt like I went out there and handled the hairy situation… Everybody’s got to do something, I might as well make it interesting once or twice.” Stands up, goes on to say that he can’t stand doing that really, felt like he let down his teammates a little bit.
— “It’ll get better from here, I promise.”
–He has freckles! Thank you, HD.
–Asked about how the bullpen feeds off of each other, he starts talking about how they do, and they rally ’round when you might have a guy who struggles. Then he takes himself and his performance today as an example. Holy cats, someone needs to go in there and give the man a hug.

Seriously, Coke faced five batters. He gave up no hits and no runs. He inherited one baserunner, who did not come around to score. He walked two guys and had to leave them for Zoom to deal with, which must be what has got him so down, but Zoom didn’t let either one of them score. It’s not that bad, Phil Coke! Please cheer up!

Tim Allen, Detroit area native, in the booth in the second inning:
–Sadly admits that he is a Lions fan.
–Hates on the FSND headset, says it’s like something “from the ’30s”, asks why they don’t have Bluetooth yet.
–Expresses surprise that Dave Dombrowski went to Western Michigan and got a good job (Allen himself went to Western).
–Big fan of Dave Bing, thinks he respects the city and knows what needs to happen.
–People ask him to do the Buzz Lightyear voice all the time, but it’s disturbing for small children, because he doesn’t look like Buzz Lightyear. Says it’s like a kid seeing a guy in a Mickey Mouse suit with the head off.

Mario, asking about Tim Allen’s comedy start in Detroit: “Were you funny back then?”
Tim Allen: “I’m gonna knock you out. If I can get this headset off, I’m gonna knock you out.”

things Rod Allen said:
— “You know what they say, there ain’t no party like a Detroit party, and that’s absolutely a known fact.”
— “This much I do know, he’s got a big league name! AUStin JACKson!”

Magglio had another good day, Inge had a good day. Adam Everett had yet another hit. The Tigers turned three double plays once again. It would be nice if all of this could have resulted in runs WITHOUT the necessity of a Racist Logo screw-up, but I guess a win is a win. Happy Home Opener to us all.

Opening Day is awesome when you win. Today was awesome.

Yeah. That’s a win. You’re catdamned right it is. Photo by Samara Pearlstein, emphasis by Miguel Cabrera.

I took notes. I know these posts are your favorites.

Opening Day 2010. Justin Verlander vs. Zack Greinke. The game and what happened in it.

–The Royals are wearing their powder blues. I am a big fan of the actual royal blue, but these are kinda nice. They should’ve gone with the full royal blue hats, though, not powder blue with royal brims. Kansas City boos Johnny Damon lustily. You’re not so bad, KC. I could grow to like you a little bit.

–Carlos Guillen pops one up over the infield, nobody calls it, Greinke throws his hands out as if to say I DON’T KNOW GUYS WHERE IS IT I JUST DON’T KNOW. Bloomquist makes a last-ditch dive for it, but misses. Magglio scores from second I think, making it 1-0 Tigers. These are the Royals I remember.

–The FSND Verlander scouting report: Workhorse. Repeat delivery. The Butler did it.
Mario: I can’t believe you used that.
Rod: I said it!
Mario: Especially to a Spartan…
Shortly thereafter Mario calls Billy Butler “one of Verlander’s nemeses”.

–Here comes Scott Sizemore with his yellow body armor batting gloves. Rod calls Greinke “The Truth”, caps verbally implied.

–Verlander is riding at 97-99 mph so far today. In the second inning, Jose Guillen singles up the middle. A couple guys later, Yuniesky Betancourt survives a long at-bat to blast a two-run homer. 2-1 Royals. Whhhyyyyyyy

–Damon booed again in his second at-bat. Mmmhm. In the bottom of the third, David DeJesus strikes out on a 98 mph fastball way outside, then hops around several times because he can’t believe he let himself be beaten so badly. Mmmmhmm.

–Rod Allen describes Willie Bloomquist’s knee surgeries as ‘orthoscopic’. He means ‘arthroscopic’, unless Bloomquist has eyes in his knees. Although, really, what do I know about the physical mutations of the Royals?

–Scott Sizemore has an excellent HURR DURR batting face. He kind of lets one side of his mouth hang open when he’s concentrating really hard up there. Pretty great. He breaks his bat; the barrel flies all the way out to third, skipping just past Bloomquist’s feet as he goes to field the ball. Bats these days, why I tellya, they oughta take action, action I tellsya.

–Saturday at Comerica will be a Year of the Tiger celebration! Oh man, if you are going to that game, you better live it the hell up. That sounds amazing. In other important promotions news: the only bobblehead giveaway so far seems to be the Justin Verlander K-counter bobbleheads on April 30, which somehow manage to look nothing like him. There is a ‘Paws foam tail’ giveaway on July 11 that sounds intriguing, but it’s only for kids. I’m a kid at heart, shouldn’t that count? I think so.

