a Detroit Tigers Passover, 2010

It’s that time of year again!

As some of you know, the centerpiece of the Passover holiday is the seder plate, a bunch of weird food symbols related to the whole Jews-in-Egypt-and-subsequent-escape-with-parting-of-the-Red-Sea-and-such thing. The food-objects on the seder plate are familiar to all Jews and friends of Jews who get dragged off to seders. We learn how to draw them, arranged around a giant construction paper circle, as small children in Hebrew school, and thus the cycle of Judaism is continued.

ANYWAYS. Here we have The 2010 Detroit Tigers Seder Plate.

The maror, or horseradish, is a horrifyingly strong mash of horseradish that is usually either whitish or this weird pinkish-red. It symbolizes the bitterness experienced by the Jews as slaves in Egypt. Carlos Guillen here is the maror, as his relegation to the role of DH has steeped him in great bitterness.

The karpas is a green vegetable, usually something relatively inedible like parsley, that gets dipped in salt water and eaten. The vegetable is supposed to have something to do with spring and renewal, while the salt water represents the tears shed by the Jews in their slavery and suffering. Austin Jackson is the karpas, because he is youthful green springy renewal, but his place in the trade known as The Worst Thing still reminds us of our sadness and the many salty tears we have shed. Many, many tears. So many.

The charoset is a mix of cut/mashed-up nuts and fruits and things; I’m not really sure what food I can compare it to. Everyone makes it with different things, but it’s usually sweet, tan/brownish, and chunky (but not in a gross way) (honest). It’s supposed to represent the mortar the Jews used when they were stuck building pyramids and storehouses and whatnot for the Pharaohs in Egypt. I know that’s depressing, but Justin Verlander is the charoset because he is the mortar that anchors and holds together the rotation. If all goes as planned. Mortar doesn’t really anchor, does it? You know what I mean.

The z’roa is a shankbone, usually lamb, sometimes chicken for those folks who can’t/don’t want to get lamb. It symbolizes the traditional Passover sacrifice; its presence on the seder plate allows us to get on with things without having to slaughter and cook an entire freaking sheep, which is pretty impractical when you’re living in, say, a city apartment. It also may represent the lamb’s blood that the Jews put on their doorposts so that the Angel of Death would pass over them during the Plagues and bother only the Egyptians. Here it is Miguel Cabrera, whose hitting ability is nobly sacrificed for the greater good of the Adam Everetts and Gerald Lairds of the world, and who will hopefully keep the Wrong Sox of Death from doing too much damage to us.

The beitzah is a hard-boiled egg. It was another Temple sacrifice, and is also a symbol of mourning, as it was traditionally served at funerals. Jeremy Bonderman is the egg, because he looks like one.

The matzah is what you all think of when you think of Passover. It’s not really a part of the seder plate, but it sits in the middle, so whatever, I’m including it. Matzah is unleavened bread with the consistency of a dry cracker and the taste of dust, recalling the exodus of the Jews from Egypt, when they had to leave so suddenly that they didn’t have time to let their bread rise. Rick Porcello is the matzah, because the Tigers took him out of the minor league oven before he had any real time to rise. Luckily for the Tigers, FredFred turned out to be significantly more palatable than matzah.

Finally we have Manischewitz wine, which is also not on the seder plate, but is traditionally consumed during seders so whatever, this is my blog. Manischewitz wine is kosher. It is also more sugary than basically any other wine you have ever tasted, and smells like a cross between corn syrup and fruity cough syrup. Many Jews hate it but drink it anyways, Because We Have Always Done It Thus. Some of us actually like it, even though this seems to convince people that we are crazy.

Dontrelle Willis is the Manischewitz wine, because he’s sweet and he might be able to get the job done, but you aren’t totally sure you want to go that route. Also if you say you really love him people look at you like you’re crazy.

Happy Passover, kids and kittens! May all your matzah recipes go down easy.