–Fifth inning, two outs. Chris Getz singles up the middle. DeJesus, up next, shows bunt but pulls it back. Laird catches the ball cleanly, but while trying to transfer it to his hand somehow throws the ball straight up into the air (??). While he’s waiting for it to come back down, Getz steals second base. Not kidding. I’m still not entirely sure what happened here.

–DeJesus singles. A few pitches later he steals second, making a TERRIBLE slide. He faceplants about a foot and a half away from the bag, losing his helmet and somehow bollocksing up the front of his belt. He lies there for a few seconds in shame, then picks his head up and starts laughing at himself. We would laugh with him, but Verlander walks Scott Podsednik to load the bases, and Billy Butler follows that up with a two-run single to make it 4-1 Royals. Verlander threw Butler only fastballs, including the last two pitches in the at-bat, which were both clocked at 100 mph by FSND’s gun.

CLICK THE LINK FOR MOAR OPENING DAY!

welcome Traitor Damon

photo by Samara Pearlstein

Well, it looks like the Tigers have signed Damon. A “source familiar with negotiations” is saying that it’s a one year, $8 million contract. It’s not yet official because Damon has yet to take/pass a physical, and Mr. Dombrowski is refusing to confirm or deny anything until after the hypothetical-but-at-this-point-extremely-likely exam takes place.

He will play left field, because the idea of his arm in center in Comerica is beyond hilarious. Carlos Guillen and his Surgically Repaired Knees will DH a lot. Sometimes Damon will DH and Carlos will be filled with resentment and bodily pain. I guess Austin Jackson had better be up for significant playing time at the big league level. Ryan Raburn is at home crying into a bottle of Absolut right now.

Naturally I hate it. I suppose I shall have to revive my Sheffield at the Plate Policy, which involved imagining that it was Paws out there every time he had to come up to hit. Look, you all have your little ways of retaining your sanity, I have mine.

At least it isn’t a two year deal. Sigh.

Hey, on the bright side: welcome to Detroit, Michelle Damon! Hope you hate it here just as much as you overtly thought you would!

in which Roar of the Tigers displays a bias

stupid, annoyed illustration by Samara Pearlstein

I am not even going to try to be impartial about this. Take that as a given.

I honestly did not want to write about this over here until/unless something definitive happened involving the Tigers, but the rumors have been flying like a flock of smog-deranged city pigeons who all just spotted a single crust of bread at the same time. I just wanted to get this out there in case, I don’t know, something got done while I was sleeping or working or whatever. That said:

I do not want! Johnny Damon! On this team! No! No to Johnny Damon! DO NOT WANT.

I hate strongly dislike Johnny Damon. His idiot schtick got old while he was still in Boston, and it has not improved with time. He hasn’t been able to throw a ball for a number of years now, and he will be 36 years old this coming season. That arm ain’t gonna magically improve itself, kids and kittens. Sure, he has a high tolerance for pain and will keep playing through quite a lot in the way of injuries, but at this point I would start worrying about his ability to play in the outfield every day. I suppose he could DH sometimes, but poor old Carlos Guillen is going to need that DH slot an awful lot himself, and I’m sure Magglio will need it sometimes…

On the Tigers, Damon would not hit for nearly as much power as he did in the past couple of years. Yankee Stadium has that stupid short porch, while Comerica has vast, yawning tracts of land, which will gladly swallow up any Damonic attempts to pop the ball out of the park. Also: OLD. Maybe he can still hit for a respectable average, but, OLD, and his hitting is unlikely to improve.

I have been COMPLETELY disgusted by the way Scott Boras has handled Damon’s offseason. ‘He likes octopus and the Red Wings! That should make you Detroit-types love him, because I’m Scott Boras and I have a very low opinion of your intelligence!’ ‘We’re getting a ton of interest, even though up ’til today almost no one had expressed any interest at all because of my exorbitant and unrealistic contract demands!’ ‘I’m going to coyly talk about the many, many teams who have contacted us, even though the nature of internet media/communication and the internet presence of many baseball teams today means that this statement can be immediately debunked, but that’s fine, because I’m Scott Boras and I think you’re all too freakin’ stupid to realize that!’ ‘Durp durp durrrr dur-durp!’

Is it unfair to judge Damon by his agent? Well, he’s the one who hired the trollbeast, so whatever, fairness! I squint my judgemental little eyes in his general direction.

I don’t even know why I’m bothering to try to rationalize this. I’m from Massachusetts, I am strongly anti-Damon for the obvious reasons. I don’t want to deal with him and his trailing parade of shenanigans, I don’t want to deal with the potential trauma of watching him try to grow that Yankee mustache back. I don’t want to scream frantically at the TV as baserunner after baserunner takes off on him.

It was not enough that THE WORST THING happened? Removing Curtis Granderson was like tearing a huge gaping hole in my battered little fan heart; adding Johnny Damon would be like dumping a generous handful of rock salt into that hole. Hell, Mr. Dombrowski, cut a cat a break now and then, willya?

ETA: The latest rumor has the Tigers offering $14 million and 2 years. Ugh. UGH.